i just turned my paper in!
wahoo!
excited to get it graded and be awarded my Master's degree! (hopefully)
i'm at one of those moments in my life again where i feel like i just heard the news... like it just happened. sometimes i feel like i lost my dad then lost joe the very next day. and now our daughter is almost 7 months old. she has been living longer than we were married. we were married for 6 months, 3 weeks, and 5 days. she is now 6 months, 3 weeks, and 6 days old. and boy have those last 6 months gone fast. she can now sit up pretty good. not perfect, but perfect for now. she has eaten peas, pears, carrots, and avocado. if it were up to her, she would sample everything that i eat and drink, but i want her to get a good taste for veggies and fruits, then lean proteins ... before junk. being solely responsible for her well-being is stressful for me. it may sound appealing to some who have a hard time making decisions with their spouse/parental partner, but having to make decisions is difficult when you are the one responsible for everything. i would like to put her in a bubble, but i don't think that would be socially appropriate! (lotis) i still have one hamper full of joe's dirty work clothes. they have been there for almost a year now. maybe i will wash them one of these days. it hurts so bad to know they will never be in that hamper again, dirty from rtp's black hole. i'm not sure when i will go through things in the garage. as far as i'm concerned, it can stay just how it is. things can be done as needed. i am in no hurry at all to clean, organize, nothing... maybe i will set a goal of having it presentable by DJoe's first birthday, so she can have her party out there if we have nice weather... that gives me just a little over 5 months, i think i can handle that... maybe. because of buying my engagement ring and wrap, joe was in the diamond club through the jewelry store... because of that he receives a coupon for $50 off $100 once a year for three years. Last year he bought me my Christmas present with it - the beautiful bracelet with a heart charm he had engraved "Forever My Love" - upon which I have added thumbprint charms for both him and my dad, as well as a charm with DakotaJoe's name on it... Well, another came in the mail this year, and I just used it. Joe helped buy me a ring to honor our daughter with. It is an emerald (her birthstone) and diamond ring, and I love it (thanks honey!) ... There will be another coupon coming in the mail next year, looking forward to that gift from him also. the jeep is fixed, it needed a new alternator. i thought i would love driving it, and sometimes i do, but i think it is making me miss joe even more, and gives me a lump in my throat every time i get in, realizing that he is not here to drive it... or fix it.. or anything. joe's dad wants it, and i think i will be ready to give it up sooner than i thought. i'm torn. thinking of not having it breaks my heart, but getting in it every day breaks my heart too. knowing that it is still in the family and maybe i could drive it once in a while would be helpful (therapeutic?) though... i might be getting talked into purchasing a mini van... joe used to (and his dad does too) say they are "uglier than sin" ... but i think he would be ok with DJoe and i having one now, if it made our lives a little easier. i don't want a car, i hate getting the carseat in and out of the back so low... do i regret getting rid of my compass, you ask? no, i don't. i do not miss the $315/month payments. if i get something else now, it is going to be something much more pocketbook friendly.
we have two parties this afternoon, so i better get some things ready while my precious baby is still napping!
with all my struggles i still have hope -- and i pray that God's light can shine through the cracks of my brokenness...
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
keeping up
i'm having a hard time keeping up...
things will get better after this week though, when I'm done with my Master's.
are you mad at your spouse? ungrateful?
take a moment - close your eyes, and go through a typical day in the life of your family in your head... today, perhaps, with all of the snow...
did your spouse help you out? or did you act alone today, taking care of you and your children, shoveling, doing all of the things parents have to do for their kids as well as for themselves?
Now... Imagine that same day without them. You have to do all of the things you did, but without them in the picture.
Do you appreciate them now?
I'm not asking for you to feel sorry for me, I'm just thinking outloud - journaling, if you will.
