Needy

Yep, shock is wearing off and reality is racing at me.  Being 37 weeks pregnant is making me fairly needy and although I know there are many many people here to support me, it is so not the same without Joe.  in fact, it is hard for me to accept help or support... Lately I think, if I can't have Joe, I don't want anyone. I know that no one is trying to take his place by helping me out, everyone is just offering to do things that they think I need... Which most of it I do, I just can't quite admit that yet.  I believe that some things in life get harder before they get better and I think i'm in the "getting harder" stage... Especially as I approach the due date of our daughter and need my husband so bad it really does hurt.  But i'm not giving up, i'm going to continue to let God work in me and heal me. I'm going to work on making healing choices, but it is just so hard...

Leine's

today was a hard day that precedes a couple even harder days - I got the email from the DNR warden in Eau Claire that the report and CDs of pictures will be sent to me in tomorrow's mail.  I also went to Winona's Print House and ordered the first of I'm sure many "in memory" stickers.  If you want one, either let me know on facebook or email me with your address and how many you want, they are $7 each and should be in around May 11.  This is what they will look like (the black represents your window - the sticker will be the white and green vinyl lettering).



So, I have had a lot of "why us" and very sad and angry moments today, thinking about what could have, and what I think should have, been.  I have to keep asking God in to overflow me with His love so I don't get sucked down.  He reminds me of His promises and blessings that are to come.  What I thought was a perfect life was nothing compared to what He is going to bring in my future.  It is hard to believe now, but I truly believe it.

this pic is from september 2011, we went up to Chippewa Falls for a Gillett picnic, and went to the Leinie Lodge - Joe, Kev, and Cari sampled - I just shopped.  We got one long sleeved t-shirt to share, which I wore the other day, the magnet Joe is holding, and some Summer Shandy wrapping paper - which I have since given to Cari.  This was the trip where the '53 ran out of gas coming into Fountain City.  fun times...... 
i miss you and love you so so so much joe - it never goes away.

Psalm 34:18 is what I have to remind myself of frequently:
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

the wilkie!

this picture is from June 2007 (duh, right? since it says it on there) - four years before we would be married... I always loved the Wilkie.  I'm not sure if we knew that it was going to be torn down soon or not - do you remember when that was announced?  So, anyways, we took ourselves down to the levee for a little photo shoot.  I also remember that we ate at Bub's on this same day, and Joe was working second shift - when he went to work, I went to my parents' house.  we had only been together one year at this point, and would have four years six months and twenty one days left of our perfect life together. forever my love.

tonight's grocery shopping experience has been different since all the others in the last 3 months 16 days... i think it is because i am starting to think about my eating after my sweet pea is here.  i'm getting more and more excited to rejoin weight watchers, and i'm starting to wean myself off of this wonderful pregnancy diet i put myself on.  so, i'm thinking about pre-pregnancy grocery shopping, all of the times joe and i shopped (first of all, i NEVER did it alone - we always did it together)... we would buy baked chips for me and delicious chips for him... healthy cereal for me and delicious cereal for him... laughing cow cheese for me and some delicious sliced cheese for him... do you get the point?  so tonight i started buying healthier options and got sad that i am only buying those, and not their delicious not-so-healthy counterparts... then bringing it all in, i actually said out loud "ok honey, i'll bring it in and you put it away."  you see, we really did everything together and shared most tasks... (i say most because he cleaned more than i did, and there are things he would tell you that i never did.)  we would both bring the bags in, and i would put away the stuff that went in the cupboard, he would do the freezer, and we would share the fridge... he was so much better at packing the freezer than i.  i miss him so much.  take my sadness and turn it into gladness in your relationships... how do you treat your significant other?  how do you spend time together?  now take also the peace, love, and joy i have from God and think about your significant other - what if you lost them?  what if tonight you got your last kiss from him/her?  what would your life look like tomorrow?  who would you turn to for support?  how would you go on living each day?

We each may come into this life in different classes - rich, poor, etc. - but, we leave this life one of two: saved or sunk... and sinking is totally preventable.  today, the door of salvation is wide open - but some day, it will shut.  once we are dead, there is no second chance - when you die, will God say, "I never knew you"?  will the door be closed?  don't wait for 'someday' to come before you accept Christ - you don't know when you will die.  Being religious is good, knowing Christ as your Savior is better.  Going to church is good, coming to Christ is better.  You can't get into Heaven by sitting in church your entire life, being close to a Christian, or being in a Christian family... you have to be a true believer and accept Christ as your Savior for yourself.  (you can't go to Heaven hanging onto someones coat-tails)  Just because you go to church doesn't mean you are truly converted.

Romans 8:28

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

God give me the strength to live out every day for you. 

 Lord, help me to be ready for whatever comes my way. 

I will sing, sing, sing,

to my God my King,

when all else fades away

and I will love, love, love

with this heart you gave,

for you've been good always.

cigar?

so today's class had difficult parts as well, talking about daddy time and how your husband can soothe you, etc. - but the hardest part i think was actually when we broke into groups of moms and dads and drew out what we would pack for the hospital... - on the guys' poster they included a cigar... I instantly pictured Joe and his best friends  standing outside the hospital (off of the smoke-free grounds of course) smoking a cigar celebrating the long awaited birth of his daughter.

i want to go to sleep and wake up and have our daughter be here.  i don't want to go through the next few weeks and the hours of labor - it is going to be so overwhelmingly emotional for me to not have Joe there... and please don't say that he will be there in spirit, etc. etc. - that doesn't help at all at this point. nice thought, and no offense to those of you that have told me that, but no.  I'm not going to see this guy on this earth again and if he isn't going to be there kissing my forehead, rubbing my back, holding my hand, etc. during labor and delivery, I don't want to hear that he is 'there in spirit'.  I can't quite smile from that yet - someday, but for now it just upsets me.

