i just turned my paper in!
wahoo!
excited to get it graded and be awarded my Master's degree! (hopefully)
i'm at one of those moments in my life again where i feel like i just heard the news... like it just happened. sometimes i feel like i lost my dad then lost joe the very next day. and now our daughter is almost 7 months old. she has been living longer than we were married. we were married for 6 months, 3 weeks, and 5 days. she is now 6 months, 3 weeks, and 6 days old. and boy have those last 6 months gone fast. she can now sit up pretty good. not perfect, but perfect for now. she has eaten peas, pears, carrots, and avocado. if it were up to her, she would sample everything that i eat and drink, but i want her to get a good taste for veggies and fruits, then lean proteins ... before junk. being solely responsible for her well-being is stressful for me. it may sound appealing to some who have a hard time making decisions with their spouse/parental partner, but having to make decisions is difficult when you are the one responsible for everything. i would like to put her in a bubble, but i don't think that would be socially appropriate! (lotis) i still have one hamper full of joe's dirty work clothes. they have been there for almost a year now. maybe i will wash them one of these days. it hurts so bad to know they will never be in that hamper again, dirty from rtp's black hole. i'm not sure when i will go through things in the garage. as far as i'm concerned, it can stay just how it is. things can be done as needed. i am in no hurry at all to clean, organize, nothing... maybe i will set a goal of having it presentable by DJoe's first birthday, so she can have her party out there if we have nice weather... that gives me just a little over 5 months, i think i can handle that... maybe. because of buying my engagement ring and wrap, joe was in the diamond club through the jewelry store... because of that he receives a coupon for $50 off $100 once a year for three years. Last year he bought me my Christmas present with it - the beautiful bracelet with a heart charm he had engraved "Forever My Love" - upon which I have added thumbprint charms for both him and my dad, as well as a charm with DakotaJoe's name on it... Well, another came in the mail this year, and I just used it. Joe helped buy me a ring to honor our daughter with. It is an emerald (her birthstone) and diamond ring, and I love it (thanks honey!) ... There will be another coupon coming in the mail next year, looking forward to that gift from him also. the jeep is fixed, it needed a new alternator. i thought i would love driving it, and sometimes i do, but i think it is making me miss joe even more, and gives me a lump in my throat every time i get in, realizing that he is not here to drive it... or fix it.. or anything. joe's dad wants it, and i think i will be ready to give it up sooner than i thought. i'm torn. thinking of not having it breaks my heart, but getting in it every day breaks my heart too. knowing that it is still in the family and maybe i could drive it once in a while would be helpful (therapeutic?) though... i might be getting talked into purchasing a mini van... joe used to (and his dad does too) say they are "uglier than sin" ... but i think he would be ok with DJoe and i having one now, if it made our lives a little easier. i don't want a car, i hate getting the carseat in and out of the back so low... do i regret getting rid of my compass, you ask? no, i don't. i do not miss the $315/month payments. if i get something else now, it is going to be something much more pocketbook friendly.
we have two parties this afternoon, so i better get some things ready while my precious baby is still napping!
with all my struggles i still have hope -- and i pray that God's light can shine through the cracks of my brokenness...
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
keeping up
i'm having a hard time keeping up...
things will get better after this week though, when I'm done with my Master's.
are you mad at your spouse? ungrateful?
take a moment - close your eyes, and go through a typical day in the life of your family in your head... today, perhaps, with all of the snow...
did your spouse help you out? or did you act alone today, taking care of you and your children, shoveling, doing all of the things parents have to do for their kids as well as for themselves?
Now... Imagine that same day without them. You have to do all of the things you did, but without them in the picture.
Do you appreciate them now?
I'm not asking for you to feel sorry for me, I'm just thinking outloud - journaling, if you will.
Today was rough. Thankfully, I put the Jeep in the garage last night since it was supposed to snow. DJoe slept wonderfully!! 8:30-5:30, got up to eat, then we went back to bed till 8:30- got myself ready quick, went out and started the Jeep, then put her (still in her jammies, cuz she hadn't woken up yet) in her car seat and we were off to church. Roads weren't too bad, but I did drive slow. We got to church a bit late, then I went to the nursery to change and feed her. The message was great, I will talk about that later. On the way home from church, stopped to get gas, drove through McDonald's for breakfast, stopped at Walgreens to get Christmas cards to hand out today, and went home - she had fallen asleep. So, I took the opportunity to do some shoveling. thick, sloppy snow. got a skinny strip done on the sidewalk around the house. Straightened my hair a bit, she is still sleeping - just about time to go to the Bagniewski Christmas celebration and she wakes up. So, I change her diaper and clothes (she was still in her jammies) and quickly head out the door. I met Cindy & Bob at the Spur so they could follow me, since the Jeep is "squirrely" in the snow, and I wanted someone close in case I needed help. It was fine, the highway was nice. About halfway there I went to pull something out of my bag, and lo-an-behol it wasn't there!!
GREAT!
that means no diapers, burp cloths, wallet, etc... but i did have my phone in my pocket, the Christmas cards to hand out, and a pie for the potluck.
Bob carried DJoe (her+carseat = so heavy!) in, and we proceeded to celebrate Christmas. I handed my pie to my aunt to put by the other desserts. I told her my friend dropped it off yesterday so I thought I'd bring it.. Cindy jokingly says, "I hope it is baked!" She looked at it and says "oh yeah, it is!" My cousin has a 14(ish) month old, and he wears diapers one size bigger than DJoe, and she said we could have one if needed. phew! a few things happened but lets fast forward to eating. we are eating, and I went to get some desserts (yes SOME dessertS) and Cindy said she wanted a piece of the apple pie I brought. So, I bring her a piece. She picks at it a little and exclaims "It isn't baked!" ROFLMAO (excuse me) {Yesterday I got a call from my dear friend Chantel, saying she was at a pie making party all day and was sent home with 5 pies, and was dropping one off on my porch... when i got home, to prevent myself from eating it all last night, i just grabbed it from the porch and put it into the fridge then pulled it out this morning and took it, assuming it was baked!} we soon had to say our goodbyes as we had another event back in Winona at 2:00. We left my aunt & uncles and headed for Hoff Funeral Home. Today was their annual memorial service for those lost in the last year. Joe's parents and niece Grace came too, and we were presented with a nice service. I knew what to expect, since, sadly, I was there last year also.. We listened to a speaker, a quartet - which, side note, my niece's college adviser was in, which was funny - , got a candle and ornament in memory of Joe, ate some cookies, and drank some cider. Upon leaving, we noticed the snow was changing texture... making for probably not the best driving anymore... meaning, we are not going to be able to go to Buffalo City tonight for a tree lighting ceremony in memory of loved ones lost, including Joe. I really wanted to go, but we just couldn't drive out there in this snow... So, we went to my mom's since Frank & Steph were still in town.. we hung out with them, ate supper with my mom, let DJoe have some moving room that she did not get much of this weekend, and left around 7. With all this snow, I had a hankering to get her a real snow suit that won't soak through, that I could lay her in the snow in and take pictures - and maybe she would roll around ;)... So, we are off to Target! (are you thinking what I wasn't thinking?) On the way, I pulled over to wipe the lights off because they seemed dim - well, there was no snow on them.. hmm.. a few blocks later, the radio started cutting out. on. off. on. off. on. off. then, soon, we got beeping. beeping. beeping. beeping. beeping. i tried turning it off and it wouldn't. beeping. beeping. beeping. beeping. finally it just shut off. we pull into target, almost pull into a parking spot and I realize - I don't have my wallet, duh! - so, to home we go.
