do you know who wrote your book?

my new group went really well tonight, it is a really safe place, and i look forward to growing in Christ with these ladies.  something profound that was shared from a Max Lucado book tonight: God sees our life just like how we see a movie after we have already read the book... when we watch a movie after we have read the book, we know what happens next and how & why things change - even more powerful, God wrote our book, so he knows it even better than having just read it.

if i could turn back time

well, it is the last day of this month - i can't believe it. it has been 2 1/2 weeks, and tomorrow i will start my very first whole month without the love of my life... i am so thankful that i got to spend the best years of my life with him, that i have the house we 'built' together, and that i will be having our little girl in 4 short months. those are just some of the things i thank God for each day.  I'm starting a new Bible study tonight, with the Celebrate Recovery group from my church. ... I'm looking forward to meeting new people with common needs and values.  In John 6:29, Jesus tells us, "This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the one he has sent."  This is helpful, knowing that God does not require good works out of me; however, it will help me recover to help others... My mom and I are getting involved in a new ministry at church packing backpacks full of food for needy children at a local elementary school.  This, I look forward to.

Today's picture (sorry if it offends you, but i love it) is from Thanksgiving time, 2007.  We were at Steiny's, and there was no doubt karaoke.  Someone, I don't remember exactly who, caught Joe's act of sweetness on camera.  This was over 4 years ago, and that sweetness he showed in this picture doubled every year.  He always gave me a comforting hand, whether it be on my cheek, shoulder, back, around my waist, or interlocked with my hand... oh, how i miss his loving hands.  if i was ever nervous or having the slightest bit of anxiety, his hand would always comfort me - just putting it on my leg or back instantly brought down my blood pressure... and we would always be holding hands, even if we were just laying on the couch together.

adjustment....

that's really what this is, right? although, probably the worst and longest adjustment I will ever have in my life.  I was so nervous, always, about snowmobiling... but i never thought anything would actually happen.  i am getting hit really hard now, this being the second night at our house.  the easiest way to say it is that I am just sick of this - I want him back so bad... everything was so wonderful with our life. and now, gone. at least i have little Sweet Pea. wow, i haven't cried like this in a while. am i actually realizing what is going on? that he isn't coming home? stunned. i wish i could take advil, tylenol really doesn't do the job. things are happening in the lives of people around me, and i keep wanting to call him or run home and tell him.. well, i'm going to eat some leftover chinese, read the good word, and probably go to bed early tonight.

my best friend

John 1:5, 16 "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it." "From his abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another."

This photo is from 10/8/2008 - the world has just lost Krista Meyer, and a bunch of us classmates were spending time together in Cochrane... Joe met up with us after he got off of work.  Looking at this picture I see the genuine happiness in his face - the face I wish would walk around the corner at any minute now... or be laying on the couch for me to snuggle up to.  I was so blessed to have him and now to have a ginormous treasure box full of precious memories... Forever My Love

home sweet home

After spending 16 nights at my mom's, I have been at home since after lunch and am going to start living at home again.  Mom is going to stay to be with me tonight (thank you!).  Today Sweet Pea and I had lunch with Gramma Edith, Gramma Joette, Grampa Ron, Aunt Peggy, and cousins Wes & Madi... We went to Country Kitchen, which is a place Joe and I went to for "something different" once in a while - we went recently after one of our prenatal appointments, and we would spend the time we waited for our food playing that peg game that tells you how smart you are - neither of us ever did very good, but we enjoyed the time together comparing intelligences.

impossible

Isaiah 26:3
"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!"

Today is a picture of my love from July 14, 2007 (obviously).  We had been living together for only a few months, at our first apartment in St. Charles.  This was the morning I left for a conference in Las Vegas - He posed for this picture because I needed to have one of him on my camera to look at during my trip.  He then drove me to the Rochester airport to see me off...He was so handsome, beautiful smile and glistening eyes.

Lately when Sweet Pea moves, I think she is moving at both ends - she is stretching out her legs and her arms - I can feel her on both sides of me! :-)  She is developed enough to have more than a 50% chance of survival if I were to deliver her this early... Seems crazy because I barely feel pregnant!

Madi's Birthday Party

Well, today was the first event to get through without Joe... It was tough, but we made it.  I get tired SO easily though... pregnancy or sadness?
Madi and Joe had a strong bond... when she was little (well, littler than she is now, since she is only 3), she would only sit on his lap.. she definitely liked him better than me ;-)  This picture is from Easter 2010.