This is my handsome husband... 

Another picture he took of himself while at work to send to me... how sweet, how precious, how sad.  He made me feel so loved, so wanted, so needed, so appreciated - it is heartbreaking that those feelings are gone and I am now laying here on the couch alone, typing a blog about my life.  lu 4ever joe

"We only have to live our lives one step at a time.  Perseverance is the key to reaching the finish line." - The Power of a Positive Woman, Karol Ladd

There is so much to share with you from Battlefield of the Mind, I will try not to over do it.

I am suffering, but because of God I know it will not last forever.
1 Peter 5:10 tells us:
In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.

If our thoughts are negative, so are our mouths, and therefore, also our lives.

I don't know God's plan for me (I just know it is much different than my own), but I know He loves me, and I will be blessed.

"Any time we don't get what we want, our feelings will rise up and try to get us into self-pity and a negative attitude."  We have to recognize immediately that we have a choice to make - we "could be irritable because things hadn't worked out the way [we] wanted them to, or [we] could adjust [ourselves] to the situation and go ahead and enjoy" life. (p. 47)

Joyce offers us the following when we are in deep pits of discouragement:
"Well, things are going a little slow, but, thank God, I'm making some progress.  I'm sure glad I'm on the right path that will lead me to freedom.  I had a rough day yesterday.  I chose wrong thinking all day long.  Father, forgive me and help me to 'keep on keeping on.' I made a mistake, but at least that is one mistake I won't have to make again.  This is a new day.  You love me, Lord.  Your mercy is new every morning." (p. 41)

see you at PV tomorrow? 10:45? you could go to 9, but I probably won't... either time it will be a great message, the conclusion of the Titanic series.

pretzels

I'm reading a few books right now - They are all so appealing and I don't read often enough to just start and finish one quickly, so I am working on a few... One that I haven't written about yet is "Battlefield of the Mind: Winning the Battle in Your Mind" by Joyce Meyer. 
So far, these are some inspring thoughts...

"Satan takes our circumstances and builds strongholds in our lives - how he wages war on the battlefield of the mind.  But, thank God, we have weapons to tear down the strongholds.  God doesn't abandon us and leave us helpless." (p. 24)

"You may have some major strongholds in your life that need to be broken.  Let me encourage you by saying, "God is on your side."  There is a war going on, and your mind is the battlefield.  But the good news is that God is fighting on your side." (p. 24)

"Our past may explain why we're suffering, but we must not use it as an excuse to stay in bondage." (p. 23)

"It is easy to quit, it takes faith to go through." (p. 33)

"When we begin to feel that the battle of the mind is just too difficult and that we aren't going to make it, then we must be able to cast down that kind of thinking and choose to think that we are going to make it!" (p. 34)

"When the battle seems endless and you think you'll never make it, remember that you are reprogramming a very carnal, fleshly, worldly mind to think as God thinks.  Impossible?  No!  Difficult?  Yes!" (p. 34)


Scripture to help us through:
Isaiah 43:2
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.

This guy is from December 2011, we were doing Christmas shopping in LaCrosse and I was able to pull him into the booth down by Orange Julius - In fact, I think we had an Orange Julius to accompany the pretzel bites we were chewing on.  Were we not the perfect pair?

Yowch - just got home from day one of two of childbirth classes.  Hardest thing I've done after losing Joe - tomorrow will be even harder, and the actual birthing hours the hardest.  Now, I know my mom will be a fabulous "partner" but it pains me to go through this without my husband.  Especially in a class of 6 cutsie husband and wife couples.  Luckily, there is only one 'gag me with a spoon' couple, but I am the only one with a non-husband partner.  We listened to a 'relaxation' CD and in one spot the woman said, "now imagine big strong hands massaging your back" - ok, my ability to relax from that point on was gone - I got so stinkin' sad.  The class reminded me of something I'd like to share about our love.  As I looked around at the couples seated in chairs, I noticed how they were all the set six inches apart - it reminded me of when Joe and I ever had to sit in separate chairs (we preferred one big one or a couch), we always scooted them as close as possible to each other... sometimes the arms were even overlapping.  Maybe that is childish love, but we needed to be as close as possible to each other, at all times...

curls

8.14.09  .  Rochester  .  date night

Here is another date night pic - dinner and a movie.  He hated when I put my hair back like that, but liked the curls...  the top two pictures look identical, things must have happened so fast we didn't quite know what was going on until the bottom two.  Thank the Lord for Himself - without Him, Satan would be controlling my mind and emotions right now.  I have been having some really sad thoughts lately, but thankfully I have God to pull me away from them and remind me of His promises.  Getting so close to my due date, I am realizing that - wow, I'm going to have a child to raise... not just that this big belly will be gone.  Satan tries to suck me into thoughts about my life being to ridiculously wrong... I got pregnant with Joe to start a family with Joe, not just to have a kid and parent by myself.  Those thoughts could make me go into a frenzy, making Satan smile; however, God is right here with me, since I have admitted that I need his help and realize that I am not in control.  He reminds me of His promises, and that He has a plan - this was the plan - why, I will not, nor should I even try to, understand.  I am sad that my plan wasn't part of His plan, but my life is full of blessings because of Him.  My midwife tried to check my cervix today, but it was too uncomfortable - she could tell that my cervix was starting to soften, but couldn't tell if it was opening.  I am measuring right on at 36 1/2 weeks, and she things the little pea is around 6 pounds!  So as of today, looks like she will stay inside until her due date - our next appointment is next Thursday!