I pull into the driveway, put the Jeep in neutral and pull up the Ebrake, hop out and open the garage door. As I'm walking back to the Jeep it started sounding real sad, idling real slow - uh-oh - I quick get back in to rev it up, but I was too late. dead. tried to start it. click.click.click. sheesh! alright, guess it is staying right here! sent a text to get help from Joe's dad after he gets off of work tomorrow. texted Cindy to see if she would come over and watch DJoe and let me take her car to an appointment I have tomorrow at noon. ok, everything is ok. got it covered. went in, laid DJoe on the floor with appropriate-only things in her reach (she isn't crawling yet), kiss her, go back outside to shovel. Shoveled one shovel-width down one sidewalk, shoveled the sidewalks that go down into the road, then looked in the front window to make sure she was ok - yep, playing away, talking to herself - turned the corner and shoveled one strip down the sidewalk on the front side of the house. peeked in on her again, shoveled another strip back around the house... (i got inappropriately annoyed during my shoveling time seeing how both of my neighbors' sidewalks were perfectly clear, stopping at our exact property line... i mean, don't they know i'm a widowed single mom who could use a little help? ugh! ... i only thought that for a second or two, but i enjoy taking care of my own business - it makes me feel like i'm accomplishing something - and if you know me, i don't really like asking for help - i feel guilty if people do things for me if i'm capable of getting it done myself - but still, are there no good people out there anymore that just do things "because"? especially since it was obvious they had snowblowers... my shoveling job is pretty humorous. i hope i make someone's day when they are walking down my side walk and get a laugh out of my shoveling job!) anyways, i didn't touch the driveway, since the jeep is there until further notice anyways. came in, she was still playing (rolled over, but still playing and talking to herself). pulled out the peas from the fridge, put in microwave for 15 seconds and picked her up from floor, took off her pretty Christmas sweater, sat her in her chair, put on her bib, and fed her her peas.... while i was feeding her i read the Baby Bullet book for suggestions on other "first" foods. She finished her peas, cleaned her up, and we went in her bedroom to put on her jammies, read stories, nurse, and go to sleep. phew! what a full day! she has been sleeping for about an hour now, and should sleep till 5-6... i hope! my arms are sore. i'm exhausted. now i'm going to try to make the wireless work on my new laptop again (i'm currently on my old beat-up one) so i can get my paper done. life is crazy. never a dull moment. as long as i don't forget my baby somewhere, i'll be ok. joe was the snowblower in the family. he also would have the jeep running with tip-top performance (i wouldn't be driving it if he were here anyways). he probably would have carried DJoe out to the car so I could remember to grab our bag. i added a solar operated snowflake light by his headstone yesterday morning - maybe that is why we have all of this snow. hah.
okay, so today's message at church was on joy.
despite my story of today, i have a lot to be thankful for in my life. i have an amazing baby. i have an amazing family. i have a fine house with a running furnace, fridge, water heater, washer & dryer, working plumbing, and many other 'essentials' - many of which there are families that do not have these. i have great friends. i have a shovel. i have a video monitor so i can watch my baby sleep. i have a great church. i have a job interview Tuesday!! what? i didn't tell you? yeah!! 20 hours + benefits, working with 16-24 year olds - back to the age group I was created to work with! i'll tell you more about it later, if i make it to the second round of interviews. anyways, back to today's message...
1. expect joy - joy is here! it is sent to us! - sometimes we confuse happiness and joy - happiness is temporary and joy is eternal.... think about that - is what you are feeling right now temporary, or eternal?
2. choose joy - experience joy by helping others experience joy!
Philemon 1:6: And I am praying that you will put into action the generosity that comes from your faith as you understand and experience all the good things we have in Christ.
I have joy in the Lord. Jesus died for my sins (yours too!), proclaiming "it is finished" - the war is over, He won. We do not have to go to Hell because He did that for us. Isn't that awesome? We have to believe he is who he says he is, he did what he said he did, and that he will do what he says he will do. Do you? I sure do. things of this world - be it happiness or sadness - are temporary. joy in the Lord is eternal. my daily struggles of being a widowed mom are temporary. and with that, i do not worry about future endeavors. to worry about the future would be imagining life without God. why would I worry? If our God is for us, who could be against us?
things will get better after this week though, when I'm done with my Master's.
are you mad at your spouse? ungrateful?
take a moment - close your eyes, and go through a typical day in the life of your family in your head... today, perhaps, with all of the snow...
did your spouse help you out? or did you act alone today, taking care of you and your children, shoveling, doing all of the things parents have to do for their kids as well as for themselves?
Now... Imagine that same day without them. You have to do all of the things you did, but without them in the picture.
Do you appreciate them now?
I'm not asking for you to feel sorry for me, I'm just thinking outloud - journaling, if you will.
Today was rough. Thankfully, I put the Jeep in the garage last night since it was supposed to snow. DJoe slept wonderfully!! 8:30-5:30, got up to eat, then we went back to bed till 8:30- got myself ready quick, went out and started the Jeep, then put her (still in her jammies, cuz she hadn't woken up yet) in her car seat and we were off to church. Roads weren't too bad, but I did drive slow. We got to church a bit late, then I went to the nursery to change and feed her. The message was great, I will talk about that later. On the way home from church, stopped to get gas, drove through McDonald's for breakfast, stopped at Walgreens to get Christmas cards to hand out today, and went home - she had fallen asleep. So, I took the opportunity to do some shoveling. thick, sloppy snow. got a skinny strip done on the sidewalk around the house. Straightened my hair a bit, she is still sleeping - just about time to go to the Bagniewski Christmas celebration and she wakes up. So, I change her diaper and clothes (she was still in her jammies) and quickly head out the door. I met Cindy & Bob at the Spur so they could follow me, since the Jeep is "squirrely" in the snow, and I wanted someone close in case I needed help. It was fine, the highway was nice. About halfway there I went to pull something out of my bag, and lo-an-behol it wasn't there!!
GREAT!
that means no diapers, burp cloths, wallet, etc... but i did have my phone in my pocket, the Christmas cards to hand out, and a pie for the potluck.
Bob carried DJoe (her+carseat = so heavy!) in, and we proceeded to celebrate Christmas. I handed my pie to my aunt to put by the other desserts. I told her my friend dropped it off yesterday so I thought I'd bring it.. Cindy jokingly says, "I hope it is baked!" She looked at it and says "oh yeah, it is!" My cousin has a 14(ish) month old, and he wears diapers one size bigger than DJoe, and she said we could have one if needed. phew! a few things happened but lets fast forward to eating. we are eating, and I went to get some desserts (yes SOME dessertS) and Cindy said she wanted a piece of the apple pie I brought. So, I bring her a piece. She picks at it a little and exclaims "It isn't baked!" ROFLMAO (excuse me) {Yesterday I got a call from my dear friend Chantel, saying she was at a pie making party all day and was sent home with 5 pies, and was dropping one off on my porch... when i got home, to prevent myself from eating it all last night, i just grabbed it from the porch and put it into the fridge then pulled it out this morning and took it, assuming it was baked!} we soon had to say our goodbyes as we had another event back in Winona at 2:00. We left my aunt & uncles and headed for Hoff Funeral Home. Today was their annual memorial service for those lost in the last year. Joe's parents and niece Grace came too, and we were presented with a nice service. I knew what to expect, since, sadly, I was there last year also.. We listened to a speaker, a quartet - which, side note, my niece's college adviser was in, which was funny - , got a candle and ornament in memory of Joe, ate some cookies, and drank some cider. Upon leaving, we noticed the snow was changing texture... making for probably not the best driving anymore... meaning, we are not going to be able to go to Buffalo City tonight for a tree lighting ceremony in memory of loved ones lost, including Joe. I really wanted to go, but we just couldn't drive out there in this snow... So, we went to my mom's since Frank & Steph were still in town.. we hung out with them, ate supper with my mom, let DJoe have some moving room that she did not get much of this weekend, and left around 7. With all this snow, I had a hankering to get her a real snow suit that won't soak through, that I could lay her in the snow in and take pictures - and maybe she would roll around ;)... So, we are off to Target! (are you thinking what I wasn't thinking?) On the way, I pulled over to wipe the lights off because they seemed dim - well, there was no snow on them.. hmm.. a few blocks later, the radio started cutting out. on. off. on. off. on. off. then, soon, we got beeping. beeping. beeping. beeping. beeping. i tried turning it off and it wouldn't. beeping. beeping. beeping. beeping. finally it just shut off. we pull into target, almost pull into a parking spot and I realize - I don't have my wallet, duh! - so, to home we go.
