Monday, July 1, 2013
Monday, June 10, 2013
t-ball makes me cry
wow, that was a big picture on my last post - huh?
maybe i won't add pictures from my phone anymore!
so, tonight was the first night of winona park & rec t-ball, and both my niece and nephew are participating. it was fun. my niece was a little hesitant to run across the field with her new teammates for their first big huddle, which i can completely understand - her first team sport, a little intimidating... so, i ran across with her and sat with her through their meeting, and then she ran off and played - wonderfully, i might add. i saw one of my old students from the preschool too, when i sat down with my niece, he got up from his spot and came over and plopped down next to me, exclaiming, "I like you!" that was sweet.
when my niece took her first run around the bases, the tears began to flow. then my nephew, more tears. i just got this overwhelming feeling about how proud my dad, their grandpa, and joe, their *favorite* uncle, would be of them... uff-da. how life would be so much different if they were both sitting their cheering them on. i felt like i was punched in the gut. then, they ran the bases some more, and threw the balls around, and i wasn't so sad anymore. until djoe and i were leaving. i'm pushing her in the stroller across the grass towards the parking lot, when i see a boy with his parents squatting down behind him, beaming with delight, getting a photo taken of the three of them. punch in the gut #2. we will never have any photo like that. djoe won't have her dad in the stands at t-ball, dance recitals, band concerts, graduation. this punch in the gut made me feel like i was going to lose my lunch, but i collected myself.
unfortunately, i don't have any t-ball pictures to share since i have been getting real good at letting my phone run out of battery life, and tonight was one of those times.
maybe i won't add pictures from my phone anymore!
so, tonight was the first night of winona park & rec t-ball, and both my niece and nephew are participating. it was fun. my niece was a little hesitant to run across the field with her new teammates for their first big huddle, which i can completely understand - her first team sport, a little intimidating... so, i ran across with her and sat with her through their meeting, and then she ran off and played - wonderfully, i might add. i saw one of my old students from the preschool too, when i sat down with my niece, he got up from his spot and came over and plopped down next to me, exclaiming, "I like you!" that was sweet.
when my niece took her first run around the bases, the tears began to flow. then my nephew, more tears. i just got this overwhelming feeling about how proud my dad, their grandpa, and joe, their *favorite* uncle, would be of them... uff-da. how life would be so much different if they were both sitting their cheering them on. i felt like i was punched in the gut. then, they ran the bases some more, and threw the balls around, and i wasn't so sad anymore. until djoe and i were leaving. i'm pushing her in the stroller across the grass towards the parking lot, when i see a boy with his parents squatting down behind him, beaming with delight, getting a photo taken of the three of them. punch in the gut #2. we will never have any photo like that. djoe won't have her dad in the stands at t-ball, dance recitals, band concerts, graduation. this punch in the gut made me feel like i was going to lose my lunch, but i collected myself.
unfortunately, i don't have any t-ball pictures to share since i have been getting real good at letting my phone run out of battery life, and tonight was one of those times.
ALL things
Excerpt from "streams in the desert"
He requires many different colors which individually maybe quite drab, to weave into the harmonious pattern.
Separate tones notes and even discords are required to compose melodious musical anthems; a piece of machinery requires many separate wheels parts and connections.
One part from a machine may be useless or one note from an anthem may never be considered beautiful but taken together combined and completed they lead to perfect balance and harmony.
We can learn a lesson of faith from this: "you do not realize now what I'm doing, but later you will understand" (John 13:7).
This all stems from Romans 8:28 "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose".
To me this means all of the crappy things that have happened and are happening in my life will together form an amazing story.
What does it mean to you?
Today I cancelled my tv programming. Tv channels do not help to live a simple life. I have also started paving the path to reducing debt. Life, here I come!
Friday, June 7, 2013
simple.
it's been a while!
i hope to give updates more frequently.
in addition to djoe updates and insights from God's Word, I will update you on my new endeavor to simplify my life!
so, on wednesday, i lost the job i thought i'd have until retirement. i started it in january, and loved it.. i was completely blindsided on wednesday, being told that it isn't the "right fit" ... my work was "exemplary", but i wasn't the "right fit" ... what does that mean?
with that being said .... I KNOW WHO GOES BEFORE ME, I KNOW WHO STANDS BEHIND... THE GOD OF ANGEL ARMIES IS ALWAYS BY MY SIDE... we sang that song at CR tonight... listen to the whole song here!
i'm not worried. yes, i'm upset because it was such a shock, but i'm holding God to his promises, and look forward to what he has planned for me next!