Romans 16:19-20
But everyone knows that you are obedient to the Lord. This makes me very happy. I want you to be wise in doing right and to stay innocent of any wrong. The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. May the grace of our Lord Jesus be with you.

groceries

November 17, 2008  .  Rochester  .  date night

Here we are, in all our glorious happiness.... out for dinner and a movie (and probably groceries - most of our date nights ended like that since we'd rather shop in Rochester than St. Charles).  Surely Sweet Pea will have his lovely cheek bones, right?

I enjoy reading from Joyce Meyer, and for today I'm going to share with you her daily devotional found here.

Yearnings in the Night
by Joyce Meyer - posted April 25, 2012

My soul yearns for You [O Lord] in the night, yes, my spirit within me seeks You earnestly.
—Isaiah 26:9
Nothing can satisfy your longing for God except communion and fellowship with Him. The apostle John wrote, “And the world passes away and disappears, and with it the forbidden cravings (the passionate desires, the lust) of it; but he who does the will of God and carries out His purposes in his life abides (remains) forever” (1 John 2:17).
The world makes it easy for you to fill your ears with all kinds of things that drown out the voice of God and push Him far into the background of your life. However, the day comes for every person when only God remains. Everything else in life eventually passes away; when it does, God will still be there.
Seek God earnestly tonight and He will abide in you.

I really like this devotional, as it describes my life well... Having originally accepted Christ as my Savior in 2001, there were many, many things of the world that I allowed to drown out God's voice and push Him into the background of my life.  Sadly, it took losing my dad and husband, two people I never wanted to live without and thought my life could only be complete with, for me to truly allow God into the center of my life.  Like she says, everything in life eventually passes away - we cannot cling to the things (including humans) of this world for our strength.  What do we then do when we lose them?  We do need fellowship with others, I am not saying don't have any friends, but we have to fully rely on God (ever seen those F.R.O.G. bracelets?), allow Him to fill up our love tanks - He is the only thing in our lives that will last forever. 

Sweet Pea and I have an appointment tomorrow morning - yay!  Group B Strep test and she is also going to check if I have started any dialation or effacing - I'm doubting it, but it will be fun to move into this stage of pregnancy, where I will be going in weekly!

blood pressure

I thought perhaps my blood pressure was high because of how I have been feeling lately - extremely tired, light-headed, dizzy, just have no 'get up and go' in me... I went in to have it checked, and it is "beautiful" - the nurse also checked my ankles for swelling, and there is none - so, I am just feeling the crap at the end of pregnancy I guess.  I have my normal appointment on Thursday, and I will be tested for Group B Strep and I think possibly my hemoglobin count again.

The construction has been started on the cement - on the Carimona side they are working on my three sidewalk squares, and on the King side they are working on the curb - lovely noises all around, and men walking through my yard... I wonder if they would mow it for me? lol

Here is a photo from Steph and Frank's wedding, 12/31/11... The last photos we have together are from this night - praise God that we had it.  Wow do I miss getting wrapped up in his love like that.  What an amazing husband I had.  I'm glad this moment was captured.  lu joe

I now have in my hands the book, "Life's Healing Choices: Freedom From Your Hurts, Hang-ups, and Habits," by John Baker - it is the book that the Celebrate Recovery program I attend is based off of, going in depth on the 8 recovery principles.  I look forward to reading it and sharing great information with you.  For now, I will remind you that

"God blesses those who realize their need for Him." Matthew 5:3

wrapping

the rings ... now, they all sit together on my ring finger.  i miss wrapping my feet around his waist as i laid on the couch and he sat on the end playing video games.

You have probably heard the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:1; 2: 11-32)?  He rejects his father, flees home with money and parties it all away... His father takes him back and rejoices, celebrating his return.  His older brother is furious that his father celebrates his return.  Have you ever taken a close look at the father, and applied his characteristics to our Heavenly Father?  Without even speaking, he was big, gracious, patient, compassionate, sacrificial, and affectionate.  He was also affirming.  The son that left was selfish, separated, and shortsighted.  The son that stayed at home was resentful, complaining, and judgmental.  Were they not both lost, even though only one was truly physically lost?  Both lost, they were also both offered incredible grace and forgiveness.  What can we learn from the three characters?

First we have the rebellious, younger son that left his home.  He was selfish - when we are selfish, we get cut off from grace.  He was separated - he chose to be 'lost' when he fled to a 'distant country' to be away from his father, away from anyone telling him what to do.  He was shortsighted - he didn't plan ahead, and his life became desperate when he ran out of his money.

Second, we have the 'religious,' older son, that was always with his father.  He was resentful - when we are resentful, grace, patience, and joy escape us.  He was complaining - when we complain, there is a war between true obedience and outward conformity.  He was judgmental - when we speak from a distance and enjoy the failure of others, which leads to gossip.

Both were dealing with sins - the first sins of the flesh, the second sins of the spirit.
Which son was more lost?

Finally, we have the main character, the father.  He was big in every way.  He was gracious - giving and giving even though his sons may squander what is given.  He was patient - always ready and waiting to offer his hand; however, will not pull his son out of a problem unless asked.  Are you wondering where God is in your life?  Have you asked Him for help?  He is not going to force you to follow Him - you need to come to Him.  He was also sacrificial (he ran through town, which exposed his legs - two things men did not do in those times), affectionate, and affirming.