I pull into the driveway, put the Jeep in neutral and pull up the Ebrake, hop out and open the garage door. As I'm walking back to the Jeep it started sounding real sad, idling real slow - uh-oh - I quick get back in to rev it up, but I was too late. dead. tried to start it. click.click.click. sheesh! alright, guess it is staying right here! sent a text to get help from Joe's dad after he gets off of work tomorrow. texted Cindy to see if she would come over and watch DJoe and let me take her car to an appointment I have tomorrow at noon. ok, everything is ok. got it covered. went in, laid DJoe on the floor with appropriate-only things in her reach (she isn't crawling yet), kiss her, go back outside to shovel. Shoveled one shovel-width down one sidewalk, shoveled the sidewalks that go down into the road, then looked in the front window to make sure she was ok - yep, playing away, talking to herself - turned the corner and shoveled one strip down the sidewalk on the front side of the house. peeked in on her again, shoveled another strip back around the house... (i got inappropriately annoyed during my shoveling time seeing how both of my neighbors' sidewalks were perfectly clear, stopping at our exact property line... i mean, don't they know i'm a widowed single mom who could use a little help? ugh! ... i only thought that for a second or two, but i enjoy taking care of my own business - it makes me feel like i'm accomplishing something - and if you know me, i don't really like asking for help - i feel guilty if people do things for me if i'm capable of getting it done myself - but still, are there no good people out there anymore that just do things "because"? especially since it was obvious they had snowblowers... my shoveling job is pretty humorous. i hope i make someone's day when they are walking down my side walk and get a laugh out of my shoveling job!) anyways, i didn't touch the driveway, since the jeep is there until further notice anyways. came in, she was still playing (rolled over, but still playing and talking to herself). pulled out the peas from the fridge, put in microwave for 15 seconds and picked her up from floor, took off her pretty Christmas sweater, sat her in her chair, put on her bib, and fed her her peas.... while i was feeding her i read the Baby Bullet book for suggestions on other "first" foods. She finished her peas, cleaned her up, and we went in her bedroom to put on her jammies, read stories, nurse, and go to sleep. phew! what a full day! she has been sleeping for about an hour now, and should sleep till 5-6... i hope! my arms are sore. i'm exhausted. now i'm going to try to make the wireless work on my new laptop again (i'm currently on my old beat-up one) so i can get my paper done. life is crazy. never a dull moment. as long as i don't forget my baby somewhere, i'll be ok. joe was the snowblower in the family. he also would have the jeep running with tip-top performance (i wouldn't be driving it if he were here anyways). he probably would have carried DJoe out to the car so I could remember to grab our bag. i added a solar operated snowflake light by his headstone yesterday morning - maybe that is why we have all of this snow. hah.
okay, so today's message at church was on joy.
despite my story of today, i have a lot to be thankful for in my life. i have an amazing baby. i have an amazing family. i have a fine house with a running furnace, fridge, water heater, washer & dryer, working plumbing, and many other 'essentials' - many of which there are families that do not have these. i have great friends. i have a shovel. i have a video monitor so i can watch my baby sleep. i have a great church. i have a job interview Tuesday!! what? i didn't tell you? yeah!! 20 hours + benefits, working with 16-24 year olds - back to the age group I was created to work with! i'll tell you more about it later, if i make it to the second round of interviews. anyways, back to today's message...
1. expect joy - joy is here! it is sent to us! - sometimes we confuse happiness and joy - happiness is temporary and joy is eternal.... think about that - is what you are feeling right now temporary, or eternal?
2. choose joy - experience joy by helping others experience joy!
Philemon 1:6: And I am praying that you will put into action the generosity that comes from your faith as you understand and experience all the good things we have in Christ.
I have joy in the Lord. Jesus died for my sins (yours too!), proclaiming "it is finished" - the war is over, He won. We do not have to go to Hell because He did that for us. Isn't that awesome? We have to believe he is who he says he is, he did what he said he did, and that he will do what he says he will do. Do you? I sure do. things of this world - be it happiness or sadness - are temporary. joy in the Lord is eternal. my daily struggles of being a widowed mom are temporary. and with that, i do not worry about future endeavors. to worry about the future would be imagining life without God. why would I worry? If our God is for us, who could be against us?
our daughter LOVES singing!! if you sing to her, she dances, shakes side to side. she does her own little singing along too, it is so cute! what would you expect from parents that sang together?
this is one of our Christmas photos - sweet baby, so precious. <3
Thursday, November 1, 2012
november.
in case you didn't know, i miss joe a lot.
on the 13th of this month it will be ten months since the world lost him.
it has not gotten much easier.
halloween has come and gone and our little house didn't get any decorations... joe loved halloween. we have decorations in the closet, but no energy or motivation to get them out. (we'll see about christmas.. maybe that will come out, who knows) djoe (and i) did get dressed up though, and i did put a bag of candy out on the front railing for the little goblins since we weren't home.
here we are, mommy and baby owl:
last year we carved pumpkins. finally. i had wanted to carve pumpkins every year, but halloween came and went and on our front steps our pumpkins sat... with all of their skin and guts in tact. here are the pumpkins (and joe's foot) from last year that will go down in history:
i haven't spent much time with God lately, and boy can i tell. i have felt more depressed and lonely than i have in a while. my little girl can brighten any gloomy day, but i still miss joe's companionship and our life together. without God i get in these horrible ruts, dig myself down, go crazy over simple things, yuck.
i am going to start using cloth diapers, and am excited to save money and the planet.
you will soon be seeing pix of her in them!
this month she will be 6 months old - holy crud, i can't believe it. here are a couple pix from her 5 month photo shoot:
yep, the yellow newborn tutu dress still fits!
on the 13th of this month it will be ten months since the world lost him.
it has not gotten much easier.
halloween has come and gone and our little house didn't get any decorations... joe loved halloween. we have decorations in the closet, but no energy or motivation to get them out. (we'll see about christmas.. maybe that will come out, who knows) djoe (and i) did get dressed up though, and i did put a bag of candy out on the front railing for the little goblins since we weren't home.