Today was rough. Thankfully, I put the Jeep in the garage last night since it was supposed to snow. DJoe slept wonderfully!! 8:30-5:30, got up to eat, then we went back to bed till 8:30- got myself ready quick, went out and started the Jeep, then put her (still in her jammies, cuz she hadn't woken up yet) in her car seat and we were off to church. Roads weren't too bad, but I did drive slow. We got to church a bit late, then I went to the nursery to change and feed her. The message was great, I will talk about that later. On the way home from church, stopped to get gas, drove through McDonald's for breakfast, stopped at Walgreens to get Christmas cards to hand out today, and went home - she had fallen asleep. So, I took the opportunity to do some shoveling. thick, sloppy snow. got a skinny strip done on the sidewalk around the house. Straightened my hair a bit, she is still sleeping - just about time to go to the Bagniewski Christmas celebration and she wakes up. So, I change her diaper and clothes (she was still in her jammies) and quickly head out the door. I met Cindy & Bob at the Spur so they could follow me, since the Jeep is "squirrely" in the snow, and I wanted someone close in case I needed help. It was fine, the highway was nice. About halfway there I went to pull something out of my bag, and lo-an-behol it wasn't there!!
GREAT!
that means no diapers, burp cloths, wallet, etc... but i did have my phone in my pocket, the Christmas cards to hand out, and a pie for the potluck.
Bob carried DJoe (her+carseat = so heavy!) in, and we proceeded to celebrate Christmas. I handed my pie to my aunt to put by the other desserts. I told her my friend dropped it off yesterday so I thought I'd bring it.. Cindy jokingly says, "I hope it is baked!" She looked at it and says "oh yeah, it is!" My cousin has a 14(ish) month old, and he wears diapers one size bigger than DJoe, and she said we could have one if needed. phew! a few things happened but lets fast forward to eating. we are eating, and I went to get some desserts (yes SOME dessertS) and Cindy said she wanted a piece of the apple pie I brought. So, I bring her a piece. She picks at it a little and exclaims "It isn't baked!" ROFLMAO (excuse me) {Yesterday I got a call from my dear friend Chantel, saying she was at a pie making party all day and was sent home with 5 pies, and was dropping one off on my porch... when i got home, to prevent myself from eating it all last night, i just grabbed it from the porch and put it into the fridge then pulled it out this morning and took it, assuming it was baked!} we soon had to say our goodbyes as we had another event back in Winona at 2:00. We left my aunt & uncles and headed for Hoff Funeral Home. Today was their annual memorial service for those lost in the last year. Joe's parents and niece Grace came too, and we were presented with a nice service. I knew what to expect, since, sadly, I was there last year also.. We listened to a speaker, a quartet - which, side note, my niece's college adviser was in, which was funny - , got a candle and ornament in memory of Joe, ate some cookies, and drank some cider. Upon leaving, we noticed the snow was changing texture... making for probably not the best driving anymore... meaning, we are not going to be able to go to Buffalo City tonight for a tree lighting ceremony in memory of loved ones lost, including Joe. I really wanted to go, but we just couldn't drive out there in this snow... So, we went to my mom's since Frank & Steph were still in town.. we hung out with them, ate supper with my mom, let DJoe have some moving room that she did not get much of this weekend, and left around 7. With all this snow, I had a hankering to get her a real snow suit that won't soak through, that I could lay her in the snow in and take pictures - and maybe she would roll around ;)... So, we are off to Target! (are you thinking what I wasn't thinking?) On the way, I pulled over to wipe the lights off because they seemed dim - well, there was no snow on them.. hmm.. a few blocks later, the radio started cutting out. on. off. on. off. on. off. then, soon, we got beeping. beeping. beeping. beeping. beeping. i tried turning it off and it wouldn't. beeping. beeping. beeping. beeping. finally it just shut off. we pull into target, almost pull into a parking spot and I realize - I don't have my wallet, duh! - so, to home we go.
