wonderful love

12/31/2011 | Frank & Stephanie Peterson's wedding reception | Hayfield, MN

This is one of the last pictures of us, and I am so thankful for those disposable cameras that no one hesitated to take numerous shots with.

I always knew we had a great thing, but sadly, I am really realizing how great it was now.  Looking at all of these smiling pictures of him, thinking back to all of the things he did for me, all of the places he went for me, all of the people he hung out with for me, everything - I am just looking back, hoping that I showed enough appreciation - because I am really seeing now how he worked very hard at making me happy and making us work... right up until asking me if it was ok if he went snowmobiling that day. 

One beautiful memory I have of something that happened often was Wednesday 1/11/12, I wasn't feeling great, so I stayed home for the day.  My mom came over and we were doing some things in the back room, and when Joe woke up, the first thing he did was come by us just to give me a hug and a sweet kiss on my forehead... He did that a lot - when he would wake up, when he would come in from the garage, whenever we were parting or seeing each other again.

I had a break down tonight, luckily I wasn't alone, but honestly, I would have been ok alone, because had my mom and sister not been here, I would have turned to God.  {Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."}  I think prepping for Sweet Pea and getting her room ready is bringing up and out extreme mixed emotions in me.  I am so excited for her to get here, but I am so sad that Joe is not here making decisions with me, helping decorate her room, buying the things we need and want for her, everything exciting that one expects to be granted at this time in her life... But, Sweet Pea often kicks me, reminding me that we will be ok  {For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13}

I have two close friends who are coming to terms with drinking problems and choosing to work on the issue, possibly attending Celebrate Recovery at PV with me Friday night.  I am so excited and happy for them and looking forward to what God is going to do in their lives. 

There are a lot of people going through pain in tragic trials right now -- the school shooting in Ohio, two young boys taking their lives near Rochester, four college freshmen dieing in a car accident on their way back to school from a visit to their families, a MN snowmobiler losing his life in an avalanche in Wyoming, and closest to home, a close friend of my sister's taking her own life -- I pray for these people, that they know God, because I do not know how people get through these trials if they do not have God. 

Many people think that I sh/would be mad at God right now, taking my precious father and then my precious husband only 10 months later, leaving me a pregnant, fatherless, widow.  I do not deny being mad, but I am not mad at God - how could I be mad at our creator, the one who gives me so many blessings (including such a great dad, a wonderful husband, and no problems getting pregnant)?  I'm not mad at anyone/thing specific, I'm just mad!  Like I have said before, God has written my book, he knows what happens each chapter, and has written the ending.  He also wrote Joe's book, and we cannot stick to the "why" questions - even though it sucks so bad - and trust that in time, when we are with God, then and only then, will we know why.  {1 Corinthians 13:12 "Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.  All that I know now is partial & incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely."}

My question is not "why?" it is "who?"  Who can I turn to now?  Who is going to help me through this?  Who can help me make my decisions?  Who is going to hold me forever, no matter what?  My other question is "how?"  How can I have this relationship with God and trust in Him {Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."}, let Him help me make decisions, and let Him hold me and pull me out of deep pits?  {Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand."} 

Who am  I to ask, "Why would you do this to me, our daughter, and all of Joe's family and friends?  Why would you put Joe through that?  Why would you allow me to become a widow at 29, 10 months after losing my dad, 4 months before the due date of our first child?  Why would you allow our daughter to be born without her daddy, that wanted her so badly?"  I am not God.  I did not create this world.  I am not the ruler of everyone's lives.  I do not know the purpose for things, and I will not know until I meet God face to face.  It is hard to not sit and cry so hard over these questions, I will say; however, because I have the Holy Spirit in me, I know better.  I know who to turn to and I know how to turn to him and let him help me. 

"Though he slay me, I will hope in Him" Job 13:15

God, I thank you for all of the blessings you have given me in life including me being born to great, loving parents, having three amazing sisters,  meeting a wonderful man and having almost six superbly sweet years with him, for having no problems conceiving, and having a healthy pregnancy.  I pray for everyone in the world, especially those closest to me, going through trials right now.  I pray that they know you, and if they do not know you, they are able to turn to you for comfort.  I pray that you use me in any way necessary to help people turn to you to find the love, peace, and hope of God which transcends all understanding.  In your name, Amen.

bowling

This is a funny and realistic video - you may have seen it on Facebook, but I want to share it with you.