here we are, mommy and baby owl:
last year we carved pumpkins. finally. i had wanted to carve pumpkins every year, but halloween came and went and on our front steps our pumpkins sat... with all of their skin and guts in tact. here are the pumpkins (and joe's foot) from last year that will go down in history:
i am going to start using cloth diapers, and am excited to save money and the planet.
you will soon be seeing pix of her in them!
this month she will be 6 months old - holy crud, i can't believe it. here are a couple pix from her 5 month photo shoot:
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
MEA
So, here in Minnesota there are two days where the public K-12 schools are out and there is an education convention in Minneapolis/St. Paul. As a teacher, I have always had these two days off, which looked like a great time for a minivacation (even though, as a teacher, I should have gone to the convention). So, since Joe worked third shift, he would take Thursday night, and sometimes Sunday night, off, so we could go away. MEA vacation spots for us included Wisconsin Dells, Prairie du Chein, and Virginia... We had 6 MEA weekends together, but I don't think we did anything during our first one - so that makes 5 but I can only remember 3 places... hmmm, I hope the other comes to me. We had other minivacations but I'm having a hard time pinpointing which were which at this very moment. I'll have to check my photos! So, blessed by God, I have to work on the Friday of MEA - I will have a few hours with the preschoolers... and Thursday, DJoe and I are spending some time with Madi + I'm getting a massage. Then on Saturday, my sister Peggy is getting married.... So, God has blessed me with having my first MEA without Joe being a weekend filled with doings. Saturday is also my friend Brandi's bachelorette party, so I may end up there later ... Then Sunday is my birthday, so that might actually be a little hard, but I'm getting to see Megan, whom I haven't seen since January! I'm super excited. Her, Amy, and I are going to have breakfast before they head home. Anyways, my anticipatory anxiety is always worse than the real thing.... But, it is a hard time of year for me because we always did something special, just the two of us on this long weekend.
Here are two photos from the MEA weekend we went to visit Megan in Virginia...
This past Sunday was the 2nd annual memorial ride for my dad... This picture is from the one last year... Oh, how I wish that is how we rode this year too... Instead, I drove my Compass with Andrea in the passenger seat and my mom and DJoe in the back.
Here are two photos from the MEA weekend we went to visit Megan in Virginia...
This past Sunday was the 2nd annual memorial ride for my dad... This picture is from the one last year... Oh, how I wish that is how we rode this year too... Instead, I drove my Compass with Andrea in the passenger seat and my mom and DJoe in the back.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
holidays
holy spotted cows do i miss my dad and joe.
today we took our memorial cruise in memory of my dad - it was nice, but i sure wish we didn't have a reason to do it.
on the way, we saw a sign: "This field fertilized with swine manure." - i'm wondering - so? why do we care? ... so, if you know why, please let me know!
so the holidays are going to be here before we know it. i kind of dread them. i tear up just thinking about them right now. last thanksgiving was our first one without dad, we actually had it at our house! joe and i started a tradition of making cheesy hashbrown potatoes - that would be the dish we'd make for every thanksgiving! well, turns out we only had one. so the family is talking about what to do this year, and i wish that i had to confer with my husband... having to figure out who's house to go to and when can seem like chaos, but i wish i had to do that right now. ... and then christmas. last christmas we got gifts for the little sweet pea brewin' inside of me. this year we were going to start our own family traditions with our new little family. well, turns out i alone will be making those traditions with her now.
some would say - sweet! you get to make all of the decisions, you don't have to discuss with anyone. well, if you know me - i hate making decisions. and now having to make all the decisions? my head spins a little more than normal. pretty soon there will be more decisions to make too, when djoe starts eating more than breastmilk, for one.
i always dreamed of being married and having at least one kid by my 30th birthday (10/21/12) - never did i think i'd be a widowed single mom.
here are two pictures i created today.
well, my computer has 13% brain power left and i'm in bed and the charger is in the living room. if you made it this far, thanks for reading. God is great. Yes i miss my dad and joe and i'm sad, but God is good - have you seen the amazing little girl he gave me? and the amazing family we have surrounding us?
today we took our memorial cruise in memory of my dad - it was nice, but i sure wish we didn't have a reason to do it.
on the way, we saw a sign: "This field fertilized with swine manure." - i'm wondering - so? why do we care? ... so, if you know why, please let me know!
so the holidays are going to be here before we know it. i kind of dread them. i tear up just thinking about them right now. last thanksgiving was our first one without dad, we actually had it at our house! joe and i started a tradition of making cheesy hashbrown potatoes - that would be the dish we'd make for every thanksgiving! well, turns out we only had one. so the family is talking about what to do this year, and i wish that i had to confer with my husband... having to figure out who's house to go to and when can seem like chaos, but i wish i had to do that right now. ... and then christmas. last christmas we got gifts for the little sweet pea brewin' inside of me. this year we were going to start our own family traditions with our new little family. well, turns out i alone will be making those traditions with her now.
some would say - sweet! you get to make all of the decisions, you don't have to discuss with anyone. well, if you know me - i hate making decisions. and now having to make all the decisions? my head spins a little more than normal. pretty soon there will be more decisions to make too, when djoe starts eating more than breastmilk, for one.
i always dreamed of being married and having at least one kid by my 30th birthday (10/21/12) - never did i think i'd be a widowed single mom.
here are two pictures i created today.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
respect
we live in a world where so many people take each other for granted...
when i hear you say that you wish your husband was more ______ (ex: romantic), pretty sure i want to jump across the table and shake you, telling you to be happy that your husband is alive. or when i hear you say you wish your dad was more _______ ... yeah, same thing. not saying that i never said those things, but i regret it, and would do about anything to have them back .. regardless of those characteristics i wished they would have had.
take a step back, imagine getting a phone call, the worst phone call, then would you be complaining to others about how your husband isn't romantic? don't complain about your husband at all. it is so disrespectful and if he knew you were doing it, he would be hurt. that happened to me once. i inadvertently disrespected joe in front of others and he was hurt. imagine getting a text from someone very close to you saying they are in the bathroom at work crying because a song that reminded them of your husband came on the radio and they miss him so much they couldn't contain themselves. do you still wish he was more romantic? or are you glad you have him? the problem is we try to have expectations for people that only God truly can fulfill.
luckily, i have found God, and He is the Father to the fatherless and the Defender of widows.
so, even though my flesh wants to jump across the table and put you in your place, because i have God in my corner, i do not.
You don't realize that God is all you need until He is all you have.
the other day when i picked up my amazing daughter from daycare, i was thinking "I love life!" and then i realized - woah, what did i just say? how could that be? thanks be to God for all of the wonderful blessings despite the devastating trials.
enough ranting.
be happy for what you have.
i'm learning to live with less and love it.
when i hear you say that you wish your husband was more ______ (ex: romantic), pretty sure i want to jump across the table and shake you, telling you to be happy that your husband is alive. or when i hear you say you wish your dad was more _______ ... yeah, same thing. not saying that i never said those things, but i regret it, and would do about anything to have them back .. regardless of those characteristics i wished they would have had.
take a step back, imagine getting a phone call, the worst phone call, then would you be complaining to others about how your husband isn't romantic? don't complain about your husband at all. it is so disrespectful and if he knew you were doing it, he would be hurt. that happened to me once. i inadvertently disrespected joe in front of others and he was hurt. imagine getting a text from someone very close to you saying they are in the bathroom at work crying because a song that reminded them of your husband came on the radio and they miss him so much they couldn't contain themselves. do you still wish he was more romantic? or are you glad you have him? the problem is we try to have expectations for people that only God truly can fulfill.
luckily, i have found God, and He is the Father to the fatherless and the Defender of widows.
so, even though my flesh wants to jump across the table and put you in your place, because i have God in my corner, i do not.