I pull into the driveway, put the Jeep in neutral and pull up the Ebrake, hop out and open the garage door. As I'm walking back to the Jeep it started sounding real sad, idling real slow - uh-oh - I quick get back in to rev it up, but I was too late. dead. tried to start it. click.click.click. sheesh! alright, guess it is staying right here! sent a text to get help from Joe's dad after he gets off of work tomorrow. texted Cindy to see if she would come over and watch DJoe and let me take her car to an appointment I have tomorrow at noon. ok, everything is ok. got it covered. went in, laid DJoe on the floor with appropriate-only things in her reach (she isn't crawling yet), kiss her, go back outside to shovel. Shoveled one shovel-width down one sidewalk, shoveled the sidewalks that go down into the road, then looked in the front window to make sure she was ok - yep, playing away, talking to herself - turned the corner and shoveled one strip down the sidewalk on the front side of the house. peeked in on her again, shoveled another strip back around the house... (i got inappropriately annoyed during my shoveling time seeing how both of my neighbors' sidewalks were perfectly clear, stopping at our exact property line... i mean, don't they know i'm a widowed single mom who could use a little help? ugh! ... i only thought that for a second or two, but i enjoy taking care of my own business - it makes me feel like i'm accomplishing something - and if you know me, i don't really like asking for help - i feel guilty if people do things for me if i'm capable of getting it done myself - but still, are there no good people out there anymore that just do things "because"? especially since it was obvious they had snowblowers... my shoveling job is pretty humorous. i hope i make someone's day when they are walking down my side walk and get a laugh out of my shoveling job!) anyways, i didn't touch the driveway, since the jeep is there until further notice anyways. came in, she was still playing (rolled over, but still playing and talking to herself). pulled out the peas from the fridge, put in microwave for 15 seconds and picked her up from floor, took off her pretty Christmas sweater, sat her in her chair, put on her bib, and fed her her peas.... while i was feeding her i read the Baby Bullet book for suggestions on other "first" foods. She finished her peas, cleaned her up, and we went in her bedroom to put on her jammies, read stories, nurse, and go to sleep. phew! what a full day! she has been sleeping for about an hour now, and should sleep till 5-6... i hope! my arms are sore. i'm exhausted. now i'm going to try to make the wireless work on my new laptop again (i'm currently on my old beat-up one) so i can get my paper done. life is crazy. never a dull moment. as long as i don't forget my baby somewhere, i'll be ok. joe was the snowblower in the family. he also would have the jeep running with tip-top performance (i wouldn't be driving it if he were here anyways). he probably would have carried DJoe out to the car so I could remember to grab our bag. i added a solar operated snowflake light by his headstone yesterday morning - maybe that is why we have all of this snow. hah.
okay, so today's message at church was on joy.
despite my story of today, i have a lot to be thankful for in my life. i have an amazing baby. i have an amazing family. i have a fine house with a running furnace, fridge, water heater, washer & dryer, working plumbing, and many other 'essentials' - many of which there are families that do not have these. i have great friends. i have a shovel. i have a video monitor so i can watch my baby sleep. i have a great church. i have a job interview Tuesday!! what? i didn't tell you? yeah!! 20 hours + benefits, working with 16-24 year olds - back to the age group I was created to work with! i'll tell you more about it later, if i make it to the second round of interviews. anyways, back to today's message...
1. expect joy - joy is here! it is sent to us! - sometimes we confuse happiness and joy - happiness is temporary and joy is eternal.... think about that - is what you are feeling right now temporary, or eternal?
2. choose joy - experience joy by helping others experience joy!
Philemon 1:6: And I am praying that you will put into action the generosity that comes from your faith as you understand and experience all the good things we have in Christ.
I have joy in the Lord. Jesus died for my sins (yours too!), proclaiming "it is finished" - the war is over, He won. We do not have to go to Hell because He did that for us. Isn't that awesome? We have to believe he is who he says he is, he did what he said he did, and that he will do what he says he will do. Do you? I sure do. things of this world - be it happiness or sadness - are temporary. joy in the Lord is eternal. my daily struggles of being a widowed mom are temporary. and with that, i do not worry about future endeavors. to worry about the future would be imagining life without God. why would I worry? If our God is for us, who could be against us?
things will get better after this week though, when I'm done with my Master's.
are you mad at your spouse? ungrateful?
take a moment - close your eyes, and go through a typical day in the life of your family in your head... today, perhaps, with all of the snow...
did your spouse help you out? or did you act alone today, taking care of you and your children, shoveling, doing all of the things parents have to do for their kids as well as for themselves?
Now... Imagine that same day without them. You have to do all of the things you did, but without them in the picture.
Do you appreciate them now?
I'm not asking for you to feel sorry for me, I'm just thinking outloud - journaling, if you will.