We have two choices -
1.  Live at home with the Father - inviting Him to be with us all day...
2.  Live away in a 'distant land' - not thinking of God, attracted to sin, and living with no freedom, peace, or joy.

What do you choose?

Are you resentful and judgmental, needing to clean up your life?  Many of us are...


“For the Scriptures say, “‘As surely as I live,’ says the LORD, ‘every knee will bend to me, and every tongue will confess and give praise to God.’”” Romans 14:11

baptism

This is the first time I have been alone since Friday - I thought I would like it, but I still get sad every time I walk in the house alone, realizing Joe isn't in bed, on the couch, or in the garage waiting for me with a smile, hug, and kiss.  I am so overcome with emotion lately, and I know it is a combination of things; however, I know one ginormous piece of that is my thankfulness for God's love, peace, and joy.  In worshiping God either at the conference, in church, or at baptism, there are some lyrics that make me weep.  I weep in sadness as well as gladness.  Lyrics such as "thought my world will fall I'll never let you go" bring me to tears - my world has fallen, and I'm not letting go of God, and he is not letting go of me.

We had a baptism service at church tonight, and it was great.  The Lord is doing amazing things in people's lives, including my sister Peggy's significant other, Wes & Madi's dad, Jake!  Wow, it is so evident in his life that he is a new creation through Christ, living his life for him.  Praise the Lord!

Baptism is a one time declaration to a lifelong dedication - it does not save us, but shows we are saved.

Two meaningful pieces of scripture I took away from the service tonight.

Hebrews 12:1-3
God’s Discipline Proves His Love
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.  Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.  Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up.

 2 Timothy 1:7

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

 learning about what it means to be husband and wife... we were so ready, so excited, and had a great almost seven months of it together ... mu & lu so much Joe

2 Peter 1:3   By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence.

sinking

Have you ever heard God called I Am?  This used to be a bit confusing to me, but it simply means he is whatever you need, wherever you need, whenever you need it... If you believe that God is great enough to create and rule the universe, then why wouldn't you believe he rules your life?  He is not too big to be small enough for each of us and our problems.

... the cruelest world ...
... the coldest heart ...
these are places where grace is, soon to be so amazing...
when anything that is shattered is laid before the Lord it will not be unredeemed...
you never know the miracles the Father has in store...
(excerpts from a Selah song)

why do bad things happen to good people?  to conform us into pictures of Jesus... our trials are momentary (moments are not always the same length) and purposeful.

Have you heard the hymn "It is Well With My Soul"? 
Horatio Spafford wrote this song in 1873 after his four daughters drowned on a family trip across the Atlantic to Europe.  His son had recently died from scarlet fever, and much of their property had been destroyed by the great Chicago Fire.  Horatio and his wife decided to take the family away on a vacation to Europe.  At the last minute, Horatio had to stay behind for business but wanted his wife and daughters to continue on without him.  The ship sunk in 12 minutes, killing over 200 people - including Horatio's four daughters; however, his wife survived.  After hearing of the news, Horatio left as soon as possible for Europe.  As the ship he was on passed over the spot of the disaster, he went to his bunk and wrote this hymn.
Take a listen and read the lyrics:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul. 

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul. 

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul. 

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! 

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul. 

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul. 

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Whatever is going on in your life, is it well with your soul?

Matthew 14:2-32

But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
“Come,” he said.
   Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

So, Peter began out of the boat with faith.... He then looked down - felt the wind, saw the water, and lost faith - began to sink.  He had three choices - turn around and ask for help from those with his boat, try to keep himself afloat with his own strength, or call out to God.  He called out to God, and was saved.  When we go through a trial, we may trust God for a while and then as the world gets tougher and tougher, and we see the happenings around us and start to sink away from God - how do we heal?  Do we ask help from other people and their strength?  Do we try to get ourselves through the trial with our own strength?  Do we cry out to Jesus and the strength of God to help us out?  There is only one answer that will truly help you heal.  

Lord, you have got to be here with me because I can not do this on my own.

One of my trials:

adjusting after the untimely, tragic death of my husband...

what is a husband?     mate     partner     best friend     confidant     smile maker     dream sharer     lover     and so much more - I think I listed many things Joe was to me in a very early post.  I no longer have my earthly husband...  The only way I can get through this is with God - not by your strength and not by my own strength.

June 18, 2011     .     2:02pm     .     me being given away to the man that was about to make himself my husband........ and be the greatest husband for five days shy of seven months.  The lighting isn't that great in this picture - but I love looking at his smile - that is not fake, and looking back I'm not sure if at that moment I knew how truly happy he was ... I definitely know now.

adoration

July 15, 2011 -> our house

Along with his other nieces and nephew, Wes and Madi adored Joe, and he adored them just as much.  This picture brings a big smile on my face but also two big tears on my cheek as well.  I smile because of the wonderful times he was able to have with the kids, and the great memories that they have - I know that Wesley remembers him well, but I'm not sure if Madi does.  I made Wesley a photo book of pictures of he and Joe for his birthday, and we looked at it together the other day and he loves it.  The first tear comes because they can no longer hang out with their buddy Uncle Joe, and that he isn't going to be here to watch them grow up into the amazing beings they will become.  The second tear comes from Joe's own daughter not knowing what a wonderful person he was - he would have been the best dad (after mine of course), and she and I are not going to be able to experience that.  Yes, there will be people to tell her, but that is not the same as the experience she could have had... <- dreams shattered..... lu & mu joe

Through my pain and healing, I aspire to use what God has given me to help others heal.  I am in no way healed, but with God, I am on my way.  I had a very hard night last night, shedding a lot of tears before falling asleep way too late.  However, since I am slowly able to move on, I am pained when I see others suffering without God, having an incredibly hard time getting through the struggles of life.