Psalm 31:3 states "Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me." That is my prayer right now. I do not want to make any quick decisions before truly listening to what God wants me to do.
Will you pray with me?
Simplicity:
a simple life frees up time for things that matter
less stuff is better than more stuff
less stress
slow down
i am going to be getting rid of "stuff" and not allowing any new "stuff" come into our home - except for necessities, food, toiletries, etc. we do not need anything. yes, there are wants, but wants complicate life. "stuff" creates chaos. i don't want djoe growing up in a world with chaos. i don't want to live in a world of chaos.
i'm excited to get simple.
i hope to give updates more frequently.
in addition to djoe updates and insights from God's Word, I will update you on my new endeavor to simplify my life!
so, on wednesday, i lost the job i thought i'd have until retirement. i started it in january, and loved it.. i was completely blindsided on wednesday, being told that it isn't the "right fit" ... my work was "exemplary", but i wasn't the "right fit" ... what does that mean?
with that being said .... I KNOW WHO GOES BEFORE ME, I KNOW WHO STANDS BEHIND... THE GOD OF ANGEL ARMIES IS ALWAYS BY MY SIDE... we sang that song at CR tonight... listen to the whole song here!
i'm not worried. yes, i'm upset because it was such a shock, but i'm holding God to his promises, and look forward to what he has planned for me next!
Psalm 31:3 states "Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me." That is my prayer right now. I do not want to make any quick decisions before truly listening to what God wants me to do.
Will you pray with me?
Simplicity:
a simple life frees up time for things that matter
less stuff is better than more stuff
less stress
slow down
i am going to be getting rid of "stuff" and not allowing any new "stuff" come into our home - except for necessities, food, toiletries, etc. we do not need anything. yes, there are wants, but wants complicate life. "stuff" creates chaos. i don't want djoe growing up in a world with chaos. i don't want to live in a world of chaos.
i'm excited to get simple.
a promise
this is my promise to make an entry once each week...
here is a photo from sweet pea's 1st birthday!
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
yuck
if you and i see or talk to each other regularly, you will probably be upset with me after reading this post... i am not one to share my thoughts and feelings face to face, and for some reason it is easier here.
i am sad.
i am very sad.
i am so so very sad.
i am actually realizing i was hiding, perhaps even in denial of, how sad i have been. i am slowly breaking out of that denial.
i was a daddy's girl. his little baby. i wonder what he would think now, his baby all grown up, with a baby of her own. my dad knew everything. he knew how to do everything. how to fix anything. how to make anything work. he would come rescue you wherever, whenever, no matter the weather. three specific times that will never leave my mind (among others) are when my sister's car died in Cannon Falls, and he drove all the way up there to take care of her, when I lived in rochester and we had a bad snow storm, but i was supposed to run karaoke that night in winona and he and my mom came to get me, bring me to winona so i could do karaoke, and then take me home again at the end of the weekend, and when someone pulled out in front of joe on 61 on his way home from work and he called my dad, and he came to rescue him. i mean, come on. how many parents do things like that for you?
i think that when i saw joe lying in the hospital bed that cold night over a year ago, i thought that we were in a movie. this is just a scene in a movie, life will be back to normal soon. i think i honestly thought he'd be back by now. i was fooling myself, thinking this was just a phase, it will pass - life will be back to how it was, how it was supposed to be, soon... well, now that a year has passed, i think my mind and heart are beginning to realize that this is not a movie, or if it is, i guessed the ending wrong, and it is much longer than i had thought. you know how some movies have the option of an alternate ending? i wish i could chose that right now. i wonder what that ending would be like. would we be planning our second child? would we have a new garage door? would i have so many body aches? i'm pretty sure that i will never find another man that loved me like joe did. i know i have shared about our love a lot .. but, i have been thinking about it a lot lately. i have a lot of flaws, and my family is a huge part of my life and we are always together, and i know not every spouse enjoys or even tolerates that... joe, well, he was right there alongside of me. he loved me in spite of my flaws, and i could totally be myself around him, and he loved me. and he was cute! and he was so much like my dad - he knew everything. he knew how to do everything. he knew how to fix anything. he knew how to make anything work. i am so lost. i am so sad. i have no motivation. djoe is lucky she gets her diaper changed half the time. maybe i am just having a rough day. my house is a disaster. if you ever come here, please don't judge me. i am depressed. i am a widowed single mother without her own dad. i'd rather buy new clothes or dishes than clean the ones i have. that isn't how i want to be. i have the best intentions, visions of a clean, organized house. not shit everywhere. but, frankly, i see no point right now. well, i do, i mean, i want djoe to grow up in a not-chaotic house, but, well, i just don't know. .. like i said, i have great intentions, it is just the follow through. i have always been like this, but it is so so much worse now. my dad isn't here to tell me i should keep my vehicle clean. joe isn't here wanting a clean house. i'm not ready for help yet though, and i don't know when i will be. if you ask if you can help, i will probably say no. if you do something without asking i might be annoyed or thankful, depending on the day.