You don't realize that God is all you need until He is all you have.
the other day when i picked up my amazing daughter from daycare, i was thinking "I love life!" and then i realized - woah, what did i just say? how could that be? thanks be to God for all of the wonderful blessings despite the devastating trials.
enough ranting.
be happy for what you have.
i'm learning to live with less and love it.
Friday, September 21, 2012
wants.
i miss joe bunches.
i miss my dad bunches.
my name is amanda and i'm a believer in jesus christ who struggles with loneliness and hopelessness... i struggle. but i'm healing.
my healing was threatened this week when i got some less than satisfying news. as you may know, joe was a donor. he donated his eyes, which each are benefiting an older man's life. he also donated much tissue and bone, all that was possible. this week, however, i found out that this tissue and bone couldn't be used, due to damage caused in his accident. wow. that was a low blow. it is going to take me some time to process this. for eight months i have been wondering how many lives he touched with his donation. this is hard to take. thankfully, even though the bone and tissue couldn't be used, God provided for his eyes to be used, so i'm not completely thrown. but my healing was definitely threatened, as this opened up some wounds, in a painful way. i want him back.
tomorrow there is another suicide prevention walk (the first being in rochester last weekend). i wish there wasn't a reason for me to go. i want him back.
joe's dad fixed up the cherokee so it would be good for djoe and i so i can sell my compass and save money. he is so kind. i am so grateful for him and his willingness to help us out. i knew the day was coming when it would be sitting in my driveway. tonight when i pulled up it was here. i have been so excited to get this back. did i think joe would be with it? hmmm. i sat in my compass and cried for a bit before i could get out. i am proud to drive it. i already put djoe's car seat in it, ready to drive it tomorrow. then i plan to clean it out. keep it clean. make both of them proud. my dad always kept his vehicles very clean.
i didn't get married to be a widow.
i didn't get pregnant to be a single mom.
everything that happens to me first gets filtered through God's hands.
He will help me through.
He is helping me through.
i'm growing, not going, through these tragedies.
God trusted me to be a single parent to one of his children - wow. cool. i'm going to give it all i've got.
here she is, our little sweet pea, four months old:
who do you think she looks like?
i miss my dad bunches.
my name is amanda and i'm a believer in jesus christ who struggles with loneliness and hopelessness... i struggle. but i'm healing.
my healing was threatened this week when i got some less than satisfying news. as you may know, joe was a donor. he donated his eyes, which each are benefiting an older man's life. he also donated much tissue and bone, all that was possible. this week, however, i found out that this tissue and bone couldn't be used, due to damage caused in his accident. wow. that was a low blow. it is going to take me some time to process this. for eight months i have been wondering how many lives he touched with his donation. this is hard to take. thankfully, even though the bone and tissue couldn't be used, God provided for his eyes to be used, so i'm not completely thrown. but my healing was definitely threatened, as this opened up some wounds, in a painful way. i want him back.
tomorrow there is another suicide prevention walk (the first being in rochester last weekend). i wish there wasn't a reason for me to go. i want him back.
joe's dad fixed up the cherokee so it would be good for djoe and i so i can sell my compass and save money. he is so kind. i am so grateful for him and his willingness to help us out. i knew the day was coming when it would be sitting in my driveway. tonight when i pulled up it was here. i have been so excited to get this back. did i think joe would be with it? hmmm. i sat in my compass and cried for a bit before i could get out. i am proud to drive it. i already put djoe's car seat in it, ready to drive it tomorrow. then i plan to clean it out. keep it clean. make both of them proud. my dad always kept his vehicles very clean.
i didn't get married to be a widow.
i didn't get pregnant to be a single mom.
everything that happens to me first gets filtered through God's hands.
He will help me through.
He is helping me through.
i'm growing, not going, through these tragedies.
God trusted me to be a single parent to one of his children - wow. cool. i'm going to give it all i've got.
here she is, our little sweet pea, four months old:
 |
| 50% mom + 50% dad = `100% me |
 |
| wow - 5 years ago... we were so young! the day before my 25th birthday! |
Thursday, August 23, 2012
desktop
so my desktop background has been this since i got this computer (a few months):
today, i just changed it to this:
I could stare at this picture and cry all day... is that healthy or not? I'm thinking - should I really subject myself to that, getting sad each time I turn my computer on? I love looking at his handsome face, but is it just too much to put myself through? Maybe I should wait until a time that I can look at it and just smile, instead of cry? Will that ever happen? Or maybe seeing his face each time I turn my computer on will help me heal? Or will it make me think, again, that he is just on a long vacation? A military family I know from high school just got reunited after 7 months... I know how she felt with not seeing her husband for 7 months, and I sure wish that I could see mine. Growing up without her daddy is going to be hard for DakotaJoe, just like it has been and will be hard for me without my dad - and there will be tough times, but I will pray to my loving Father to guard our hearts and surround us by others that will lift us up. I hope I can do a good job at letting her know how much her daddy loved her and wanted her - I feel like that is the hardest job one could ever have. There will be so many questions... She has a super grandpa and many uncles and cousins that will be great male role models in her life, but I can't help but be sad for both of them... that she never got to meet her daddy who loved her so much while she was just a sweet pea in my womb and he never got to meet the daughter he was so excited for and loved so much. I have made some progress in my healing and recovery, I still miss him so much, but I'm not as lonely as I was, or longing for companionship. When I see the date - August 23, 2012 - it has been over 7 months since I saw him, a longer period of time than we were actually married.. I can't believe it has been this long. I still miss him just as much as I did in the first month. I dreamt about him again last night, it was a great dream - I just wish it would have been real.
Psalm 68:5 says, God is a Father to the fatherless and a defender of widows.
Here is our little beauty, 3 months old!
P.S.
Yesterday involved two up-her-back poops - one which even got on my shirt, pants, and the floor of the bathroom I was changing her in!
Yesterday involved two up-her-back poops - one which even got on my shirt, pants, and the floor of the bathroom I was changing her in!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
poop
well, little miss DakotaJoe is pooping more often now - and it stinks!
the days of having a baby with stinkless poop are over!
we are so in love and miss daddy and grandpa so much... she didn't even know them and still, already, misses them! She is such a sweetheart... if you haven't met her yet, you are really missing out!
Next Sunday we will be walking in the Goodview Days parade with the Celebrate Recovery float (as long as I'm not in too much pain from getting wisdom teeth out on Thursday)... and the following Sunday I will be publicly presenting DJoe to the Lord and committing to be a godly parent, as the Bible teaches that parents have the primary responsibility to nurture the faith of their children. The 30th would be Joe's 29th birthday, and I plan to do something special at the cemetery that day, let me know if you would like to join us.
This picture shows my new favorite past-time... taken from my webcam, so not the greatest quality.
Tomorrow marks seven months since Joe has been gone. i have now been a widow longer than i was a wife... I miss him just as much as I did back then, and my broken heart still aches as God is repairing it back together.
One piece of today's discussion in church was on what it means to truly be Jesus' disciple... A true disciple is obedient to Jesus' teaching - that obedience leads to knowledge, which leads to freedom.
I'm working on this, working on being freed from my loneliness, sadness, and despair.
the days of having a baby with stinkless poop are over!
we are so in love and miss daddy and grandpa so much... she didn't even know them and still, already, misses them! She is such a sweetheart... if you haven't met her yet, you are really missing out!