Here are some verses to help us in times of need...

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles. (Psalm 34:17)

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. (Psalm 46:1-3)

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. (Psalm 61:1-4)

The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. (Psalm 145: 18-19)

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. (Matthew 11: 28-31)

Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? If then you are not able to do so small a thing as that, why do you worry about the rest. (Luke 12:25-26)     

Tomorrow's post promises to be amazing (as long as I am not too tired to post) as I will be attending a women's conference tonight and tomorrow with some great speakers and music, focused on "Knowing God".

EDD - 1 month!

1 John 1:5-9
Living in the Light

This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness; we are not practicing the truth. But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin.

If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.

First, I must say - be sure to listen to what God has said, not what someone (me) says he said.  Be sure that you are reading the Word directly, and not simply going off of what I (or anyone) tell you...

Second, this grace I speak so highly of - we cannot be a candidate for this grace until we are willing to admit that we need it.  Perhaps you are wondering where your serving of grace is - have you admitted that you need it?

Third, I pray for you that have heard and heard about Jesus but have not heeded, that you would let Jesus into your life, pay attention, listen, and obey.

1 John 1:5-9 speaks to us about God's light - perhaps it will force you to look into your life?  Do you say you have fellowship but are still living in darkness?  Maybe you really are not following Jesus then... Do you claim to be sinless??  How could you think that is possible?  

June 12, 2009 - Church Ave apartment

Look at that beautiful face... well, I am biased of course, I always thought he was absolutely gorgeous - but I'm sure you figured that out already.  We were just hanging out in the garage loving each other.  We did that a lot in this apartment - we would blast the music and dance together, just the two of us - we had friends over also, but my favorite times were the ones with just he and I.  We had so many amazing times together, and most of the time it was doing nothing... well, i guess you aren't really ever doing nothing - but there were times we would just sit in the garage and listen to music - doing nothing else but holding hands, playing footsie, just smiling at each other.  aaaaahhh! i miss that so much!! wow.  So, my dreams were shattered.  There is a Bible Study starting June 7 on this - "Keeping Your Focus When Your Dreams are Shattered," based on Joseph (interesting).  I hope Sweet Pea allows me to attend this...  Speaking of the pea, today is one month to my estimated due date! I can't wait to have her in my arms - I am so anxious to see what she looks like!

musical?

August 14, 2009... Church Ave apt...
We were headed out for a date night!  We went to Rochester for dinner and a movie, and did some photo booth pictures.  I will have to scan those - I have at least 4, he usually didn't want to, I could talk him into it, but then he loved it in the end!  Can you see the happiness in our faces?  I truly pray that you have that happiness in your relationships.  There is no reason to be in an unhappy relationship, and if you used to have happiness but it has gone dry, there are great resources to give you ideas to spice it up.... One book I would recommend is called "Red Hot Monogamy" by Bill & Pam Farrel.

Today I went to a Norwex party, and fell in love.  I will fall in even more love when I get the products I ordered.  And I signed up to have a party, June 11th, so I can get even more!  Check it out!

I have this pain in my upper right abdomen that will not go quit.  I can ease it some by leaning back or putting a hot or cold pack on it, but it is constant.  The cure will be delivery - woohoo!  Out of that pain will come a cleansing of the current pain that I have!  This Friday I will be 36 weeks pregnant.  My due date is one month from tomorrow.  I can't believe that I will soon have a child, that I will be a mother.  Yes!! A little mind and body that I can mold.  I wonder what she will be when she grows up... She has a great chance to be musical, since Joe and I both sang - he played the guitar, I play the piano and flute.

This verse is one of my goals in life... Something I'm constantly working on, but am striving for.

Philippians 2:3-5

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.  Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.  You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

seconds

August 7, 2010  |  Garage at Spur Lane

This is the day of our surprise engagement party... As always, Madi would only ever sit still if she was on Joe's lap.  She enjoyed running around and didn't sit much - Joe's lap was usually the only one she would sit in for longer than 5 seconds, and he loved it.

I just spent about 20 minutes looking through pictures on my computer and that brought a lot of tears.  I miss Joe so much and I'm so sad.  Thankfully, because of God I'm not in a constant state of extreme sadness.  I am able to do things that I need to do each day, and am not lying in bed swimming in my tears 24/7.  I could just stare at pictures of him, running my finger over them, kissing them, all day.  I can smile because of how happy he made me, but I cry a lot and hard because I lost him, and the way I thought and wanted my life to go is over.  I hate getting in these slumps, and I think that they are partly brought on my pregnancy hormones.  I have alot going on in my mind right now - i miss my dad, i miss joe, i'm 8 months pregnant - about to be a single mom - that is not why i got pregnant - i didn't get pregnant so i could raise a child on my own - sometimes i'm so mad - yes, i said it - joe and i got married and pregnant to start a family together - two key words - start, meaning this is just the beginning with more to come... and together, meaning with each other.  now, both of those pieces that I planned and thought I could control are gone - when i get so far down like this, i need to talk to God, pray to Him, ask Him for help.......  Heavenly Father, I adore you for all of creation, for your never-changing unconditional love, for your wisdom and for sharing that wisdom with us.  God, I confess to being angry at you for the way my life has gone.  I confess to wanting to control my life.  I confess to these things, and ask for your forgiveness.  God I thank you for having me be born into a wonderful family, and all of the wonderful years I had with my dad and everything I was able to learn from him... I thank you for bringing Joe and I together, our great relationship, and for our child... I thank you for the miracle of our Sweet Pea that you are knitting together in my womb... I thank you for your grace, love, mercy, and peace - each of which I would not be able to go on each day without, and I pray for continuance of this especially in these days where reality is coming into focus - I pray for you to hold me in your arms and pull me out of this despair I am in.  I pray for myself to allow you to put my broken heart back together, daily if necessary.  I pray for guidance and wisdom in my last month of pregnancy and in beginning my adventure as a mom.  I pray to know your will for my life, and that I do not try to control what is not mine to control.  God I love you and I pray all of this in your holy name....... Amen.