 12/31/2007 | Winona Bowl

We were ringing in the New Year with fun friends at Winona Bowl, it was a good time!!  There are those beautiful eyes that I hope my daughter is blessed with.  He was such an amazing man, and grew up so much since we started dating, and was so proud of his life and what was becoming of it.  When we first got together he said he would NEVER live in Minnesota, then a little later, he said, "well, maybe Winona, since it is on the border" - but, then he ended up moving to St. Charles - that is quite a ways in!! all for me, and for our relationship!!

I'm going to give you a quick verse today, because I waited so long to post today and need to get us to bed.

Luke 6:37 (Jesus's words)

"Do not judge others, and you will not be judged.  Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you.  Forgive others, and you will be forgiven."

comments

i want you to know that comments are welcomed - if you have questions - don't believe me - want to know more - want to tell me something - anything - feel free to leave a comment... it would be fun, at least interesting, to have some dialogue about what i am sharing with you.

empty

July 2010 | Buffalo City Resort

This picture isn't the best quality, but it shows how Joe really loved to spend summers.  He has his swimming trunks on from the fun during the day, and is now getting to share his voice with everyone throughout the night.  This particular weekend, his brother and family from Mankato were in town.  Earlier this day, he got to take them out on the river - he loved taking people out on the river and giving them a fun time.  He had his little niece sitting on his lap helping him drive the boat - that really brought sparkle in his eyes and a smile to his lips - something I know he hoped to do with our daughter.  He was planning on buying a new boat this spring and going out as a family this summer.  Well, there were a lot of things we were planning on, that I have been thinking about a lot lately... Like hanging the flat screen on the wall, for example - so we could actually play the record player instead of hoisting the tv off of it and setting it on the floor.  (that is just one small random thing that doesn't mean that much, but everything means a lot to me)  When I think about these things that we were planning on, like when I hung the infant life jacket that we bought in her closet, I get the emptiest feeling I have ever felt deep deep in my stomach - well, actually, I think it may be an empty feeling in my entire torso - like nothing is there.... like the deepest breath I take isn't going to fill, let alone reach, my lungs.
I have to take a few very deep breaths and ask God to please help me through this moment - and of course, he always does. 
I turn the following verse into a personalized prayer for myself:  "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10
P.S.  I could really use some sun!

the red carpet

 OK, so it isn't the red carpet - it is the red Jeep - but it was our red carpet.  Yes, I still have it, yes I am going to keep it - until it drops - which is going to be a long time.  Heck, Sweet Pea may learn to drive in it!  Wouldn't that be awesome?  Wes has already asked me if he can drive it when he gets older too.  I had a great time learning to drive it (it is a manual) one winter when we were in Lewiston (making it that far (from St. Charles) wasn't that difficult) when we got a call from a friend that needed something in Winona.  Joe looked at me and said, "You ready to drive it to and around in Winona?"  Well, I had to be... It was fun, I loved it, and I still do.  He was a great teacher too - it helped that I had already had a little teaching from both my dad and Bob, but Joe awarded me my degree in stick-shiftology.  He obviously didn't enjoy it when I killed it, or was grinding it in reverse, but he always had a crooked smile on his face and gave a little chuckle.  Once the weather gets nicer (the heat doesn't work that great) I will drive it - give me a wave if you see it around town!  This morning I met a truck pulling 3 snowmobiles on a trailer, yep I cried.  At lunch we sat near a young couple with a baby, not a big deal until the dad ran outside to the car to get something for the baby - yep, I got a little sad.  Being tired from having this child growing in me induces my sadness also.  When I am full of spunk and energy, it takes a memory to get me sad - but when I am drained and tired, I'm swimming in sadness.  But, I have the knowledge and tools to get myself out of it.  thankfully

We began a new series at church today, called Countdown - we are approaching Easter...
We read from Mark, when Jesus is transfigured - he became on the outside what he already was on the inside, similar to a caterpillar finally evolving into the butterfly it was born to be.

This is deep, prepare yourself: 

"Don't copy the behavior and customs of the world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.  Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."  Romans 12:2

If that is hard for you to read, believe, and want to do, your feeling is normal - it is hard for us to not conform to the worldly behaviors around us, but what is truly important in life?  What the world thinks of us or what God thinks of us?  Remember, at some point, we will leave the world - or, the world may leave us; however, God will never leave us and we will never leave God.

Maybe you still have a veil over your eyes, obstructing your view of God and what this life is really about?