Next Sunday we will be walking in the Goodview Days parade with the Celebrate Recovery float (as long as I'm not in too much pain from getting wisdom teeth out on Thursday)... and the following Sunday I will be publicly presenting DJoe to the Lord and committing to be a godly parent, as the Bible teaches that parents have the primary responsibility to nurture the faith of their children. The 30th would be Joe's 29th birthday, and I plan to do something special at the cemetery that day, let me know if you would like to join us.
This picture shows my new favorite past-time... taken from my webcam, so not the greatest quality.
I'm working on this, working on being freed from my loneliness, sadness, and despair.
Proverbs 24:14
Know that wisdom is such to your soul; if you find it, there will be a future, and your hope will not be cut off.
Know that wisdom is such to your soul; if you find it, there will be a future, and your hope will not be cut off.
Monday, August 6, 2012
the steak.
well, i finally threw the steak away that has been in my freezer for 7 months... i couldn't throw away the ice cream though.. it is weird- it is just ice cream, and i haven't had any in the last 7 months, and i'm not sure if i will in the next 7, but it was his... you might understand, you might not - but i'm keeping it.
our wedding night ... looking at our faces makes me so sad but so happy at the same time... it has been a while since i smiled like that. i miss you joe and i will love you forever...
saturday night was a good friend from high school's bachelorette party - first time out since pre-pregnancy. my wonderful mother had djoe overnight, and they had a great time together.
i sang for the first time in 7 months - 7 months from tonight actually ... 1/6/12 this was my wonderful audience... i actually made it through "What's Up" by the 4NonBlondes - a song that holds memories of both my dad and joe... i think i made them smile.
after 7 months of not seeing some of the best friends i have ever known, i was bound and determined to make my way to buffalo city. after the bachelorette party, some of the ladies had to head that way anyways, so i had a ride.
they were [almost] all there ... only two were missing. it was a great night of catching up - so great to see them. most of them welcomed my appearance, but there is one that i don't think can handle seeing me yet - it is too hard for him. it was hard to see them all but it was something i felt i had to do. i felt very safe, back at 'home' for a night with my brothers.
i did lose half of my hand pump and have chigger bites from the knees down, but it was a great time. amazing time with all the ladies and a great time with the guys.
(i wish i had a picture of me and the guys, but my camera stayed in my purse while i was there - weird!)
DakotaJoe is an amazing little lady. She is laying next to me right now jibber-jabbering away. We are about done for the night, ready for a six hour sleep {hopefully}! She can hold her head up and is smiling and 'talking' more and more each day. She has the most beautiful eyes. Soon I will post baby pictures of both of us.. She looks exactly like Joe, but there is a little bit of me in her too. I couldn't possibly care less if she looked a bit like me - as long as she looks like her daddy!!
when i am weak, i am strong:
2 Corinthians 12: 9-10
"'My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you.' So I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses. Then Christ's power can live in me. For this reason I am happy when I have weaknesses, insults, hard times, sufferings, and all kinds of troubles for Christ. Because when I am weak, then I am truly strong."
why i believe:
Philippians 1:6
"And I am sure that God who began the good work within you will keep right on helping you grow in his grace until his task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns."
the golden rule - did you know it came from God?:
Luke 6:31
"Treat others as you want them to treat you."
why i do my best to forgive:
Colossians 3:13
"Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others."
how i get my strength:
Romans 8:31
"So what should we say about this? If God is with us, no one can defeat us."
Lots going on this month, well, and the next two, and i guess the next two also...
This month we have auntie Steph's birthday, uncle Jake's birthday, our final shower, DJoe's Dedication, Joe's birthday (I'm planning to do something special), oh yeah - and I am getting my wisdom teeth pulled - AAAHH!
Next month we have a little friend's 1st birthday, the Out of the Darkness suicide prevention walk, my sister's wedding shower weekend, auntie Peggy's birthday, and I just found out about a suicide prevention 5K in winona too - so that might be added to the list!
October will mark the 30th anniversary of my birth, celebrating with an 80's themed party! It is also uncle Bobby's birthday, Grandpa Gerry's birthday, Great Grandma Mary (J)'s birthday, Peg & Jake's wedding, DJoe's first Halloween, and we will also hold another memorial ride for my dad.
phew!! then it will be time for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's! Before I know it, the little jomanda will be one year old!
our wedding night ... looking at our faces makes me so sad but so happy at the same time... it has been a while since i smiled like that. i miss you joe and i will love you forever...
i sang for the first time in 7 months - 7 months from tonight actually ... 1/6/12 this was my wonderful audience... i actually made it through "What's Up" by the 4NonBlondes - a song that holds memories of both my dad and joe... i think i made them smile.
they were [almost] all there ... only two were missing. it was a great night of catching up - so great to see them. most of them welcomed my appearance, but there is one that i don't think can handle seeing me yet - it is too hard for him. it was hard to see them all but it was something i felt i had to do. i felt very safe, back at 'home' for a night with my brothers.
i did lose half of my hand pump and have chigger bites from the knees down, but it was a great time. amazing time with all the ladies and a great time with the guys.
(i wish i had a picture of me and the guys, but my camera stayed in my purse while i was there - weird!)
DakotaJoe is an amazing little lady. She is laying next to me right now jibber-jabbering away. We are about done for the night, ready for a six hour sleep {hopefully}! She can hold her head up and is smiling and 'talking' more and more each day. She has the most beautiful eyes. Soon I will post baby pictures of both of us.. She looks exactly like Joe, but there is a little bit of me in her too. I couldn't possibly care less if she looked a bit like me - as long as she looks like her daddy!!
2 Corinthians 12: 9-10
"'My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you.' So I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses. Then Christ's power can live in me. For this reason I am happy when I have weaknesses, insults, hard times, sufferings, and all kinds of troubles for Christ. Because when I am weak, then I am truly strong."
why i believe:
Philippians 1:6
"And I am sure that God who began the good work within you will keep right on helping you grow in his grace until his task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns."
the golden rule - did you know it came from God?:
Luke 6:31
"Treat others as you want them to treat you."
why i do my best to forgive:
Colossians 3:13
"Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others."
how i get my strength:
Romans 8:31
"So what should we say about this? If God is with us, no one can defeat us."
Lots going on this month, well, and the next two, and i guess the next two also...
This month we have auntie Steph's birthday, uncle Jake's birthday, our final shower, DJoe's Dedication, Joe's birthday (I'm planning to do something special), oh yeah - and I am getting my wisdom teeth pulled - AAAHH!
Next month we have a little friend's 1st birthday, the Out of the Darkness suicide prevention walk, my sister's wedding shower weekend, auntie Peggy's birthday, and I just found out about a suicide prevention 5K in winona too - so that might be added to the list!
October will mark the 30th anniversary of my birth, celebrating with an 80's themed party! It is also uncle Bobby's birthday, Grandpa Gerry's birthday, Great Grandma Mary (J)'s birthday, Peg & Jake's wedding, DJoe's first Halloween, and we will also hold another memorial ride for my dad.
phew!! then it will be time for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's! Before I know it, the little jomanda will be one year old!
wow - this is an amazing feeling - so my little girl is laying here next to me... staring at me ... i look down, smile, say "hi" and i get the biggest, most beautiful smile back. you are missing out!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
he is just lost - unable to come home.
