9 days old

COURAGE FROM JESUS

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:5
Today I will walk in the power of the living Lord and not in my own strength or courage.
Lord, help me realize that You are my sufficiency. Without You, I can do nothing.

Well hello there, it has been one week since I have written... It has been the most miraculous week of my life! Some of you are wondering how labor and delivery went, so I will tell you that it was not what I was planning, but I knew that I had to be flexible in 'planning,' especially since the end result was the same, getting to meet my Sweet Pea! On Monday, May 14th I had a doctor appointment, and they were concerned with my blood pressure being high, so they did a blood test, which came back normal... Fast forward to Thursday, May 17th I had another appointment at 3:00, blood pressure still high... The end result of this appointment? "Come back at 6:00 and we will get this started!" So, I was admitted around 6, and was given a pill vaginally to begin to 'ripen' my cervix, since I hadn't made any progress... My midwife came back in a few hours to give me an additional dose, but I was starting to have [very small] contractions, so she couldn't. It was decided to start me on pitocin in the morning around 8:00. My doula came around that time too. The contractions started shortly after, and the pain got progressively worse. Around 1:00, they broke my water... That was interesting, I always thought when your 'water broke' it was just one big gush - nope, every time you move after that, a little more comes out! My mom, sister Cindy, and doula used many different techniques to distract and comfort me. By about 4:30, nothing could comfort or distract me anymore, so I asked for an epidural. This was a scary few moments, I had to sit completely still - at one point I got a little dizzy and moved slightly, and the anesthesiologist said, "don't move, don't move, don't move!" so that was scary! The epidural didn't take long to kick in, and I was able to relax - even doze off a bit. It wasn't as freaky as I thought it was going to be - I was nervous to 'not be able to feel my legs' - but I could feel my legs, it was just that they were super heavy and I couldn't really move them on my own. Fast forward now to 9:30 - "You are starting to have a contraction - push!" That's right, I couldn't feel a thing - wonderful! For the next hour and 53 minutes, I was told when I was contracting and when to push. The only time I could feel something was when Sweet Pea was just about to come out - lots of pressure (and before that moment I could never tell the difference between pain and pressure - but now I can) as she took up space that wasn't used to being taken up. She came out, Ron & Joette came in, Ron cut the cord, and she was checked over thoroughly because she had pooped before she was born, which can cause some problems... but all was well! We left the hospital around 2:00 on Sunday!

So now she is [almost] 9 days old - We are learning how to work with each other, getting nursing figured out, and napping at the same time. Today I got a book from a friend at church about the original feed-wake-sleep cycle - I'm excited to dive into it and make sure I'm doing the best I can at nurturing my newborn. We have this amazing bond and I have a hard time putting her down - she is such a sweet snuggler!

Her name is extremely special - a combination of many different important people.
Dakota - this is a name that Joe and I discussed before we new she was a girl - he loved it. If you knew Joe at all, you know why he loved this name...
Joe - obviously, her daddy's name - And I know that usually, a girl is Jo, but I wanted to give her Joe for more meaning.
Gerilaine = Gerry + Elaine - Gerry was my dad's name. Elaine is my mom's middle name and was also his Grandma Gillett's middle name.
Before January 13th, her name was going to be Geri Elaine - but after losing Joe, I had to make some changes...

Today we spent the afternoon at Joe's parents house, visiting with them, and Joe's brother Kevin, sister-in-law Cari, and nieces Katie & Maddie. It was a very nice afternoon, was great to spend time with them - if only I could get there via a route that didn't go past the accident site and the many places that Joe and I spent time together since 2006... This was a tough weekend too, because it is the kick-off weekend for the summer river season. The boat landing parking lot was packed - I wonder, if he were still here, what we would have done this weekend... On the way to Buffalo City today, I was barely into Wisconsin and I felt like turning back. I was exhausted and not looking forward to the drive - and then I remembered who is always at my side waiting for me to call out to Him. I started praying and just talking to God. Soon, I felt much better. I regained the energy I needed for the afternoon, and cried the tears I needed to cry instead of holding them in. I am so thankful for the amazing strength and hope that I get from God. My trials have been extreme, I now have the best gift I could have ever been given, and I know that God has more blessings promised for both my future and my daughter's future.