My comfort today is from Psalm 139, verses 5 & 6: "You go before me and follow me.  You place your hand of blessing on my head.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!"

strength

lately many people have been telling me that I am such a strong, wonderful woman ...

This is not me alone - this strength comes from God.  Imagine - 5 months pregnant and losing your husband (best friend, lover, left arm, lovebird, your everything) of almost 7 months in a tragic accident (10 months after losing your dad to suicide (which was 3 months before your wedding))  .... C'mon people - If I didn't have God I would be a constant puddle of tears unable to get out of bed, unable to eat, unable to care for myself and our child in my womb... heck, I would probably be in the psych ward by now.

So, thank you for noticing the strength - but please know, it is not me.  The strength and peace we get from God is unexplainable, so far beyond our human thoughts and abilities.  I am not saying it is easy, but God makes it easier than it could be.  If you want "some of what I'm having," let me know - I can hook you up.

Whitewater in the Winter

2 John 3: "Grace, mercy, and peace, which come from God the Father and from Jesus Christ - the Son of the Father - will continue to be with us who live in truth and love."

3 John 4: "I could have no greater joy than to hear that my children are following the truth."

almost exactly 3 years ago - 2/16/2009 - we would always squeeze in fun activities every chance we got - this was President's Day, I had the day off, so we traveled down Hwy 74 to Whitewater State Park and hiked up to Chimney Rock.  It was a cold, brisk day, but loving hearts warmed it up.  I'm pretty sure he carved JG + AB somewhere on the trail - I will have to take Sweet Pea there some day.  

Again, so sad and broken that he is gone, but so thankful that God brought us to each other giving us 5 1/2 amazing years and a child together.

is my life over?

no, but it sure does feel like it.... God has plans for me - for you too.  And I'm very glad that his plans included bringing Joe and I together, giving us 5 1/2 absolutely wonderful years together and then giving us a child together.  It really sucks that he is gone, and today's sadness brought on a headache and fatigue - I really miss him.

jumping jacks in the night

Our little Sweet Pea sure is active!  She is most active when I would like to go to bed at night and when I would like to continue sleeping in the morning.  But man, what a blessing to have her.  I can't wait to see her, and I hope she looks just like Joe!  He had such beautiful eyes, which we donated by the way - happy to help others.  Today the kids and I are going to make gingerbread houses - i know, i know - wrong season... it is just something fun to do, and the kit was on sale for only $1.50.  Wesley really is a bed hog though, as I lie in bed typing to you on the sliver of the bed he has left me, but he is the most adorable bed hog I have ever seen. :-)

With that, today I will share a photo of Joe and Wesley... 11/25/2007

Wesley and Joe were buds from day 1 - We cherished that Joe knew Wesley before he was even born, that he was truly an uncle to him.  They formed a unique bond that continued to grow, with most recently Joe giving Wesley a bath when he slept over at our house about a month ago!  Wesley has promised me that he will tell Sweet Pea stories of her daddy.

Today's passages come from 1 Thessalonians chapter 4 verse 11 and chapter 5 verses 16-18.
(4:11) "Make it your goal to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands..."
(5:16-18) "Always be joyful.  Never stop praying.  Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."

I also began reading a new book last night on my phone, and hope to check it out from the library today - it is called "Chasing Rainbows" and is written by Kathleen Long (2011) ... the moral of her book is, "In life, you either choose to sing a rainbow, or you don't.  Keep singing."  I'm going to try!

P.S.- I just got notice that my keys were found! yee-haw! But, I will keep the finder anonymous for his/her sake.............. :-) LOVE YOU!

where does lost chapstick go?

Today's reading comes from 1 John 3:18-20
"Dear children, let's not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.  Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God.  Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything."

I invite you to check out the 2012 Devoted Hearts conference - it was great last year, and will be great again next year - we are blessed to have it so close in Rochester!

Where would you rather be on New Year's Even than the hotel room bathroom holding your girlfriend's hair back? ha - well, that is what happened this NYE - 12/31/08 - we booked a package in Rochester - room, band, and breakfast.  I was stricken with the 24 hour stomach flu to ring in the new year.  We listened to the band for as long as I could handle, but then I would have to find the nearest bathroom - or once, when we were walking back to our room, we had to run outside, I couldn't even make it - as much as it sucked, Joe was sweet & caring through it all......

numb chin, anyone?