i'm not asking you to feel sorry for me, this is more like a diary entry. an entry most people wouldn't let anyone else read. me; however, well, maybe it is a cry for help. i see a doctor regularly regarding my depression, anxiety, and other issues- we are working on meds and natural remedies (like exercise. i want to exercise! i have videos waiting to be popped into the dvd player- but motivation, nope, don't have that yet.)... and i am also going to celebrate recovery as often as life allows, but it is my day to day happenings that are the hardest. and when i'm at work it is like i am a different person. i can just think about work and get things done. but when i walk out the doors, toward the jeep, knowing it is just me and my baby, reality hits - very hard. i honestly can't believe i have been breastfeeding djoe for over 8 months. besides a job and my relationship with joe, i'm not sure there is much that i have done for that long. it is starting to get hard though, coordinating work and pumping, making sure she has enough milk for while i'm at work... but i just want to make it until May... less than 4 months.
the difference between my posts as of late and my earlier posts are the involvement of God. that is what I am missing also. I need God and exercise - those are the two prescriptions that would help me the most. i just get in such a stinkin' rut sometimes. i think it is definitely this season..
on the other hand, i have, seriously, THE happiest baby EVER> which helps, and i feel guilty, it should help more - how can she not be all the motivation i need? am i a bad mom?
besides missing joe so much, i miss being in an intimate relationship. and i want to be in one bad. but as soon as i picture myself with a man on a date (weird, a date?!) i get an upset stomach... so i know i'm nowhere near being ready for a relationship, but i ache for one. i ache for joe. to have the two most important men snatched from me in an instant less than a year apart... that makes me ache. maybe that is why my body aches. i had my teeth cleaned yesterday, and when i tried to get up after laying there for that time, i was so stiff, it hurt to get up. yuck. i need warm temps so i can go outside and walk. or i need a free gym membership. and i need a new vehicle. the heat doesn't work very good in the jeep, and djoe is going to need the next stage of carseat soon, which is one that stays in the car, facing the back - that will be awfully hard to get her in and out of in a two door jeep with a slight lift.
after swimming lessons tomorrow we are heading to eau claire for some gillett family fun. i'm both excited and nervous - it will be fun, but also overwhelming. being around joe's family is a reality kick to the heart. but, we will be there.
i am sad.
i am very sad.
i am so so very sad.
i am actually realizing i was hiding, perhaps even in denial of, how sad i have been. i am slowly breaking out of that denial.
i was a daddy's girl. his little baby. i wonder what he would think now, his baby all grown up, with a baby of her own. my dad knew everything. he knew how to do everything. how to fix anything. how to make anything work. he would come rescue you wherever, whenever, no matter the weather. three specific times that will never leave my mind (among others) are when my sister's car died in Cannon Falls, and he drove all the way up there to take care of her, when I lived in rochester and we had a bad snow storm, but i was supposed to run karaoke that night in winona and he and my mom came to get me, bring me to winona so i could do karaoke, and then take me home again at the end of the weekend, and when someone pulled out in front of joe on 61 on his way home from work and he called my dad, and he came to rescue him. i mean, come on. how many parents do things like that for you?