I shared this picture early on in the blog, but I just love it so much I had to share it again. He was so handsome... We had such an amazing love. I wear this adidas zip up all the time, and have the 'impossible' adidas muscle shirt in the dresser. He was an amazing man, and I miss him like, well, it is indescribable.........

Here is our baby, getting ready to head home from the hospital. As her sleeper says, she is truly 50% mom + 50% dad - overall, she looks just like he did as a baby, but she has some of my features too.

love

 Our first self portrait.

Look at all that hair!!

5/18/12 11:23 pm

a new chapter has begun.

it has been an emotional ride since thursday at 3, but i now have our daughter with me on this side of the womb. :)

DakotaJoe Gerilaine weighs 9 lbs 1 oz and is 20 inches long and we are both healthy and tired!

Pictures to come soon!

<3

May 17, 2012

Well hello there.

Shhhh... don't tell anyone, but I am writing to you from inside room 200 at Winona Health. 

My blood pressure was still high today, so my midwife wanted to admit me and get things started.  My cervix hadn't progressed beyond a 1, so I was given something to help me 'ripen' it... I hope it works, I will check back in tomorrow!

3 days

Halloween 2011 - our first (and only together) Halloween at our house!  Now, all you can see of Joe is his foot, but we finally carved pumpkins - I think every year we said we were going to but never did.  We bought them but never got to carving, I'm sure glad we did this time.  I tried to get too complicated with carving 'boo', while he did a traditional face, which looked so much better.  He was better than me at most things.  Hopefully our daughter gets that from him!  This was also the first time that we handed out candy, another 'milestone' I'm glad we got to do together.  lu & mu joe.
Sweet Pea isn't giving me any signals that she is getting ready to come out yet, but I hear that it can happen quickly - from nothing to something and then more and more when you are not expecting it.  I have plans for my due date (a baby shower, ironically enough) and for Sunday.  If nothing happens over the weekend, I'm going to get come accupressure points pressurized hopefully Monday, which could help the contractions come.  I will also walk and walk hard to try to get them to come on.  I haven't done much activity thus far, and especially now, I want to be as rested as possible, but I think I'd like to do some heavy walking so I can see my baby sooner.  I have an appointment with my midwife tomorrow, I hope something has happened!

Jesus Calling from the 14th:

I am a mighty God. Nothing is too difficult for Me.  I have chosen to use weak ones like you to accomplish My purposes.  Your weakness is designed to open you up to My Power.  Therefore, do not fear your limitations or measure the day's demands against your strength.  What I require of you is to stay connected to Me, living in trusting dependence on My limitless resources.  When you face unexpected demands, there is no need to panic.  Remember that I am with you.  Talk with Me, and listen while I talk you through each challenging situation.

I am not a careless God.  When I allow difficulties to come into your life, I equip you fully to handle them.  Relax in My Presence, trusting My Strength.

Luke 1:37
For nothing is impossible with God.

2 Corinthians 12:9
Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

I am very weak and so thankful that I have such a mighty God.  His power and strength are working wonders in my healing and recovery... As well as my thoughts surrounding labor and delivery. 

How do you handle unexpected demands and difficulties in your life?

4 days

a passionate kiss on our wedding night.

mu & lu sooooooooo much joe

so last night was my breast-feeding class.  as i walked out of the hospital, i mistakenly let a couple walk out in front of me - bad idea.  as they grasped hands and walked hand in hand to their vehicle, tears streamed down my face.  deep breath...

the class itself was fine though.

there was a little scare at my appointment yesterday, as the doctor had reason to believe i may be in the early stages of developing preeclampsia - had some blood tests, but they came back normal.  i have another appointment on thursday - i hope i have some progress by then, i am ready to start this labor process and get to being a momma!

Jesus Calling devotional for today:
Spending time alone with Me is essential for your well-being.  It is not a luxury or an option; it is a necessity.  Therefore, do not feel guilty about taking time to be with Me.  Remember that Satan is the accuser of believers.  He delights in heaping guilt feelings upon you, especially when you are enjoying My Presence.  When you feel Satan's arrows of accusation, you are probably on the right track.  Use your shield of faith to protect yourself from him.  Talk with Me about what you are experiencing, and ask Me to show you the way forward.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.  Come near to me, and I will come near to you.

Ephesians 6:16
In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.

James 4:7-8
So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.  Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world.