Philippians 1:9-11
I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return. May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation—the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ—for this will bring much glory and praise to God.

riches

I attended an amazing women's event at church tonight... I owe props to the speaker, Coy Herr, for tonight's blog.  Her talk was exactly what I needed, just a reminder and renewal of my strength from God.... So many of her words could come straight out of my mouth and fit exactly to me.

Philippians 4:6-7 is one verse I center my life around, and Coy explained the two parts tonight...

^"6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

When I accepted Christ into my heart I became a new me; however, the anxiety and worry does not go away instantly - it is something that I have to pray about and give to God daily (Philippians 4:6).

I have shared this with you before, but I am okay because of Christ, and because I do what I know I have to do even though I don't always want to.  These things include being in God's word, praying, being with Christian friends, and worshiping God through song.  Being 'okay' does not mean I am necessarily happy, but it does mean that I am at peace (Philippians 4:7).  No matter what hits me, God's grace is sufficient to heal me.  My needs and God's riches are a perfect match.

I was reading a book on keeping your marriage exciting and doing wonderful, creative things for each other.  One was to have little mailboxes and leave each other notes.  I still had this in my mailbox, and now it is on the fridge... how precious.  I am so thankful to God for giving me the sweet sweet husband that I had.

Have I shared this photo yet?  Don't we look young?  We look like high schoolers... This was an outing for my birthday - to think, I was going to turn 25 the next day, and now this year I will be 30.  I love his long messy hair (not mine though) and, of course, his arm around my shoulder - we were so happy and had only known each other a little less than a year and a half.  mu&lu joe.....

yawn

In Romans 3:23, Paul tells us how it is . . .

For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.

Then in Ephesians 2:8-9, he tells us how we can make right even though we are born sinners . . .
God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God.  Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.


The important and amazing part is that God's saving us with his grace is a GIFT (all we have to do is believe) - not something that we have to work for... it is by our faith we are saved, not our works... Our works are a result - the evidence - of our faith.  It is not the quality of your faith that saves you, it is the object of your faith. (notes from Pastor Rick's message today)

Clearly Wesley was bored with us, as evidenced by his huge yawn. 
haha ... Joe looks so young, and I look so... so, strange.

steak and taters

i never got my steak and baked potatoes dinner that Joe planned for us to have on 1.13.12 ... the steaks are still in the freezer, but i just threw the 2 potatoes out the other day... there are still some frozen veggies in the freezer though, i should probably eat those.

yesterday and today were rather overwhelming, but the garage sale went very well.  i had a handful of joe's work shirts and pants out, thinking i'd be just fine - after i sold 2 pair, the tears came.  they continued intermittently throughout the day today.. they come easier after being really tired and being around a lot of people.  i did get to leave and go to a celebrate recovery event for a couple hours, that helped put my life back into perspective.  afterwards, i spent a bit of time at the cemetery, pouring my heart out.  and now, i'm going to enjoy some alone time with my bump. :-)

at the celebrate recovery event i got to hear an amazing testimony of what God has given to one woman who has been through some terrible life events... her talk was great, and i'm going to share some of the scripture she shared with us.

How I feel sometimes:

Psalm 55:1-8

Listen to my prayer, O God.
    Do not ignore my cry for help!

Please listen and answer me,
    for I am overwhelmed by my troubles.

My enemies shout at me,
    making loud and wicked threats.
They bring trouble on me
    and angrily hunt me down. 

My heart pounds in my chest.
    The terror of death assaults me^.

Fear and trembling overwhelm me,
    and I can’t stop shaking.

Oh, that I had wings like a dove;
    then I would fly away and rest!

I would fly far away
    to the quiet of the wilderness.

How quickly I would escape—
    far from this wild storm of hatred.

What I remember when I get angry for MY husband being taken away from me:
1 Chronicles 29:11 ~ "Yours, O Lord, is the greatness, the power, the glory, the victory, and the majesty. Everything in the heavens and on earth is yours, O Lord, and this is your kingdom. We adore you as the one who is over all things."  He was not MINE - he is God's - he was given to me for five and a half wonderful years to love, to love me back, and to create a child with me...

I need to keep in mind:
Romans 8:28 ~ "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Good things WILL come.

New year's - January 1, 2010.  There is the hat that is in my pocket... Forever My Love.

title

... this is the story of the last day - it tells of phone calls, time in the hospital, and time at the funeral home ... be cautious in reading ...