Well, today Sweet Pea and I had a lunch date at Wellington's - she enjoyed this much better than Cha Chis...  We are once again mobile, Chrysler called with the Jeep key finished early this morning... We spent some time at home today, just taking care of some business.  She doesn't like it when I ignore her reminders to me that I need to use the bathroom - It is strange how I can "tune out" her jumping on my full bladder when I have other things going on.  Oh yeah, the numb chin - I got a cavity filled today!  Tomorrow I go back to get 2 more filled - sweet!!  Joe would be so proud......

cake & dt dew for breakfast

ok, so I am going to try to start to post a daily picture of Joe & I, telling a little story about it - because every picture has a story :-) and I will also share a daily scripture verse from my morning prayer time.... and so you know, all of my scripture, unless I tell you otherwise, will be from the New Living Translation - it is my favorite.

Today's verses are from 1 Peter, chapter 1 verses 5-7 & 13, and chapter 5 verse 10:
"And through your faith, God is protecting you by his power until you receive this salvation, which is ready to be revealed on the last day for all to see.  So be truly glad.  There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.  These trials will show that your faith is genuine.  It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold - though your faith is far more precious than mere gold.  So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world" ... "So think clearly and exercise self-control.  Look forward to the gracious salvation that will come to you when Jesus Christ is revealed to the world." ... "In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus.  So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation."

Today's picture is from November 2008 - this is how we spent most of our time together, why my heart is completely broken - because we worked different shifts, we only had a couple hours each day that we were awake together - this is what we did - snuggled on the couch.  Now for the funny part - there is a string of about 4 photos from this "shoot" we needed perfection, and this one was as close as we could get - see how our chins are raised? the one before this, we both had 3-4 chins... haha, very fun times.

day 10

Wow - what? this has actually happened?  I am going to bed tonight, for the 11th night, as a widow... a pregnant widow.  me? no, you must have the wrong jomanda...  I miss my love so much it hurts, as if i am missing a part of my body, and I am not sure I have many more tears left in me.  Just a few months ago I would comment on how perfect my life would be if only my dad were still here - married to my best friend, cute little house near family, good job, and already expecting! wow, I was in a fantastic spot.  Now what - my life would be perfect if i still had my dad and my husband? how can this even be possible? far, far from perfect.

this is all God's reminder that our time on Earth is so minimal compared to our eternal life with Him... but man, it sucks right now.

i took care of some business today, including depositing the overwhelming amount of support we have been given - what a blessing, the teller that happened to be open at the time we arrived lost her husband when she was 27 years old (she is probably in her 50's now) and had much compassion and empathy for me, even coming out from behind the counter and giving me a hug... then we had some leisure time downtown and ate at Cha Chis (is that what it is called?) - Sweet Pea didn't like that much, I don't think we will be going back there... then landed back on mom's couch.  I need to go home.  As hard as it is going to be, I need to go home - and, perhaps, it will be comforting to be among Joe's things.  Staying here has been great, don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my mom, but it is just prolonging necessary grieving.  again... is joe just on vacation? will he be there when i get home? no - what a flabbergasting thought.  how could it be?  everything in life was so so so sweet and wonderful. 

if i would have known, would i have done anything different?  the only thing i would have done would be to have answered him "YES" when he asked if i would be mad if he went snowmobiling that day.  but i couldn't, he was so excited... other than that - no, our marriage was wonderful, and we made the most of every moment of every day... and those are the moments i am treasuring so close.

i am doing my best to stay in the moment and not think about the future we were planning - we were working on finishing up our laundry room... trying to get the garage door programmed... prepping for parenthood... i guess the doctor will cut the cord now, when i asked joe if he wanted to, he said "well, of course!"... my mom will be attending my birthing class with me in April, the one Joe and i had chosen to attend just the week before... he had also been reassuring me that whenever i felt like it was 'time' that i could just call him at work and he would be right home - now that is all gone, and i'm a bit confused, but working through the confusion.  strange, i can't even believe i am writing this - is it real?

by the way - if you have been following my lost key 'catastrophe,' I just had my Jeep towed over to Chrysler today so they can order and program me a new one... I'm sure they will turn up somewhere, but then I will have the extra set i should have always had.

tonight's scripture verse: Psalm 68:5 (NLT) "Father to the fatherless, defender of the widows - this is God, whose dwelling is holy."

church

church was amazing today.