I keep having dreams that Joe is just lost or locked up somewhere, not able to come home, and I am trying to find him. Well, last night I found him - what a relief! He was in jail in Chippewa Falls. I don't know what he was there for, but I was so unbelievably excited to see him. He was in a class with one of the teachers I taught with in Rochester. I wanted to just run in and see him, but they made me wait out in the hallway because they were nervous he would be so excited and disrupt the entire room if he saw me. So, I waited in the hallway and he came out and we hugged and kissed and it was so amazing. I went back and visited him a couple more times, each time was just as special. The last time I went, I helped him escape. We needed to be together, so he had to get out of there. I don't know what happened then, that is about when DJoe woke up...
I'm not sure the reality of what has happened will sink in until Joe's headstone is complete and in place. I still feel like he is just gone, and will be returning. I'm not sure my heart and head have totally comprehended that this actually happened. Some days I think I have realized and accepted, but then some days I definitely do not. It is hard to believe that it has been six months already - I still miss him SO much.
Here is a picture of us from July 21, 2006 - the night we became "official"...
And here is another old picture I found, from Feb 24, 2007, of my handsome husband being goofy with my glasses on - I thought he looked amazing in them, so he basically just put them on (& spiked his hair) for me :)
The man I will love forever and always, no matter what.
With all that has happened in my life, I need to trust in God - what else can I do? A friend recently told me that he was stood up by someone and he is 'losing faith in his friends' - this happens all the time - we can't hold that much faith in our friends - in anything Earthly for that matter - the only thing worthy of our faith is God. Now this doesn't mean I don't adore my family and friends, but we are all human, we all let each other down once in a while. There are many days that I overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit... I do get excited about life and excited about what God has planned for my future; however, there are definitely times when I need to stop, look, and listen - if you will - and let my big and mighty God of hope fill me with the joy and peace... He is there, wanting to do it for me, but it isn't always easy to let him in and feel what he offers - but I do know it is what is best for me and my daughter.
She is two months old already, I can't believe it... Here are some pictures to look at her growth!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
up the back!
DJoe has spent time in her crib three times now - it is hard for me to put her in there - i can't imagine what it will be like when she starts school! Friday night she spent her first chunk of the night in there, yesterday morning she took her nap in there. For the first time, I laid her down 'awake but drowsy' and let her cry for about 5 minutes on and off to expel her extra energy and fall asleep. This is going to help her learn to sooth herself to sleep instead of needing to be held, rocked, etc. to fall asleep. I'm super excited, and I hope we can keep it up. Last night she slept in there all night - she slept 10:30ish to 3:30ish and then 4:30ish to 7:30ish! she got the love of sleep that both Joe had and I have.
We went to the "All About Baby" class/meeting that the Women's Health department at the clinic offers yesterday. I've been wanting to go for a while now, but it just never worked - yesterday I just made it work. The most exciting thing was seeing how much she weighs now - 10lbs 2oz!
Thursday we have our first play date! This one will probably be more for me than her, but I'm sure we will both have fun.
Monday, she had her first explosive poop. She stopped eating, but was still sitting in my lap. I could tell that the noises coming out of her were not dry... and they kept coming out, while I continued to get more scared to open her up. I knew this was a job for the changing table (often I will just change her in the living room). After much hesitation, I carefully opened her up and, sure enough, it had squeezed out the back of her diaper and went up her back. Luckily, I had enough dirties to throw her sleeper in the wash right away - yuck! Joe for sure would have had to change that one if he is here with us.
I definitely miss my best friend a ton. Little things, like sitting on the couch with Dakota and wanting the book that is on the other side of the room. We are so comfortable I don't want to move - Or last night, when she was not wanting to go to sleep but I needed sleep so bad - Or when she smiles and coos - Or when I'm pumping and she doesn't want to let me - Or heck, when I want (need) to shower (or just go to the bathroom). [Not to mention all the times I want him for me.] All of these tasks will get increasingly difficult when she becomes mobile. - but me and my girl will work it all out together - we know that God works all things together for good for those that love Him.
Some of you may still be wondering about God - why I talk about Him so much and live to follow Him. I'm getting strength from somewhere, and it is definitely not from my own being. Sometimes I do feel like I'm going crazy, but God quickly reminds me why I am not...
I get a lot of my STRENGTH FROM THE BIBLE - knowing God's Word including stories of people just like me and the trials followed by blessings that they went through...
Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path. Psalm 119:105
From practice, I know that GOD ANSWERS PRAYER - there have been big things in life that I have prayed for and He has answered (healthy pregnancy, delivery, and baby) - as well as little things like keeping crazy, disturbing dreams away from my sleep (and even just helping me calm down and fall asleep at times).
If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. John 15:7
Pictures to come, but for now I have to just post this - I already had to edit/update it once after it sat for over a day before being finished and posted... life is busy!
We went to the "All About Baby" class/meeting that the Women's Health department at the clinic offers yesterday. I've been wanting to go for a while now, but it just never worked - yesterday I just made it work. The most exciting thing was seeing how much she weighs now - 10lbs 2oz!
Thursday we have our first play date! This one will probably be more for me than her, but I'm sure we will both have fun.
Monday, she had her first explosive poop. She stopped eating, but was still sitting in my lap. I could tell that the noises coming out of her were not dry... and they kept coming out, while I continued to get more scared to open her up. I knew this was a job for the changing table (often I will just change her in the living room). After much hesitation, I carefully opened her up and, sure enough, it had squeezed out the back of her diaper and went up her back. Luckily, I had enough dirties to throw her sleeper in the wash right away - yuck! Joe for sure would have had to change that one if he is here with us.
I definitely miss my best friend a ton. Little things, like sitting on the couch with Dakota and wanting the book that is on the other side of the room. We are so comfortable I don't want to move - Or last night, when she was not wanting to go to sleep but I needed sleep so bad - Or when she smiles and coos - Or when I'm pumping and she doesn't want to let me - Or heck, when I want (need) to shower (or just go to the bathroom). [Not to mention all the times I want him for me.] All of these tasks will get increasingly difficult when she becomes mobile. - but me and my girl will work it all out together - we know that God works all things together for good for those that love Him.
Some of you may still be wondering about God - why I talk about Him so much and live to follow Him. I'm getting strength from somewhere, and it is definitely not from my own being. Sometimes I do feel like I'm going crazy, but God quickly reminds me why I am not...
I get a lot of my STRENGTH FROM THE BIBLE - knowing God's Word including stories of people just like me and the trials followed by blessings that they went through...
Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path. Psalm 119:105
From practice, I know that GOD ANSWERS PRAYER - there have been big things in life that I have prayed for and He has answered (healthy pregnancy, delivery, and baby) - as well as little things like keeping crazy, disturbing dreams away from my sleep (and even just helping me calm down and fall asleep at times).
If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. John 15:7
Pictures to come, but for now I have to just post this - I already had to edit/update it once after it sat for over a day before being finished and posted... life is busy!
Sunday, June 17, 2012
eyelashes!
sweet pea has had a very eventful first month of life!
This week included...
her first time watching Wes & Madi's swimming lessons:
her first Steamboat Days kiddie parade:
her first Steamboat Days parade:
It also included her first Father's Day without her daddy. We were going to drive his Jeep today, but it is dead :-( We spent some time out at his grave and grandpa's grave... I miss them both so very much, and keep thinking about how proud they would be of our little sweet pea.