Today is Friday the 13th. I'm not superstitious, but I like to expose my students to all different kinds of ideas that people have, so I prepared a short powerpoint from the web and newspaper to share with them.  Joe called this morning on the way to work, he is super excited about going snowmobiling - I warned him that the trails aren't even open yet, but he said that he is just going to scoot around Buffalo City a bit... so I'm not worried.  At about 1:00 I thought about calling him, but then something else came up, or someone came into my office... At the end of the day, around 3:15, I sent him a quick "I love you" text, since I hadn't talked to him all day and I was kind of wondering if he was still snowmobiling or home in bed.  I packed up my goodies and headed to the office to update my sub folder since I am going to be gone Monday for Sweet Pea's appointment.
My phone rang, and it was Jamie - strange, I wonder why she is calling me at this time of the day since I know she is still at work.  She wondered if I had heard from Tom (who Joe was with) or Jill (Tom's girlfriend), she said that Joe was in a snowmobile accident.  Luckily, there was a connection and Jamie heard about it and called me.  It probably isn't that serious though, I will just start heading home and call Jill to find out what is going on.  There were many calls between Jill and I during the next half hour, she was there telling me what was going on - Soon I find out it is more serious than I thought, and that they may be flying him to Rochester or LaCrosse... So I decided to just park downtown Rochester instead of starting to drive home and then finding out he was being flown to Rochester... but what if they flew him to LaCrosse instead? I am so distraught I don't know what to do, and I have been trying to get ahold of Steph so she could sit with me while I wait to hear what is going on.
In the mean time, I have also been talking with Cindy, and she said she would go to the hospital and wait for the ambulance so she could let me know what their decision was, since no one else seemed to know (Jill had also been asking the police and EMTs, but no one seemed to know what they were going to do).
After Steph got to my car, we decided to head to Winona.  We were on 2nd Street downtown when Steph and Cindy were on the phone, and Cindy was telling us to pull over.  I was shaking and screaming for her to just tell me what was going on.  Finally, Steph handed the phone to me and Cindy said that the doctor wanted to talk to me, and asked if that was ok.  Dr. Schubert came on the phone, clarified my identity, and told me that Joe didn't make it.
ummm...
what?
are you kidding me?
i thought he was going to have a broken leg or two, or maybe lots of broken bones - but still be living.
It was about 4:15 and Steph and I headed to Winona.
Cindy said that my whole family was at the hospital and that Ron and Joette were almost there as well - I wasn't sure if I wanted to go to the hospital, not sure if I could look at him... I was told earlier that when he was barely breathing and his face was very ashy in color.  I sure didn't want to see him like that, I thought I might drop dead of a broken heart right then and there.  I had an hour to think about it, and I changed my mind - I decided I would go to the hospital, but was still unsure if I wanted to see him.
While at the hospital, being hugged by the adult men in my life with them trembling, really makes me realize what just happened.  Both Pastor Rick and Pastor Joe were there as well, being just as loving and comforting as they were 10 months ago when we were in shock of losing my dad.  The hospital chaplain was there as well, bless her heart, but I didn't have any time for her... not knowing her from Adam, as my dad would say.  She told me that Joe looked just fine, that he just looked like he was sleeping.
OK, so I needed to see him now.
How could I not?
I wanted to stay with him... not leave him there in that cold ER room with all these people that he didn't know.  He was so cold from laying in the snow.  I just wanted to warm him up.
We all sat around him and cried, for many, many moments.  I picked up his cold stiff hand and put it on my belly... He was so cold.  He still had a breathing tube thing in his mouth too, and little green specks of paint on his face and in his hair from his helmet.  Not a scratch to be seen... His upper arms were broken though, so I could see a little swelling and bruising there.  The nurse offered me to see the scratches on his chest (all that he had), but I politely declined.  I wanted to take his wedding ring off, but I couldn't get it over his cold bent finger, so the nurse took it off.  I needed his earrings too - she took those off for me as well, and I am still wearing them.
There were three or four Winona Health bags with his clothes in them, I dug through that to take his phone and wallet.  His wallet is still in my purse, but his phone is now tucked away.  The front of his coat was all torn up, really made me sad, thinking of what he went through.  When I was finally ready to leave him, I felt this peace surrounding me as we walked out to my Jeep - God was telling me that everything would be OK.
We went straight to my mom's house, where we would stay for a couple weeks.  I can still see him laying on that bed, as if it were yesterday.  In the next few days I had the opportunity to see his body again, while the funeral home was getting him ready - at least then the tube wasn't in his mouth.  However, after the hospital took everything from his body that he had graciously donated and before the funeral home was finished working on him, I could really tell that his eyes were not behind his eye lids anymore... one corner of his mouth was kind of drooping... I was very particular with the funeral home in what I thought wasn't right yet - they assured me that they were not finished working with his body, but they wanted his family to be able to see him prior to his viewing.
He was my Joe, and I needed to have him looking as perfect as can be when all of his friends and family came to say their final goodbyes.
I had them take his thumbprint, and now have a charm with his thumbprint on the same loop as the charm that says "Forever My Love" on the bracelet he gave me for Christmas, and a charm with my dad's thumbprint on the loop to the left.  I also have a heart-shaped charm with his thumbprint on a pink leather cord for our daughter.  I also have a clipping of his hair, I loved his hair.  At this point, I don't think I knew where his hat was - I knew he had it on, and I wanted it - needed it.  It was his favorite hat, had been for about three years.  Some thought it was perhaps in the compartment on his snowmobile, that he wouldn't have worn it under his helmet.  I knew better, I knew that he would have been wearing it under his helmet ... Sure enough- it was in his helmet.  That is still in my coat pocket, but the smell of him is fading away.