I go to PV in Winona, and the current series, which began the week before I lost Joe, is titled "Torn" and is regarding how to make it through the trials we will have in life.

There is no pit so deep that God is unable to get even deeper and pull me out.

two amazing songs today were "Blessings" by Laura Story and "You Never Let Go of Me" by Beth and Matt Redman

Trials are so, so unbelievably difficult - but in 1 Peter 4 & 5, we are given some instructions...
Guard your behaviors, grace your relationships, give away your gifts, and glorify God.
Don't be surprised, rejoice, remember you are blessed, don't be ashamed, examine yourself, entrust yourself to God, humble yourself, cast all your anxiety upon Him, and be sober in spirit and resist the devil.
The bottom line... when you have grown through the trial, God will perfect, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. (1 Peter 5:10)
(Credit to Pastor Rick Iglesias at Pleasant Valley Church).

As hard as it is to go through trials in life, especially tragically losing my husband while pregnant with our child, only 10 months after tragically losing my father... these "instructions" for how to handle trials are very helpful.  If it were not for God and his word I would be a puddle of tears in bed 24/7.  Joe has given me many gifts in our short time together, with the tremendous gift of life, having his child... Spending time with God has helped me remember all of my blessings and things I have to be thankful for.

I am not alone.

my story updated

my first entry was actually written as a note on Facebook on 12/20/2011 - I wanted to use that as my first entry to begin my story.

I will now fill you in with what has happened since then...

We made it through the first Christmas without my dad, and in fact, first really felt our daughter in my tummy on Christmas Eve.  Joe bought me the exact bracelet I wanted for Christmas, and even had it engraved, "Forever My Love", and I got him the impact driver he wanted - As always, he stuffed my stocking with practical, necessary, thoughtful things - superb job.

We rang in the New Year celebrating my sister's marriage.  It was a perfect evening.  We began the new year working on finances together, talking out how we wanted to have our money, separate or together, and working on meal planning so we could have focused grocery shopping.  I also began a new bible study, working on being a Proverbs 31 woman, the woman God wants me to be - which would also turn me in to the wife Joe needed me to be.

On Thursday, January 12, we finally got the snow Joe had been waiting for... Joe asked me if I would be mad if he went snowmobiling after he got off of work that evening (he worked 3rd shift, so this would be at 7 am on Friday).  Of course I wouldn't be mad, and in fact, it was better he go on Friday because we had plans for my sister's birthday on Saturday, so that wouldn't work.

Friday morning, we had our usual sweet morning conversation when he called me after he got off of work and I was on my way to work.  He was stopping at home, going to deposit/cash his pay check, and then head off to go snowmobiling.  That would be our last conversation.  At 3:25 that day, as I was putting my coat on to leave work, my cousin called me telling me she heard Joe was in a snowmobile accident... At this point I didn't know how bad it was.  Finally getting a hold of people that were at the scene, they were discussing flying him to a bigger hospital, which is in the town where I work (an hour and a half from the accident scene).  So, I waited around after work until I heard back... This was extremely difficult. I wanted to head home, and hour trip to the hospital they were going to first take him to, but I didn't want to be on my way and have someone call me and tell me they were flying him to the bigger hospital and then have to turn around.  My sister that works just a few blocks from the hospital went to the hospital to meet the ambulance and to let me know where they were transporting him to.  At 4:35 she called, and said the doctor wanted to talk to me........ I knew what this meant.  In the blink of an eye, I lost the love of my life, my lovebird, the father to our unborn child.

Now for the treacherous drive home to go to the hospital.  Luckily, I have another sister that lives in the town I work in, so she was able to meet with me and wait with me through all of this - she then drove me back home, to the hospital.  My mom, 3 sisters, 2 brothers-in-law, niece, Joe's parents, and the two pastors from my church were there with me... I was able to see Joe's body and spend some time with him.  I had a nurse take his wedding ring off so I could immediately have that.  I also had her take his earrings out, which I am now wearing.