Psalm 127:3

Children are a gift from the Lord;
they are a reward from him.

Father, thank you for placing a child in my womb.  You didn't have to give me a baby; You just chose to bless me.  Please forgive me for grumbling and complaining.  May I delight in this call on my life, and remember that all the changes in my body are working towards a much greater good - supporting the life of my baby.  What a small price to pay for such a tremendous gift!

Amen.

(from Expecting Joy)

5 days

another wedding day photo... the greatest day of my life this far.  dang he was handsome, i loved when he did that crooked smile... our baby is due in 5 days and i never would have thought i'd be going into this without him.  we were so ready to have a baby, now i have to be so ready to have a baby.  it is going to be hard playing roles of both mommy and daddy, but i have a lot of support.

an amazing attribute of God is how he allows us to 'be made right with him' - how we can become on of His children... we don't have to do works, climb a mountain, or go to a class... all we have to do is believe and have faith in Jesus Christ.

Romans 3:21 & 22
But now God has shown us a way to be made right with him without keeping the requirements of the law, as was promised in the writings of Moses and the prophets long ago. We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are.

breast feeding, on the other hand, i may need a class for that - and i am off to it!

Mother's Day

wedding dance, nuf said.
today marks four months since i lost my love and it is also six days from the due date of our baby.
i'm getting nervous for the hours of labor, and the single parenting, but i am excited to be a mother.

Today in church we learned about three types of mothers -
Mothers who budge.
Mark 10:13-16
One day some parents brought their children to Jesus so he could touch and bless them. But the disciples scolded the parents for bothering him.
When Jesus saw what was happening, he was angry with his disciples. He said to them, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.” Then he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them.
I will strive to do whatever it takes to get my daughter around Jesus and be immersed in a life living for the Lord.

Mothers who pray.
Matthew 20:20-21
Then the mother of James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came to Jesus with her sons. She knelt respectfully to ask a favor. “What is your request?” he asked.
She replied, “In your Kingdom, please let my two sons sit in places of honor next to you, one on your right and the other on your left.”
James 5:16
Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.
I will boldly pray to Jesus about and for my daughter.

Mothers who remember.
Romans 16:13
Greet Rufus, whom the Lord picked out to be his very own; and also his dear mother, who has been a mother to me.
I will remember what the Lord has done for me and my daughter, and her father.  I will share these with her and others.

I am sure that many of you have heard the 'love' verses in 1 Corinthians - recited at many weddings.  Today Pastor Chad put a good thought into our heads, exchange the word 'love' with 'Jesus'> which is truly what it means anyways - none of us can love like this.. like He loves.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Jesus is patient, Jesus is kind. He does not envy, He does not boast, He is not proud.  He does not dishonor others, He is not self-seeking,  He is not easily angered,  He keeps no record of wrongs.  Jesus does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

micah

August 4, 2007  .   Heather & Pete Hovey's wedding

Here we had been together just a little over a year.  Joe looks so young, still a little punk - haha... I guess, he was almost 24, and I almost 25... It was over 4 years ago, so it makes sense that he looks young.  This is one of the things that makes me angry with my life situation is seeing how much he had grown up from when we met until his final day.  I can see it in his face and I saw it in his actions... He got married, bought a house, and was about to have a baby... Those are some big milestones.  I'm glad I got to experience them with him, but it makes it all the more painful that he had changed so much, for the better, and was strating a family - ready to really change his life.  But, as I have said before, it was all part of God's plan - I don't know why and am not going to try to figure out why... All I know is that I know who I have to rely on and put my hope and trust in. 

Micah 7:7

As for me, I look to the Lord for help.
I wait confidently for God to save me,
and my God will certainly hear me.

I got to witness a new friend make a public statement of his faith in baptism this afternoon, that was pretty amazing.  The above verse is one that he shared as being very meaningful to him.  I, too, think it is great and describes how I need to live (and I'm trying).

