desktop

so my desktop background has been this since i got this computer (a few months):

today, i just changed it to this:

I could stare at this picture and cry all day... is that healthy or not?  I'm thinking - should I really subject myself to that, getting sad each time I turn my computer on?  I love looking at his handsome face, but is it just too much to put myself through?  Maybe I should wait until a time that I can look at it and just smile, instead of cry?  Will that ever happen?  Or maybe seeing his face each time I turn my computer on will help me heal?  Or will it make me think, again, that he is just on a long vacation?  A military family I know from high school just got reunited after 7 months... I know how she felt with not seeing her husband for 7 months, and I sure wish that I could see mine.  Growing up without her daddy is going to be hard for DakotaJoe, just like it has been and will be hard for me without my dad - and there will be tough times, but I will pray to my loving Father to guard our hearts and surround us by others that will lift us up.  I hope I can do a good job at letting her know how much her daddy loved her and wanted her - I feel like that is the hardest job one could ever have.  There will be so many questions...  She has a super grandpa and many uncles and cousins that will be great male role models in her life, but I can't help but be sad for both of them... that she never got to meet her daddy who loved her so much while she was just a sweet pea in my womb and he never got to meet the daughter he was so excited for and loved so much.  I have made some progress in my healing and recovery, I still miss him so much, but I'm not as lonely as I was, or longing for companionship.  When I see the date - August 23, 2012 - it has been over 7 months since I saw him, a longer period of time than we were actually married.. I can't believe it has been this long.  I still miss him just as much as I did in the first month.  I dreamt about him again last night, it was a great dream - I just wish it would have been real.

Psalm 68:5 says, God is a Father to the fatherless and a defender of widows.

Here is our little beauty, 3 months old! 

P.S.
Yesterday involved two up-her-back poops - one which even got on my shirt, pants, and the floor of the bathroom I was changing her in!

poop

well, little miss DakotaJoe is pooping more often now - and it stinks!
the days of having a baby with stinkless poop are over!
we are so in love and miss daddy and grandpa so much... she didn't even know them and still, already, misses them!  She is such a sweetheart... if you haven't met her yet, you are really missing out!
Next Sunday we will be walking in the Goodview Days parade with the Celebrate Recovery float (as long as I'm not in too much pain from getting wisdom teeth out on Thursday)... and the following Sunday I will be publicly presenting DJoe to the Lord and committing to be a godly parent, as the Bible teaches that parents have the primary responsibility to nurture the faith of their children.  The 30th would be Joe's 29th birthday, and I plan to do something special at the cemetery that day, let me know if you would like to join us.
This picture shows my new favorite past-time... taken from my webcam, so not the greatest quality.

Tomorrow marks seven months since Joe has been gone.  i have now been a widow longer than i was a wife... I miss him just as much as I did back then, and my broken heart still aches as God is repairing it back together.

One piece of today's discussion in church was on what it means to truly be Jesus' disciple... A true disciple is obedient to Jesus' teaching - that obedience leads to knowledge, which leads to freedom.
I'm working on this, working on being freed from my loneliness, sadness, and despair.

Proverbs 24:14 
Know that wisdom is such to your soul; if you find it, there will be a future, and your hope will not be cut off.

the steak.

well, i finally threw the steak away that has been in my freezer for 7 months... i couldn't throw away the ice cream though.. it is weird- it is just ice cream, and i haven't had any in the last 7 months, and i'm not sure if i will in the next 7, but it was his... you might understand, you might not - but i'm keeping it. 
our wedding night ... looking at our faces makes me so sad but so happy at the same time... it has been a while since i smiled like that. i miss you joe and i will love you forever...

saturday night was a good friend from high school's bachelorette party - first time out since pre-pregnancy.  my wonderful mother had djoe overnight, and they had a great time together. 
 i sang for the first time in 7 months - 7 months from tonight actually ... 1/6/12  this was my wonderful audience... i actually made it through "What's Up" by the 4NonBlondes - a song that holds memories of both my dad and joe... i think i made them smile.

 after 7 months of not seeing some of the best friends i have ever known, i was bound and determined to make my way to buffalo city.  after the bachelorette party, some of the ladies had to head that way anyways, so i had a ride. 
 they were [almost] all there ... only two were missing. it was a great night of catching up - so great to see them.  most of them welcomed my appearance, but there is one that i don't think can handle seeing me yet - it is too hard for him.  it was hard to see them all but it was something i felt i had to do.  i felt very safe, back at 'home' for a night with my brothers.
  i did lose half of my hand pump and have chigger bites from the knees down, but it was a great time.  amazing time with all the ladies and a great time with the guys.
  (i wish i had a picture of me and the guys, but my camera stayed in my purse while i was there - weird!)

DakotaJoe is an amazing little lady.  She is laying next to me right now jibber-jabbering away.  We are about done for the night, ready for a six hour sleep {hopefully}!  She can hold her head up and is smiling and 'talking' more and more each day.  She has the most beautiful eyes.  Soon I will post baby pictures of both of us.. She looks exactly like Joe, but there is a little bit of me in her too.  I couldn't possibly care less if she looked a bit like me - as long as she looks like her daddy!!

when i am weak, i am strong:
2 Corinthians 12: 9-10
"'My grace is enough for you.  When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you.'  So I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses.  Then Christ's power can live in me.  For this reason I am happy when I have weaknesses, insults, hard times, sufferings, and all kinds of troubles for Christ.  Because when I am weak, then I am truly strong."

why i believe:
Philippians 1:6
"And I am sure that God who began the good work within you will keep right on helping you grow in his grace until his task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns."

the golden rule - did you know it came from God?:
Luke 6:31
"Treat others as you want them to treat you."

why i do my best to forgive:
Colossians 3:13
"Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges.  Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others."

how i get my strength:
Romans 8:31
"So what should we say about this?  If God is with us, no one can defeat us."

Lots going on this month, well, and the next two, and i guess the next two also...
This month we have auntie Steph's birthday, uncle Jake's birthday, our final shower, DJoe's Dedication, Joe's birthday (I'm planning to do something special), oh yeah - and I am getting my wisdom teeth pulled - AAAHH!
Next month we have a little friend's 1st birthday, the Out of the Darkness suicide prevention walk, my sister's wedding shower weekend, auntie Peggy's birthday, and I just found out about a suicide prevention 5K in winona too - so that might be added to the list!
October will mark the 30th anniversary of my birth, celebrating with an 80's themed party!  It is also uncle Bobby's birthday, Grandpa Gerry's birthday, Great Grandma Mary (J)'s birthday, Peg & Jake's wedding, DJoe's first Halloween, and we will also hold another memorial ride for my dad.
phew!! then it will be time for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's! Before I know it, the little jomanda will be one year old!

wow - this is an amazing feeling - so my little girl is laying here next to me... staring at me ... i look down, smile, say "hi" and i get the biggest, most beautiful smile back.  you are missing out!