Today was rough. Thankfully, I put the Jeep in the garage last night since it was supposed to snow. DJoe slept wonderfully!! 8:30-5:30, got up to eat, then we went back to bed till 8:30- got myself ready quick, went out and started the Jeep, then put her (still in her jammies, cuz she hadn't woken up yet) in her car seat and we were off to church. Roads weren't too bad, but I did drive slow. We got to church a bit late, then I went to the nursery to change and feed her. The message was great, I will talk about that later. On the way home from church, stopped to get gas, drove through McDonald's for breakfast, stopped at Walgreens to get Christmas cards to hand out today, and went home - she had fallen asleep. So, I took the opportunity to do some shoveling. thick, sloppy snow. got a skinny strip done on the sidewalk around the house. Straightened my hair a bit, she is still sleeping - just about time to go to the Bagniewski Christmas celebration and she wakes up. So, I change her diaper and clothes (she was still in her jammies) and quickly head out the door. I met Cindy & Bob at the Spur so they could follow me, since the Jeep is "squirrely" in the snow, and I wanted someone close in case I needed help. It was fine, the highway was nice. About halfway there I went to pull something out of my bag, and lo-an-behol it wasn't there!!
GREAT!
that means no diapers, burp cloths, wallet, etc... but i did have my phone in my pocket, the Christmas cards to hand out, and a pie for the potluck.
Bob carried DJoe (her+carseat = so heavy!) in, and we proceeded to celebrate Christmas. I handed my pie to my aunt to put by the other desserts. I told her my friend dropped it off yesterday so I thought I'd bring it.. Cindy jokingly says, "I hope it is baked!" She looked at it and says "oh yeah, it is!" My cousin has a 14(ish) month old, and he wears diapers one size bigger than DJoe, and she said we could have one if needed. phew! a few things happened but lets fast forward to eating. we are eating, and I went to get some desserts (yes SOME dessertS) and Cindy said she wanted a piece of the apple pie I brought. So, I bring her a piece. She picks at it a little and exclaims "It isn't baked!" ROFLMAO (excuse me) {Yesterday I got a call from my dear friend Chantel, saying she was at a pie making party all day and was sent home with 5 pies, and was dropping one off on my porch... when i got home, to prevent myself from eating it all last night, i just grabbed it from the porch and put it into the fridge then pulled it out this morning and took it, assuming it was baked!} we soon had to say our goodbyes as we had another event back in Winona at 2:00. We left my aunt & uncles and headed for Hoff Funeral Home. Today was their annual memorial service for those lost in the last year. Joe's parents and niece Grace came too, and we were presented with a nice service. I knew what to expect, since, sadly, I was there last year also.. We listened to a speaker, a quartet - which, side note, my niece's college adviser was in, which was funny - , got a candle and ornament in memory of Joe, ate some cookies, and drank some cider. Upon leaving, we noticed the snow was changing texture... making for probably not the best driving anymore... meaning, we are not going to be able to go to Buffalo City tonight for a tree lighting ceremony in memory of loved ones lost, including Joe. I really wanted to go, but we just couldn't drive out there in this snow... So, we went to my mom's since Frank & Steph were still in town.. we hung out with them, ate supper with my mom, let DJoe have some moving room that she did not get much of this weekend, and left around 7. With all this snow, I had a hankering to get her a real snow suit that won't soak through, that I could lay her in the snow in and take pictures - and maybe she would roll around ;)... So, we are off to Target! (are you thinking what I wasn't thinking?) On the way, I pulled over to wipe the lights off because they seemed dim - well, there was no snow on them.. hmm.. a few blocks later, the radio started cutting out. on. off. on. off. on. off. then, soon, we got beeping. beeping. beeping. beeping. beeping. i tried turning it off and it wouldn't. beeping. beeping. beeping. beeping. finally it just shut off. we pull into target, almost pull into a parking spot and I realize - I don't have my wallet, duh! - so, to home we go.