The next week is a blur, I stayed (and am still) at my mom's house, and my sisters, nieces, and nephew have been here a lot supporting me.  Joe's family has also been here, being extremely supportive and helpful to me even though they too are suffering.  The funeral home was amazing to work with, probably mostly because we worked with them a short 10 months ago for my dad's services.  The visitations were overwhelming, so many people, so much support.  The funeral service was amazing.  I was even able to get up and say a few words.  The week before when Joe and I were out singing karaoke and having a blast as always, he told me that I was his pillar, that I helped him so much in life.  I want to continue this, and that is why I wanted to honor him by saying some final words to his friends, letting them know how much they meant to him and how much he valued each and every moment with them.  We laid Joe to rest just a few plots away from my dad, such a blessing for me.  They were so close, and now they rest close, and I pray they are together in Heaven.

The day after the funeral both of our families came together at our house to open the many cards we received.  The amount of contributions is a very strong blessing.  I was also blessed to find out that Joe's work has an automatic life insurance benefit and that he had opted in for an extra benefit, on top of this, another blessing came about - Joe was a member of the local snowmobile club, which gives another life insurance benefit.  All blessings that Joe left for Sweet Pea and I.  The other huge blessing that he has for us is our house.  We bought a foreclosed house in June and boy, did he do an amazing job fixing it up for us.

So, now the people, meals, and cards are tapering off, but my Joe is still not here.  I think I'm still in shock, feeling perhaps I am on vacation or he is, and we will meet up again soon.  This is not totally false, as this Earth is not our home.  Our life on Earth is just a snippet of our eternity with Christ.  The trials we go through in life are our reminders of this.  I had the most amazing 5 1/2 years with Joe, and now have the blessing of raising our child.  I miss him tremendously, am very sad, and at times feel I cannot go on, but I know that I can, because I am a child of God and he will carry me through, and never let me go.

my story as of 12/20/2011

Back in June of 2006, I met this guy named Joe - well, I had known him back in high school (I graduated in 2000 and he in 2002) but we were never friends... We spent the entire summer together, and it was fabulous.  I teach, and so when the summer was over, we were back to living 1.5 hours apart - we soon couldn't handle it any longer, and got an apartment together in the middle of our work locations.  Wonderful years go by and in August of 2010, he proposed.  We planned a June wedding, to be held in the yard at my parent's house, with a gigantic reception in a neat out-of-town "ballroom".  In December, my parents' neighbor and friend passed away from cancer.  She wanted my dad to get first chance at her house, since she knew he would want one of his daughters to live there, and be very close.  Joe and I decided we would love to live right next to my parents.  How perfect?  My dad and Joe were great friends, and my mom and I were excited to share milk and butter.  I was also ecstatic to think of my children being able to run down the hill to gramma and grampa's house.  It was the best situation ever!  In early March, we began moving our things into the house, with the last trip being on March 19th.  Two days later, our plans were forever changed... We lost my dad to suicide.  For obvious reasons, we could no longer live in the neighbor's house. So, at the same time, my mom was looking for a new place to live and so were we.  We also had wedding plans to change.  There is no way we could have our wedding as planned, my dad was going to drive me up the hill in his convertible, and it was going to be magical.  We also were not going to be able to have the big reception we had planned, for it would be just like the funeral all over again, since it would be happening less than 3 months later.  We even considered postponing the wedding, but my mom said there was no chance of that - she needed something to look forward to.  So, our new plans were having our wedding in a town 1.5 hours away, where we had no associated with my dad.  We had a very small intimate ceremony and dinner.  Even as sad as it was, it was wonderful.  My mother and my niece, my Maid of Honor, walked me down the aisle.  Joe and I then went on an in-state honeymoon, and were able to enjoy the time together.  We wanted to try to have a child right away.  We were trying and testing, trying and testing, and finally, on September 10th, the result was positive - actually, the 3 results were positive.  How exciting!!  Bringing us to today, December 20th, and we had our ultrasound yesterday.  This was a major reality shock for me, seeing our child inside of me, realizing the only way they will know how wonderful of a person my dad was is through me and my family - there will never be any precious moments between my child(ren) and my dad, what a daddy's girl like me always dreams of.  Tomorrow will be 9 months since I lost my dad - the biggest milestones of my life have happened since then, so it has been 9 months of mixed emotions - losing my dad, getting married, buying our first house, and getting pregnant with our first child.  I am very excited, but sad at the same time.  I am blessed to have such a wonderful God, husband, mom, sisters, brothers-in-law, nieces/nephew, extended family, and friends.   >peace