"All of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord.  And the Lord - who is the Spirit - makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image."  2 Corinthians 3:18

"Long ago God spoke many times and in many ways to our ancestors through the prophets.  And now in these final days, he has spoken to us through his Son.  God promised everything to the Son as an inheritance, and through the Son he created the universe.  The Son radiates God's own glory and expresses the very character of God, and he sustains everything by the mighty power of his command.  When he had cleansed us from our sins, he sat down in the place of honor at the right hand of the majestic God in heaven."  Hebrews 1:1-3

last words are lasting words, so I leave you with today's reading from Jesus Calling:

I am leading you, step by step, through your life.  Hold My hand in trusting dependence, letting Me guide you through this day.  Your future looks uncertain and feels flimsy - even precarious.  That is how it should be.  Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret things.  When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are Mine.  This, like all forms of worry, is an act of rebellion: doubting My promises to care for you.

Whenever you find yourself worrying about the future, repent and return to Me.  I will show you the next step forward, and the one after that, and the one after that.  Relax and enjoy the journey in My Presence, trusting Me to open up the way before you as you go.

video games

Sweet Pea potentially only has 12 weeks left until revealing her beautiful face to us... I hope she decides to come sooner than later - I could deal with having her on Mother's Day!  She isn't letting me sit as long in one position as I'd like anymore... and she isn't giving my stomach much room to eat all of the yummy food i want to eat.  I think she might actually make my belly button pop soon too.

 Today's photo comes to you from Steph's house on January 7, 2011 - we had eaten at Jenpachi for Cindy's birthday, and were now hanging out at Steph's.  Dad took this picture. :-)  See how thrilled Joe looks to have his picture taken - ha!  This was in the prime of my weight loss - he was such a sweet husband through my Weight Watchers - he wanted it for me just as much as I did, he was super supportive too - he would help me with my proportions and making good choices.  Speaking of both Joe and dad, they were both in my dream last night - it was strange.  I'm not sure where we were, but Joe and dad both fell asleep in chairs watching tv in the living room - I was in our bedroom, but I went to get Joe.  He came into the bedroom with me, and started playing video games.  Soon, I heard my dad walking around calling for someone - I'm not sure who, it was inaudible in my dream.  Then when I went and asked him what he was doing he was like "i'm kinda lost" - then when I went back in with Joe, I snuggled into his arm pit and he wrapped his arms around me so he could get both hands on the controller to play his game.  In my dream, I was super annoyed that he had to be playing his game - when I woke up, this made me mad.  We actually did that quite often - I just so enjoyed being in his presence, and knew he didn't have that much free time to play his game, so I would snuggle up with him on the couch and just lay there while he played his game.  Sometimes I was even able to fall asleep in his arms - he was such a great guy.

Psalm 62:1

I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken.

Chinese Cabbage

so, apparently this is what she looks like now ... but her eyes now have eyelashes!  i'm hoping she got joe's long beautiful ones, not my shorties!  she is 2 1/4 pounds and almost 15" long.  i had a nightmare that the doctor told me she already weighed 12 pounds.  ha!

I woke up in an extreme missing mood.  I had a dream that I was able to go back to that day and prevent the accident.  But the next day, a beloved family member died, since Joe didn't, we had to lose the other person.  So, I saw and was talking to Joe in my dream - when I woke up it seemed so stinkin' real, and just the reminder that it wasn't brought back the extreme missing feeling this morning.  And, by saying that I saw and was talking to him, I don't mean that "he came to me in my dreams" or anything cooky, it was just that I dreamt about him...

Here he is, July 2010, in our Church Avenue apartment in Saint Charles.  Just laying around, enjoying each other - what we did most of the time.  I had probably just got a new camera, and made him be my model (just an excuse to take pictures of him). :-)  There is one that I took right after this that he begged and begged me to delete off of the camera (he is making a super goofy face), that I still have and will keep just between him and I (and perhaps our daughter), treasuring forever.

I have always had a spending and shopping problem which Joe helped me with a lot.  He was very smart with his money, and only spent money that he had in his wallet or checking account, and only on things he needed.  Did you know that he saved up $1,000 to buy the brown bomber (our boat)?  This was something Christ-like about him.  In Luke 14:28, Jesus says "But don't begin until you count the cost.  For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it?"  We need to be sure that we are going to be able to have enough money to finish what we start - "Otherwise, you might complete only the foundation before running out of money, and then everyone would laugh at you.  They would say, 'There's the person who started that building and couldn't afford to finish it!'"  Luke 14:29-30

If you ever have anything to say, or something that comes to your mind after reading, please comment.. It is more than welcome.  Tonight is Celebrate Recovery, let me know if you'd like to go!!

how are you?