At last, my baby is ready for the world.  She is better looking than ever, now that her facial features are fully formed, her eyes are open, and her ears stick out from her head (could be good or bad - ha!).  She may have a full head of hair; however, even though both Joe and I have dark hair, she may come out with lighter than light peach fuzz - we will just wait and see.  Her body has grown to catch up with her head (phew!).  Only one week until the estimated due date - God will bring her when He knows we are both good and ready! :-)  I am sincerely not looking forward to labor and delivery, but I cannot wait to hold her!

violated

October 2011  .  Lakeview Drive Inn  .  Memorial Ride for Dad

We took our first annual (maybe we will have more, not sure? .. and maybe now for dad and Joe) memorial ride - classic car cruise from the Lakeview in Winona to Rudy's in LaCrosse.  This was a fun trip with the three of us sitting in a bucket seat truck.  Joe did his best to make sure Andrea didn't feel violated when he was shifting.  The blanket she sat on is still in there. 

This is actually getting a little harder - but I have heard that things get harder before they get easier... Like this one time, when I was little and had a bad ear infection... My dad took me to the doctor and I got a wick put in, which throbbed for a long time.  He said it would hurt real bad for a while before it got better... and it did, eventually, get better.  I think it is just going to get less hard - it will always be hard, but not always as hard...

For sure when I have my baby I will go down to posting once or twice a week instead of daily.

39 weeks - yowch.... I'm looking forward to meeting her but not going through the work of her getting out... It will be so worth it, I know - but you know, fear of the unknown - right?  I'm going to make some scripture cards to get me through tough times... I'll share with you so you can be saying them with me (if you know when i go in that is ... )  I'm going to try to use memorization and reciting as attempts of distraction, plus they are great words.

I'm sure I have shared these before because they are my favorite, but, well, now you get them again !:)

Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.

I have also been trying to work on memorizing the 8 Celebrate Recovery principles and their beatitudes, they are super - read them, take them in, think about them in accordance with your life.

1. Realize I am not God; I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven." ~ Matthew 5:3

2. Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him and that He has the power to help me recover.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." ~ Matthew 5:4

3. Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ's care and control.

"Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." ~ Matthew 5:5

4. Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." ~ Matthew 5:8

5. Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." ~ Matthew 5:6

6. Evaluate all my relationships.  Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for harm I've done to others, except when to do so would harm them or others.

"Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy." ~ Matthew 5:7
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called Sons of God." ~ Matthew 5:9

7. Reserve a daily time with God for self-examination, Bible reading and prayer in order to know God and His will for my life and to gain the power to follow His will.

(Blessed are those who Celebrate Recovery!)

8. Yield myself to God to be used to bring this good news to others, both by my example and by my words.

"Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven." ~ Matthew 5:10



Baby's now the size of a watermelon!Baby's brain is still developing rapidly, and her skin has taken on a paler shade thanks to a thicker layer of fat around the blood vessels. (Don't worry; she'll change color again soon after birth.) She's now able to flex her limbs, and her nails might extend past his fingertips.

rescheduled

August 2011 > Bowman's garage > Wyatt's bicycle

I look at this picture and fall in love all over again... those legs (I loved his knees), those feet (he had amazing toes), those arms, those hands, that face, that hair, that heart............. I wish he didn't have a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other, but that is how most of his friends probably remember him the most.  I was supposed to meet with one of the doctors today, but when I got there the receptionist had an, 'oh i'm so sorry i have to tell you this' look on her face - the doctor had gotten called to the hospital for births, and he was the only one in - and there is no one in tomorrow, so we are rescheduled for Monday.  We did, though, get to see a great nurse.  We talked, she checked my blood pressure (fine) and urine (fine) and listened to Sweet Pea's heart beat (great).  So, I don't know if I have done any thinning or dialating, but we will see on Monday (unless, of course, she doesn't want to wait out the weekend:)).  Tomorrow I am having the first prenatal visit with my doula, I'm looking forward to that.  I chose to work with her because I think I'm going to need as much support as possible - this is going to be such a bittersweet time.  lu & mu joe

Another Biblical lesson on parenting (in fact, Cindy included this in her devotional for me at my shower):
Deuteronomy 6:5-7
And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up.

training

Here is another picture from a disposable camera at Steph's wedding.  This is unflattering for both of us - I think we are squinting from the flash? - but I love it - I'm sitting on his lap - or wait, maybe that is why he is wincing - ha!  I miss him so much... I miss his companionship.  I just miss being with him.  We had so many great times, I've been thinking a lot about mini vacations lately - when I hear that friends are going to the Dells for the weekend, spent the night in the cities, or whatever - I can't help but be sad... lu & mu joe

The biggest thing I am looking forward to in parenting is sharing Jesus with my daughter, and showing her God's love... I get an email, "Standing Strong in the Storm" and the messages from both yesterday and today were about parenting...