Mark 11:24-26

"Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.  And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

the last kiss.

three months ago today - Thursday, January 12th, 2012 - this morning i received my second to last morning phone call from the love of my life, my joseph stanley gillett.  we are looking forward to Jenpachi on saturday for Cindy's birthday - we are also looking forward to the Gillett Christmas at the Metropolis in Eau Claire Feb 4-5.  we also have a doctor appointment to check up on Sweet Pea Monday morning!  we are under a winter weather advisory, and the storm is supposed to give us up to 7 inches of snow by the end of today...by the end of the day we will actually have 5 inches, and Cochrane will have 3.5 - Joe will get the snowblower out and clean us up, he always did his husbandly duties.  after work today i went to babies r us to look around at the clearance clothes and i got these super cute newborn jeggings - they are so little! i also got a cute little pink skirt with a purple skull on it- Joe loves that.  i'm big into selling things on facebook right now- making room for sweet pea, getting rid of purses, wallets, shoes, clothes, jewelry - anything i can.  when i get home from work tonight joe is going to hop in with me to make a delivery ... cute, he has his pj pants on with his snow boots :)  for supper we will have homemade shake n bake chicken breasts (that he was going to make, but i did instead because he was outside snowblowing), mac & cheese, and a veggie.  with all of this snow, he has asked if i would be mad if he go snowmobiling tomorrow - of course i wouldn't be mad! in fact, i'd rather he go tomorrow instead of wanting to go saturday, since we have plans for Cindy's birthday on saturday. 

that was the last day i saw him alive.  the last kiss.  the last hug.  the last supper.  the last look into his glistening eyes.  i believe our days are numbered and God knows what he is doing, but i can't help but wonder sometimes - what if it wouldn't have snowed?  - what if i would have said 'no, don't go' when he asked?  the crazy thing is i had sent him a text that said "i don't want you to die" or something like that and he said "i'm not planning on it"  why would i say that? i was always so worried about snowmobiling and safety - but he always seemed to be the safest one of the bunch... holy crap, i miss him.  he is in my dreams almost every night - but they are better dreams than they used to be... not disturbing or disorienting ones.  i hope that i and all of our families and friends can make sure that this little girl knows how much her daddy already loved her when she was just a little pea in my belly - how ecstatic he was on December 19th when we saw her during our ultrasound and he heard the magical words, "It's a girl."  How excited he was on Christmas Eve morning when he felt her move in my belly.  I'm so sad that life didn't go how I wanted it... but it just proves to me that we don't control the world.  we were so excited to parent together, to grow old together, to share memories of my dad with her - now it is going to be sharing memories of my dad and her dad. maybe someday her and i will have a boat and enjoy summer days on the river... this summer we will go to the lakeview as long as it is during her waking hours - we will take either the Cherokee or the Dodge.  i need to represent Joe and do things that we would have done and that he would have wanted her to experience.

i had to take a quick break and play a game of spider solitaire to let my eyes dry up a little. ugh. this is so tough, but if you read yesterday's post's scripture, you know how I am continuing to go on and look towards the future.  there is both bad grief and good grief... "bad grief stays in a tunnel with no light, and good grief is in a tunnel but it sees a light, or at least believes light exists" (Lutzer, E & R, 2011).  today i'm going to share with you two verses regarding peace, the peace i feel, that peace that is pulling me up out of the darkness - or pulling me through the dark tunnel...  John 14:27: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."  Philippians 4:7: "The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  I love that - this peace is guarding my heart and my mind. 

Today is not a 1 picture day - actually, I have 27 here to share.  They may have been posted previously, but I just went through one of my albums and selected all of the pictures of us together, I love looking at them all and swimming in the happiness we had together.  I'm not going to try to give dates, but I will do my best on locations and who we were with or what was going on...

 Church Avenue apartment in Saint Charles with Bud, Karen, and Amy

 Slippery's in Wabasha (via boat) - just the two of us

 Red Wing hotel room - just the two of us

 Red Wing pottery place - just the two of us.

 Cochrane Inn - with classmates after Krista's wake

 Westfield Golf Course - Amy & Tom's wedding

 Buffalo City Resort probably after a day on the river

 Cindy & Bob's Heights Blvd house for Christmas

 Spur Lane - Thanksgiving

 in the back of Ron's Grand Cherokee on the way back from Eau Claire (I lost an earring!:()

Holiday Inn Rochester New Years Eve

not sure

 Whitewater State Park - just the two of us

 I think Kentucky, on our way to Virginia - just the two of us.

 for sure Kentucky - just the two of us (holy bad hair)

 Peggy and Jake's house for someone's birthday

 road side stop between here and Virginia - just the two of us

 Virginia - with Megan

 Winona Bowl New Year's Eve with Amy, Tom, Mindy, Mike, and Karen

 Tomah hotel - just the two of us.

 Mike & Mindy's wedding (obviously having a BLAST)

 Winona Bowl New Year's Eve with Amy, Tom, Mindy, Mike, and Karen

 i think this is actually in a Winona hotel - we would do that sometimes when i lived in Roch and he in BC

 Burnstad's Market in Tomah WI - just the two of us

 Cindy & Bob's Heights Blvd house - for Andrea's birthday and/or Father's Day

 Oakview Drive apartment in Saint Charles before I left for Las Vegas

Heavenly Father, thank you for your peace, the peace that guards my heart and my mind.  Thank you for all of the amazing memories I have with Joe and the pictures that will never let those memories be erased, and for our baby growing in my womb.  I pray for you to guide me in all that I do today, and to be with all of those reading this right now.  Amen.