wonderful love

12/31/2011 | Frank & Stephanie Peterson's wedding reception | Hayfield, MN

This is one of the last pictures of us, and I am so thankful for those disposable cameras that no one hesitated to take numerous shots with.

I always knew we had a great thing, but sadly, I am really realizing how great it was now.  Looking at all of these smiling pictures of him, thinking back to all of the things he did for me, all of the places he went for me, all of the people he hung out with for me, everything - I am just looking back, hoping that I showed enough appreciation - because I am really seeing now how he worked very hard at making me happy and making us work... right up until asking me if it was ok if he went snowmobiling that day. 

One beautiful memory I have of something that happened often was Wednesday 1/11/12, I wasn't feeling great, so I stayed home for the day.  My mom came over and we were doing some things in the back room, and when Joe woke up, the first thing he did was come by us just to give me a hug and a sweet kiss on my forehead... He did that a lot - when he would wake up, when he would come in from the garage, whenever we were parting or seeing each other again.

I had a break down tonight, luckily I wasn't alone, but honestly, I would have been ok alone, because had my mom and sister not been here, I would have turned to God.  {Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."}  I think prepping for Sweet Pea and getting her room ready is bringing up and out extreme mixed emotions in me.  I am so excited for her to get here, but I am so sad that Joe is not here making decisions with me, helping decorate her room, buying the things we need and want for her, everything exciting that one expects to be granted at this time in her life... But, Sweet Pea often kicks me, reminding me that we will be ok  {For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13}

I have two close friends who are coming to terms with drinking problems and choosing to work on the issue, possibly attending Celebrate Recovery at PV with me Friday night.  I am so excited and happy for them and looking forward to what God is going to do in their lives. 

There are a lot of people going through pain in tragic trials right now -- the school shooting in Ohio, two young boys taking their lives near Rochester, four college freshmen dieing in a car accident on their way back to school from a visit to their families, a MN snowmobiler losing his life in an avalanche in Wyoming, and closest to home, a close friend of my sister's taking her own life -- I pray for these people, that they know God, because I do not know how people get through these trials if they do not have God. 

Many people think that I sh/would be mad at God right now, taking my precious father and then my precious husband only 10 months later, leaving me a pregnant, fatherless, widow.  I do not deny being mad, but I am not mad at God - how could I be mad at our creator, the one who gives me so many blessings (including such a great dad, a wonderful husband, and no problems getting pregnant)?  I'm not mad at anyone/thing specific, I'm just mad!  Like I have said before, God has written my book, he knows what happens each chapter, and has written the ending.  He also wrote Joe's book, and we cannot stick to the "why" questions - even though it sucks so bad - and trust that in time, when we are with God, then and only then, will we know why.  {1 Corinthians 13:12 "Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.  All that I know now is partial & incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely."}

My question is not "why?" it is "who?"  Who can I turn to now?  Who is going to help me through this?  Who can help me make my decisions?  Who is going to hold me forever, no matter what?  My other question is "how?"  How can I have this relationship with God and trust in Him {Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."}, let Him help me make decisions, and let Him hold me and pull me out of deep pits?  {Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand."} 

Who am  I to ask, "Why would you do this to me, our daughter, and all of Joe's family and friends?  Why would you put Joe through that?  Why would you allow me to become a widow at 29, 10 months after losing my dad, 4 months before the due date of our first child?  Why would you allow our daughter to be born without her daddy, that wanted her so badly?"  I am not God.  I did not create this world.  I am not the ruler of everyone's lives.  I do not know the purpose for things, and I will not know until I meet God face to face.  It is hard to not sit and cry so hard over these questions, I will say; however, because I have the Holy Spirit in me, I know better.  I know who to turn to and I know how to turn to him and let him help me. 

"Though he slay me, I will hope in Him" Job 13:15

God, I thank you for all of the blessings you have given me in life including me being born to great, loving parents, having three amazing sisters,  meeting a wonderful man and having almost six superbly sweet years with him, for having no problems conceiving, and having a healthy pregnancy.  I pray for everyone in the world, especially those closest to me, going through trials right now.  I pray that they know you, and if they do not know you, they are able to turn to you for comfort.  I pray that you use me in any way necessary to help people turn to you to find the love, peace, and hope of God which transcends all understanding.  In your name, Amen.