…do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4

This is going to be a big job...

“It sometimes amazes me how we find it suitable to counsel our children regarding the costs involved in buying a new bicycle or starting a new hobby but we never sit down and discuss the cost of following Jesus. We need to train our children in no uncertain terms that being ridiculed at school, being rejected and facing mockery, is part and parcel of being a Christian. It comes in as a package and you cannot have the one without the other. We need to train our children to sacrifice; we need to train our children to count the cost; we need to train our children that they do not belong to themselves."

“But, once again, if we as parents cannot testify through our lives by being examples of living sacrifices, our teachings will be futile. When was the last time you were ridiculed for the name of Jesus? When was the last time you sacrificed your time and money to work among the lost? When was the last time you sacrificed anything to visit the persecuted church?”

posed

i love these totally non-posed pictures.  clearly this one isn't posed, this is just how we were.  this is from one of the disposable cameras at Steph & Frank's wedding - someone caught us in one of our many moments.

as i work on healing and recovering, there are verses that really strike a chord with me. 

some of them are:

Philippians 4:19
And it is he who will supply all your needs from his riches in glory, because of what Christ Jesus has done for us.

Matthew 28:20
Jesus says, “I am with you always.”

Joshua 1:9
“Yes, be bold and strong!  Banish fear and doubt!  For remember, the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

1 Peter 5:7
“Let him have all your worries and cares, for he is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you.”

Ephesians 4:31
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.”

Isaiah 41:10
“Fear not, for I am with you.  Do not be dismayed.  I am your God.  I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.”

I'm so glad that I have God in my life - I would really be going crazy if I didn't. 

lies

Here we are with all of the little ones.. They always gravitated towards Joe, he was more exciting than me.  I'm excited to get baby pictures of both of us out to compare our little Sweet Pea to - and to hang pictures of us as babies in her room, along with one of her.  I can't wait to see her face - I truly hope she looks more like him than me.

1 Peter 3:10

For the Scriptures say, “If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies."

belly shots by andrea

pedicures

another rough day.
earlier on my journey when i would see couples being sweet to each other i was able to smile because i did have that, and knew what it felt like.
now it seems i am seeing more and more young couples with little babies - or even worse, just a man and his daughter. 
the pregnancy hormones don't let me hold my tears back anymore at all.
i need him.
i need him to hold me.
i need him to laugh with.
i need him to stabilize my emotions.
i need him to bounce ideas off of.
i need him to snuggle with.
i need him to rub my back.
i need him to help me control my eating.
i need him to vent to.
i need him to be happy about our baby with.
i need him to kiss my forehead.
heck, i even need him to wipe boogers on my face (gross, right? but i miss every little thing.)
i just plain need him.
even with all of these extremely needy feelings that i have, God's healing power is working in me, and i do believe that it will be alright.  as much as i want to sometimes, i will not give up.  Hope is the force that keeps me steady during my trials.  I can never stop hoping - if I do, I know I will have a miserable life.  In fact, of course there have been times when I have lost hope - and I indeed do feel miserable.  I need to expect miracles and expect a good life.
Hebrews 6:18-19
So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary.
this is an early picture of us, he painted my toe nails a few times - now i have to get pedicures.

how about some sweet pea facts?  38th week facts from my week-by-week pregnancy guide:  she is so big that her elbows and knees have to be constantly flexed or folded... her lungs are most likely fully mature... her umbilical cord is between 12 and 39 inches... my favorite passage from this week's info:  "you may be increasingly reluctant to leave the house . . . you may also long to stay near familiar things . . . there's nothing wrong with staying home."  sweet - that's all i want to do is stay home.  now i can say that experts say there is nothing wrong with it!!