i think that when i saw joe lying in the hospital bed that cold night over a year ago, i thought that we were in a movie. this is just a scene in a movie, life will be back to normal soon. i think i honestly thought he'd be back by now. i was fooling myself, thinking this was just a phase, it will pass - life will be back to how it was, how it was supposed to be, soon... well, now that a year has passed, i think my mind and heart are beginning to realize that this is not a movie, or if it is, i guessed the ending wrong, and it is much longer than i had thought. you know how some movies have the option of an alternate ending? i wish i could chose that right now. i wonder what that ending would be like. would we be planning our second child? would we have a new garage door? would i have so many body aches? i'm pretty sure that i will never find another man that loved me like joe did. i know i have shared about our love a lot .. but, i have been thinking about it a lot lately. i have a lot of flaws, and my family is a huge part of my life and we are always together, and i know not every spouse enjoys or even tolerates that... joe, well, he was right there alongside of me. he loved me in spite of my flaws, and i could totally be myself around him, and he loved me. and he was cute! and he was so much like my dad - he knew everything. he knew how to do everything. he knew how to fix anything. he knew how to make anything work. i am so lost. i am so sad. i have no motivation. djoe is lucky she gets her diaper changed half the time. maybe i am just having a rough day. my house is a disaster. if you ever come here, please don't judge me. i am depressed. i am a widowed single mother without her own dad. i'd rather buy new clothes or dishes than clean the ones i have. that isn't how i want to be. i have the best intentions, visions of a clean, organized house. not shit everywhere. but, frankly, i see no point right now. well, i do, i mean, i want djoe to grow up in a not-chaotic house, but, well, i just don't know. .. like i said, i have great intentions, it is just the follow through. i have always been like this, but it is so so much worse now. my dad isn't here to tell me i should keep my vehicle clean. joe isn't here wanting a clean house. i'm not ready for help yet though, and i don't know when i will be. if you ask if you can help, i will probably say no. if you do something without asking i might be annoyed or thankful, depending on the day.
i'm not asking you to feel sorry for me, this is more like a diary entry. an entry most people wouldn't let anyone else read. me; however, well, maybe it is a cry for help. i see a doctor regularly regarding my depression, anxiety, and other issues- we are working on meds and natural remedies (like exercise. i want to exercise! i have videos waiting to be popped into the dvd player- but motivation, nope, don't have that yet.)... and i am also going to celebrate recovery as often as life allows, but it is my day to day happenings that are the hardest. and when i'm at work it is like i am a different person. i can just think about work and get things done. but when i walk out the doors, toward the jeep, knowing it is just me and my baby, reality hits - very hard. i honestly can't believe i have been breastfeeding djoe for over 8 months. besides a job and my relationship with joe, i'm not sure there is much that i have done for that long. it is starting to get hard though, coordinating work and pumping, making sure she has enough milk for while i'm at work... but i just want to make it until May... less than 4 months.
the difference between my posts as of late and my earlier posts are the involvement of God. that is what I am missing also. I need God and exercise - those are the two prescriptions that would help me the most. i just get in such a stinkin' rut sometimes. i think it is definitely this season..
on the other hand, i have, seriously, THE happiest baby EVER> which helps, and i feel guilty, it should help more - how can she not be all the motivation i need? am i a bad mom?
besides missing joe so much, i miss being in an intimate relationship. and i want to be in one bad. but as soon as i picture myself with a man on a date (weird, a date?!) i get an upset stomach... so i know i'm nowhere near being ready for a relationship, but i ache for one. i ache for joe. to have the two most important men snatched from me in an instant less than a year apart... that makes me ache. maybe that is why my body aches. i had my teeth cleaned yesterday, and when i tried to get up after laying there for that time, i was so stiff, it hurt to get up. yuck. i need warm temps so i can go outside and walk. or i need a free gym membership. and i need a new vehicle. the heat doesn't work very good in the jeep, and djoe is going to need the next stage of carseat soon, which is one that stays in the car, facing the back - that will be awfully hard to get her in and out of in a two door jeep with a slight lift.
after swimming lessons tomorrow we are heading to eau claire for some gillett family fun. i'm both excited and nervous - it will be fun, but also overwhelming. being around joe's family is a reality kick to the heart. but, we will be there.
Monday, January 21, 2013
overamonth
wow, i cannot believe it has been over a month since i posted! i thought that once my paper was done i would have more time to blog! i guess i have been filling up that time with other things...
i have so much to update you on, but today is just a post to say that that will soon happen!
here is a smilemaker for you while you are waiting!
i have so much to update you on, but today is just a post to say that that will soon happen!
here is a smilemaker for you while you are waiting!
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