I pull into the driveway, put the Jeep in neutral and pull up the Ebrake, hop out and open the garage door. As I'm walking back to the Jeep it started sounding real sad, idling real slow - uh-oh - I quick get back in to rev it up, but I was too late. dead. tried to start it. click.click.click. sheesh! alright, guess it is staying right here! sent a text to get help from Joe's dad after he gets off of work tomorrow. texted Cindy to see if she would come over and watch DJoe and let me take her car to an appointment I have tomorrow at noon. ok, everything is ok. got it covered. went in, laid DJoe on the floor with appropriate-only things in her reach (she isn't crawling yet), kiss her, go back outside to shovel. Shoveled one shovel-width down one sidewalk, shoveled the sidewalks that go down into the road, then looked in the front window to make sure she was ok - yep, playing away, talking to herself - turned the corner and shoveled one strip down the sidewalk on the front side of the house. peeked in on her again, shoveled another strip back around the house... (i got inappropriately annoyed during my shoveling time seeing how both of my neighbors' sidewalks were perfectly clear, stopping at our exact property line... i mean, don't they know i'm a widowed single mom who could use a little help? ugh! ... i only thought that for a second or two, but i enjoy taking care of my own business - it makes me feel like i'm accomplishing something - and if you know me, i don't really like asking for help - i feel guilty if people do things for me if i'm capable of getting it done myself - but still, are there no good people out there anymore that just do things "because"? especially since it was obvious they had snowblowers... my shoveling job is pretty humorous. i hope i make someone's day when they are walking down my side walk and get a laugh out of my shoveling job!) anyways, i didn't touch the driveway, since the jeep is there until further notice anyways. came in, she was still playing (rolled over, but still playing and talking to herself). pulled out the peas from the fridge, put in microwave for 15 seconds and picked her up from floor, took off her pretty Christmas sweater, sat her in her chair, put on her bib, and fed her her peas.... while i was feeding her i read the Baby Bullet book for suggestions on other "first" foods. She finished her peas, cleaned her up, and we went in her bedroom to put on her jammies, read stories, nurse, and go to sleep. phew! what a full day! she has been sleeping for about an hour now, and should sleep till 5-6... i hope! my arms are sore. i'm exhausted. now i'm going to try to make the wireless work on my new laptop again (i'm currently on my old beat-up one) so i can get my paper done. life is crazy. never a dull moment. as long as i don't forget my baby somewhere, i'll be ok. joe was the snowblower in the family. he also would have the jeep running with tip-top performance (i wouldn't be driving it if he were here anyways). he probably would have carried DJoe out to the car so I could remember to grab our bag. i added a solar operated snowflake light by his headstone yesterday morning - maybe that is why we have all of this snow. hah.
okay, so today's message at church was on joy.
despite my story of today, i have a lot to be thankful for in my life. i have an amazing baby. i have an amazing family. i have a fine house with a running furnace, fridge, water heater, washer & dryer, working plumbing, and many other 'essentials' - many of which there are families that do not have these. i have great friends. i have a shovel. i have a video monitor so i can watch my baby sleep. i have a great church. i have a job interview Tuesday!! what? i didn't tell you? yeah!! 20 hours + benefits, working with 16-24 year olds - back to the age group I was created to work with! i'll tell you more about it later, if i make it to the second round of interviews. anyways, back to today's message...
1. expect joy - joy is here! it is sent to us! - sometimes we confuse happiness and joy - happiness is temporary and joy is eternal.... think about that - is what you are feeling right now temporary, or eternal?
2. choose joy - experience joy by helping others experience joy!
Philemon 1:6: And I am praying that you will put into action the generosity that comes from your faith as you understand and experience all the good things we have in Christ.
I have joy in the Lord. Jesus died for my sins (yours too!), proclaiming "it is finished" - the war is over, He won. We do not have to go to Hell because He did that for us. Isn't that awesome? We have to believe he is who he says he is, he did what he said he did, and that he will do what he says he will do. Do you? I sure do. things of this world - be it happiness or sadness - are temporary. joy in the Lord is eternal. my daily struggles of being a widowed mom are temporary. and with that, i do not worry about future endeavors. to worry about the future would be imagining life without God. why would I worry? If our God is for us, who could be against us?
our daughter LOVES singing!! if you sing to her, she dances, shakes side to side. she does her own little singing along too, it is so cute! what would you expect from parents that sang together?
this is one of our Christmas photos - sweet baby, so precious. <3
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