anniversaries

August 27, 2011 - Betty Jo's - Karaoke Contest
We were pregnant with our little bambino here and didn't even know it!  The red eyes are unfortunate, but here I am with two of my special people - Karen and Joe - on the other side of the table was Mom, Cindy, and Jamie.  It is going to take me a lot longer to get back into singing after losing Joe - it took me quite a while after losing my dad, but Joe helped me get back into it - he would sing with me, hold my hand, or at least stand by me... Once in Mankato I tried to sing "What's Up" by 4NonBlondes, which my dad had dubbed our 'family song' - not sure why, so I always sang it for him/us - I didn't make it very far before I was blubbering - Joe came up and grabbed a second mic and helped me through it.  It is really tough now - When I lost the #1 guy in my life, my dad, I still had Joe there to hold me up - now he is gone too... I feel pretty dang lost sometimes - many times - now that they are both gone.  Yesterday was my parents' anniversary, would have been 44 years.  My cousin Jamie got married yesterday too, pretty exciting.  I think I avoided mentioning my parents anniversary yesterday because our anniversary will be here quicker than you know it too - June 18 - would have been our first anniversary - we didn't even make it one year... who wants to eat the top of my wedding cake with me on that day?  Jamie's reception is the 16th - so I will have something to do that weekend, but it will be bittersweet - so happy for Jamie and Chet, but so sad that my anniversary didn't happen - plus, we were going to have a full reception around that weekend too, since our ceremony was private and we wanted to be able to celebrate with all of our friends... Besides my family, God is helping me out of my lonely times... Of course, I cannot see him sitting here and He can't physically hold me or hug me, but I can definitely feel His presence.  This may seem absurd or unexplainable to you if you don't believe or have a relationship with Christ, but it is so very possible- but, it is also unexplainable... there is no way to explain the love, peace, hope, joy, that I get from God.  I know that he causes everything to work together for good for those that love Him (Romans 8:28), and I know that He has promises and blessing for me and my future.  As long as I stay faithful and keep my eyes set on Him, I know that my life will be abundantly filled by God - the true meaning of the word abundant is actually "more than enough" - so that is pretty dang exciting.  Even just typing this out gives me shivers and I can feel the joy reenter me... I've had a rough few days, and reminding myself of this and filling myself up with God's love can put me back into focus of the future.

One of the many amazing attributes of God is that he is caring, here are two scripture verses describing this:

Psalm 55:16-19, 22
But I will call on God,
and the Lord will rescue me.
Morning, noon, and night
I cry out in my distress,
and the Lord hears my voice.
He ransoms me and keeps me safe
from the battle waged against me,
though many still oppose me.
God, who has ruled forever,
will hear me and humble them.
For my enemies refuse to change their ways;
they do not fear God.
Give your burdens to the Lord,
and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.

Psalm 107:13-15
“Lord, help!” they cried in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.
He led them from the darkness and deepest gloom;
he snapped their chains.
Let them praise the Lord for his great love
and for the wonderful things he has done for them.

Pretty amazing, right?  When I call on God, He rescues me - morning, noon, and night.  When I give my burdens to God, He takes care of me.  When I cry to Him in my trouble, He saves me from my distress - leading me out of my deepest darkest gloom - and I praise Him for the great love He gives and for what He has done for me.  I say "when" because of course I am not perfect, and I do fall into mini pity parties now and then, but I feel like crap afterwards and feel so much better when I give it all to God for Him to take care of for me.  You can have this too - You can pray a simple prayer to let Jesus into your heart and decide to change your life and live for Him - ask questions - I or any Christian you know would be very happy to help you with any questions you have.  If you need and want Jesus in your life, you can pray this simple prayer:
Dear God,  I know that I am a sinner and need forgiveness. I believe that Jesus Christ shed His precious blood and died for my sin. I am willing to turn from sin. I invite Christ into my heart and life as my personal Saviour.  Amen
After you pray this prayer, you need to find someone who can help you dig deeper into this - God made us human and gave us emotions so we can form friendships and fellowship with each other - it is our duty to disciple each other.  Many churches have programs for this, I am sure; however, the only one I know of for sure is at Pleasant Valley.  We have a program for helping one another in this process.  You can get paired with someone who is pretty mature in their walk with Christ and they can take you through a Bible Study to help you become more mature, and then you would do the same with another new Christian!  Let me know if you need more details, I would be more than happy to help.