My number one job right now is parenting. And for me, it is the role of both mother and father - perhaps the hardest job there is? In 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12, the Apostle Paul describes three characteristics of a Christian father: "For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory." Fathers are to be encouraging, comforting, and exhorting. Now, I am not her father, and this of course doesn't only apply to fathers, but I am going to pray that I apply this to our lives. When DakotaJoe is tempted to give up, I will encourage her to keep going. When DakotaJoe is carrying a burden, I will give her comfort that helps her carry the burden, grief, or pain - aiming to lighten and lessen her burden. There will also be tough times when I will need to move from DakotaJoe's side to stand squarely in front of her and confront her with something she needs to face.
Last year at this very moment, June 17 2011, we were in Black River Falls preparing for our wedding. I was in a room with the girls and Joe was with his family - he tried so hard to see me that night, but no one would let him... we wanted that moment when i began walking down the aisle the next day to be very precious - and that it was. Wes and Madi are going to come over tomorrow to help me eat our wedding cake - since we saved it to eat together on our first anniversary.
This week included...
her first time watching Wes & Madi's swimming lessons:
her first Steamboat Days kiddie parade:
her first wedding:
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| i love my new outfit and can't wait to dance the night away! |
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| having some love time with mommy |
her first Steamboat Days parade:
her first game of rock paper scissors:
It also included her first Father's Day without her daddy. We were going to drive his Jeep today, but it is dead :-( We spent some time out at his grave and grandpa's grave... I miss them both so very much, and keep thinking about how proud they would be of our little sweet pea.
My number one job right now is parenting. And for me, it is the role of both mother and father - perhaps the hardest job there is? In 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12, the Apostle Paul describes three characteristics of a Christian father: "For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory." Fathers are to be encouraging, comforting, and exhorting. Now, I am not her father, and this of course doesn't only apply to fathers, but I am going to pray that I apply this to our lives. When DakotaJoe is tempted to give up, I will encourage her to keep going. When DakotaJoe is carrying a burden, I will give her comfort that helps her carry the burden, grief, or pain - aiming to lighten and lessen her burden. There will also be tough times when I will need to move from DakotaJoe's side to stand squarely in front of her and confront her with something she needs to face.
Last year at this very moment, June 17 2011, we were in Black River Falls preparing for our wedding. I was in a room with the girls and Joe was with his family - he tried so hard to see me that night, but no one would let him... we wanted that moment when i began walking down the aisle the next day to be very precious - and that it was. Wes and Madi are going to come over tomorrow to help me eat our wedding cake - since we saved it to eat together on our first anniversary.
Forever My Love
Sunday, June 10, 2012
kisses
Wow, what a wonderful baby God has given me.
Friday she came with Grandma and I to Rochester - we went to the John Marshall HS graduation rehearsal, the galleria to meet Auntie Steph for lunch, and the mall. Yesterday, we were back in Rochester - this time Auntie Cindy came along. We had a graduation party for two of my students, she got some new flip flops at TJMaxx, and we went to the JM graduation. She is such a good traveler and is very patient! Today, we went to first service for church, and she was awake the entire time! She laid on my lap and just looked around, enjoying being awake. She is sitting here awake right now too, here she is ...
She loves the nature sounds and vibration of the chair. After a busy couple of days, we spent today relaxing. After church we did a lot of snuggling and napping! Nursing is going well, and she had her first bottle yesterday. I have done some pumping, so last night during graduation Cindy was able to give her a bottle. Nights have been going well too, She is only waking up once, maybe twice, in the night. She can put herself to sleep too. Not always, but there have been a couple of times when she is laid down awake but sleepy and will fall asleep on her own. She definitely does love being rocked, snuggled, or sang to sleep - she loves her forehead being rubbed too.
Many people, even those that only met Joe once, or only saw pictures of him, say that she truly resembles him. That excites me, and I am even more excited to see the resemblance grow. One night she really reminded me of him. She was going to sleep for the night, but was having a hard time falling asleep. She was whimpering a bit, so I laid her on my chest. She fell right to sleep. This reminded me of him because we always had to be as close to each other as possible. When we were sleeping we would always have to be super close to each other to be truly comfortable and fall asleep.
There are many things that bring up fear in me - daily things and things to come in the future. When this fear comes in me, I call on my amazing God. The fear and anxiety comes upon me, but if I call on God and ask Him to help me through and to take it away, it does not build up or fester inside of me. He calms my heart, mind, and body.
LIVING TO PLEASE GOD – WITHOUT FEAR
Friday she came with Grandma and I to Rochester - we went to the John Marshall HS graduation rehearsal, the galleria to meet Auntie Steph for lunch, and the mall. Yesterday, we were back in Rochester - this time Auntie Cindy came along. We had a graduation party for two of my students, she got some new flip flops at TJMaxx, and we went to the JM graduation. She is such a good traveler and is very patient! Today, we went to first service for church, and she was awake the entire time! She laid on my lap and just looked around, enjoying being awake. She is sitting here awake right now too, here she is ...
She loves the nature sounds and vibration of the chair. After a busy couple of days, we spent today relaxing. After church we did a lot of snuggling and napping! Nursing is going well, and she had her first bottle yesterday. I have done some pumping, so last night during graduation Cindy was able to give her a bottle. Nights have been going well too, She is only waking up once, maybe twice, in the night. She can put herself to sleep too. Not always, but there have been a couple of times when she is laid down awake but sleepy and will fall asleep on her own. She definitely does love being rocked, snuggled, or sang to sleep - she loves her forehead being rubbed too.
who do you think she looks like?
There are many things that bring up fear in me - daily things and things to come in the future. When this fear comes in me, I call on my amazing God. The fear and anxiety comes upon me, but if I call on God and ask Him to help me through and to take it away, it does not build up or fester inside of me. He calms my heart, mind, and body.
LIVING TO PLEASE GOD – WITHOUT FEAR
For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13
Sunday, June 3, 2012
poop!
well, after a week with no poop, she finally pooped!! yippee, i've never been happier. the last time she pooped was last saturday morning, and all week she had been eating well, really gassy, and not seeming uncomfortable, but no poop - what a mystery! she finally pooped yesterday, what a relief! and then, she pooped again today!
nursing is going well so far, and i have pumped a couple times too! she is going to get her first bottle on saturday when i'm handing out diplomas at graduation and she is with auntie cindy.
today she got to meet her great grandma mary and her great uncle peter! we had lunch with them, grandma, nana, and bimpa - it was her first restaurant experience and she liked it, but let us know when it was time to go. :)
yesterday when we were at the store looking at cards, i picked up a "first" father's day card and wished i had to pick one out. i wish i could give my dad one too. i plan to take djoe for a ride in the cherokee and tell her stories about her daddy and grandpa on father's day.
nursing is going well so far, and i have pumped a couple times too! she is going to get her first bottle on saturday when i'm handing out diplomas at graduation and she is with auntie cindy.
today she got to meet her great grandma mary and her great uncle peter! we had lunch with them, grandma, nana, and bimpa - it was her first restaurant experience and she liked it, but let us know when it was time to go. :)
yesterday when we were at the store looking at cards, i picked up a "first" father's day card and wished i had to pick one out. i wish i could give my dad one too. i plan to take djoe for a ride in the cherokee and tell her stories about her daddy and grandpa on father's day.
Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
(Proverbs 22:6)
Pleasant words promote instruction.
(Proverbs 16:21)
i miss laughing with him.
if you have seen me lately, you may have noticed me not wearing my wedding ring - it is a little snug at the moment! i am always so hot, and i don't want it to get stuck.
soon, she and i will laugh together. for now, we stare at each other.
i am in love again.
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