jonah

I'm getting my first big wave of emotion - I know that it is going to come in waves, i'll feel pretty good for a while and then have a horrible day or two, or perhaps a week.  i say first, but i know that in the past i could go for a week and have a horrible day and then repeat that cycle - well i've been 'okay' for maybe a few weeks now, but tonight is the first time i am actually having a hard time looking at pictures - it is so very painful at this moment.  this wave was probably brought on by my receiving the accident report.  i read it yesterday in what must have been a state of total numbness - i didn't even cry.  but the more the words from the papers flowed through my mind over and over, it is now making my eyes sting and feel dried out.  it is just like repeating jan 13 all over again.  the 2nd worst day of my life.  it is also much worse and harder when i don't fill myself up with God's love, which I only did a little bit during my morning prayer time (after which I went back to bed for about 3 hours).  this is all just so unbelievable to me and becoming more real each day.  i am okay waiting for God to bring my baby into this world when both she and I are completely ready, but man do i need the next part of my life to start.  i'm so sad but i'm not the kind of person that gets sad and calls on people to come hold me - not yet anyways.  i'd rather cry on my own - i feel like i am with God, Joe, and my dad when I am alone.  plus, I am still stuck in the "if I can't have Joe, I don't want anyone" time of my life... I mean, that is what happens when you let someone become your everything... he was my everything, and sometimes when I am in my lowest of lows I feel like I have nothing... and I don't want people to feel sorry for me or feel like they need to come to my side - i will probably push them away.  no hug is comparable to a joe hug.  no kiss is comparable to a joe kiss.  no smile is comparable to a joe smile.  no car ride is comparable to a car ride with joe.  no dinner is comparable to a dinner with joe.  no grocery shopping trip is comparable to a grocery shopping trip with joe.  since i can't have him, i'd rather do it myself now.  it is going to take a while for me to get out of this, so please be patient with me. i sure hope he knew how i felt, that i felt this way about him.  i'm pretty sure he did... on my way home tonight i heard a new song - yet another that seems to fit my life perfectly...  I'm currently stuck in the beginning of the song, but I know that the ending of the song will come true again soon.

Lay it Down
by Jaci Velasquez
I've been looking till my eyes are tired of looking
Listening till my ears are numb from listening
Praying till my knees are sore from kneeling
On the bedroom floor

I know that You know that my heart is aching
I'm running out of tears and my will is breaking
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore

All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are slowly slipping through my folded hands

So I'm gonna lay it down, I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up, I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go, I'm gonna lay it down

I've been walking through this world like I'm barely living
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been digging
But you're pulling me out and I'm finally breathing
In the open air

This room may be dark but I'm finally seeing
There's a new ray of hope and now I'm believing
That the past is the past and the future's beginning
To look brighter now

'Cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

So I'm gonna lay it down, I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up, Your love, Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go, I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down, I'm gonna lay it down

This morning we read the book of Jonah.  I have known the story but never actually read it out of the Bible...  I feel a little like Jonah did
Jonah 2: 5-9
“I sank beneath the waves,
and the waters closed over me.
Seaweed wrapped itself around my head.
I sank down to the very roots of the mountains.
I was imprisoned in the earth,
whose gates lock shut forever.
But you, O Lord my God,
snatched me from the jaws of death!
As my life was slipping away,
I remembered the Lord.
And my earnest prayer went out to you
in your holy Temple.
Those who worship false gods
turn their backs on all God’s mercies.
But I will offer sacrifices to you with songs of praise,
and I will fulfill all my vows.
For my salvation comes from the Lord alone.”
Sometimes I hated doing the same thing weekend after weekend  -  it was getting old.  going out on the river to drink all day and then going to the bar and feeling like crap the next day.  but, looking at us standing side by side here - next to our boat - that he labeled 'lovebirds' on the back - makes me miss it and wish i was going to be doing it every single weekend for the rest of my life.  time for my {safe} sleeping pill and hopefully a restful night of sleep!

i love you and miss you so much Joe  ~  more and more each day.

armor

Ephesians 6:10-18
A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.
Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

Notice there is no protection for our back - we are to continually look and move forward, not go backwards.... something that has been hard for me recently.

I love how his arm is around me with his hand on my shoulder, and looking at this I can feel his face pressing into mine for a sweet sweet kiss. I miss him and his sweet kisses so so much but I can't keep thinking at the same time how very thankful I am that I had the time I did with him and I wouldn't change it for the world.
lu & mu my sweet joe.

50% effaced but still closed - sweet pea is at a -1 position, which means she is only 1 cm up from my pelvis, she is sitting where she will likely be when she starts her descent into this world. next appointment is next Thursday!! :-)

Happy Birthday Wes!

Do you know why this lamb is on His shoulders?  This lamb had wandered off and broke her leg.  The Good Shepherd allowed this to happen so He could carry her on His shoulders while she healed.  This teaches the lamb to stay close to Him, so she will not wander off again.  While she is broken, healing on His shoulders, she is actually at her strongest.  This is true for all of us - when we wander away and end up broken, Jesus carries us on His shoulders until we heal - you may think, "That is going to be a long walk for Him because I am very broken." - No walk is too long for our Great Shepherd.  He will carry us there as long as we need - and when we are there, at our most broken point, while on His shoulders, we are at our strongest.

Isaiah 40:11  He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.

Today is Wesley's 5th birthday.  Joe and Wesley had a special bond.  Joe knew Wes while he was still in the womb - that was always exciting to us, that he was really a true uncle, Wes would know him his entire life.  Well, I'm glad they had the time together that they did.  Wes definitely remembers him, and I am so thankful for that.  Wes has been through a lot already in his 5 years, first losing Grandpa Gerry and then Uncle Joe.  He was close to them both and still talks about them both.  Wes is my knight in shining armor - he always has a huge smile for me, I think he knows I need as many of them as possible.  He was sitting on my lap today while we were trying to figure out how to play his new DS game, and he had his hand on my belly just waiting to feel her move - he is going to be an amazing cousin and may even act like a big brother to her!  i miss u so much joe.

anger

anger.
fighting.
betrayal.
insensitivities.
do these things ever come up in your relationships?  today i had thoughts of rough times that joe and i went through.  nothing of this sort had yet crossed my mind, probably because we never let things get bad, and didn't hold grudges.  i do have some regrets on things i said in the heat of the moment, making me think a lot about how i react to people and situations now - now that the fact that life can be gone in a flash is so real to me.
I have learned about anger from Miriam Neff and her website.
Anger is not sin, it is a normal emotion.  Jesus felt it and God expressed it.  The question is when and how can we appropriately acknowledge it, address its cause, and figure out how to move forward in a positive way.
I am thankful that anger is normal, because this emotion is coming back to me and I'm sure will come in and out of my life for years to come.  I cannot ignore my anger, and I must acknowledge it and determine at whom and why I am angry.  I must resolve to address my anger in a God honoring way as it is stated in Ephesians 4:26:  "And 'don’t sin by letting anger control you.'  Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry."
I must try to not act or speak until I have had time to do the hard personal work of identifying at whom and why I am angry.  I then need to follow the direction of the Ephesians passage and create a God honoring plan to address the problem.
I am currently working on a spiritual inventory through my Celebrate Recovery step group.  I am pulling out the "whom" and "why" of any resentments I have.  With this process I will not allow myself to ignore my anger, I will work on addressing the problems, and I will figure out how to move forward in a positive way.  This is tough.  I have more anger and resentments than I realize - definitely surrounding both the death of my dad and of my husband, but then also in other areas of my life.
I need to remember that 'fair,' 'just,' and 'right' are not guaranteed here on earth - only in Heaven.
Moving forward will include forgiveness - to do this I need to lean heavily into my faith and I will move forward in my new life with freedom.
Two things to help me move forward are displacement and physical exercise.  I need to continually fill my mind with positives and count my blessings instead of fume... I need to use any adrenaline given by anger in physical ways... Like today, I swept my sidewalk - yeah, me, sweep my sidewalk?  I think one thing good for me after the pea is here will be walking and hopefully jogging.  I have this amazing stroller waiting to be used.  Perhaps I will take a kickboxing class - that has always intrigued me.

Here is a picture of us from August of 2010, hanging out at Gladiolus Days.  Joe was very excited because a couple friends from Winona came and he loved it when people came to St. Charles instead of us always having to go to Winona or Buffalo City.  The shirt I am wearing came from Goodwill, Joe picked it out and bought it for me - and I don't even know where it is now.  It is AC/DC I think - Joe loved it because it was tight and showed cleavage.  I only wore it a couple of times, and that is when he begged me to.  Of course I would wear it then - I loved it when he loved looking at me and showing me off.  Of course he did that no matter what I was wearing (lol), but it was easier when I had this shirt on ;-)  lu & mu so much Joe.

I miss him so much and yes, I am angry that he is gone.