My new answer is: "I'm okay because 'I can do anything through Christ, who gives me strength.'" Philippians 4:13

Today's picture is from the same mini-vacation as yesterday's.  We are eating at Hell's Kitchen in Minneapolis.  Not the best picture, but I tried.  We would enjoy each getting a fancy drink and sharing them whenever we would go to a place like this... Even though the drink was usually more than the cheeseburger we ordered for our meal.  We were good for cheeseburgers and fancy drinks.  Gosh we had a lot of fantastic times.  Like I have said before, I am so sad that there will be no more; however, I am ecstatically happy that I got to experience all of those moments with him.

I stayed in bed all day today except for when I came to the couch about a half hour ago.  I have some sort of sinus crap going on... It is really icky, perhaps I will go in tomorrow if I don't feel any better in the morning. 

I'm going to get up and go out tonight for a worship night at church, I'm really excited to soak it in.  Cindy will be here in about an hour to pick me up, I suppose I should brush my hair and get dressed. 

A neighbor that I never met, but Joe did, came over today to express his condolences and give me his and his fiance's phone numbers, in case I need anything.  He works out of town and is gone for a month at a time, and said he just got back and heard.  That was sweet and comforting, they are right across the street in case I have any immediate needs.

Have you seen Footloose?  Do you remember when he is presenting to the city council and he reads from the Bible about there being a time to dance?  It was also made into a song... Well, I want to share the beginning of that section: "For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.  A time to be born and a time to die."  Ecclesiastes 3:1-2  As hard as this is to swallow, it is the truth.  Going through all of the "what if"s and "why me"s and even thinking about people that wouldn't have left so many things behind, just puts us deeper into a dark hole.  People may try to say "I just keep thinking, why couldn't it have been so-and-so, he wouldn't be a good father, and Joe really would have been."  Dark thoughts like that are not actually comforting... Maybe for a second I agree, but it is not the truth, and it is unhealthy.  We have been told, there is a time to be born and a time to die - we do not get to choose those times.

Isaiah 40:31 describes what I am living for and holding on to: "But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.  They will soar high on wings like eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not faint."

Facebook actually had something I enjoyed and thought it really related to me...

Just because I laugh a lot, doesn't mean my life is easy.

Just because I have a smile on my face every day, doesn't mean that something is not bothering me.

I just choose to move on, and not dwell on all the negatives in my life.

Every new moment gives me the chance to renew anew.

I choose to be that.

I have some guilt when I laugh, smile, and try to move on... but I can't do that to myself.

Through your trials, what do you choose?

Millenium

Today our family said good bye to our beloved Joey.  He would have been 12 years old this summer, and he has been in the family since he was less than two months old.  His health was failing, and it was a painful, sad decision for my sister and her husband.  He was a grateful companion and I am thankful we were close... He spent a lot of time sleeping in my lap and begging for my food.

I read of two other losses today - one of a 16 year old boy that took his own life and another of an 18 year old boy that died "unexpectedly" - I am assuming tragic.  I am praying for the families and friends of these two young men... Something that we shouldn't have to go through, and a time when we really need to realize how much we are loved and cared for by God - and that he is our strength, hope, peace, and light.  It is very hard to see in troubling times, but I can say from multiple experiences that it is the truth... the only truth.

My work decision has been finalized - I am on leave until next school year.  My paycheck will be affected; however, my health insurance will not, which is the necessity.  I need this time for my health and Sweet Pea's health.  I have twice as less energy as I did pre-widowhood.  Today I got up about 7, had my morning prayer time, showered, went to church to volunteer, went to lunch and some errand-running with mom, and I was ready to drop (I did for about 45 minutes) by 4:00.  There is no way I could be working right now.  I would have to get up at least an hour earlier than I did and I wouldn't even by home by 4.  So, I need to do it to protect myself (and I do have "the crud" now), my baby, and it is also best for my students.  If I went back in the current shape I am in, I would not be the teacher and case manager that they (and their parents and general education teachers) need me to be.

I am going to share with you again from Jesus Calling - this is just such an amazing devotional, I can't keep it to myself...
You need Me every moment.  Your awareness of your constant need for Me is your greatest strength.  Your neediness, properly handled, is a link to My Presence.  However, there are pitfalls that you must be on guard against: self-pity, self-preoccupation, giving up.  Your inadequacy presents you with a continual choice - deep dependence on Me, or despair.  The emptiness you feel within will be filled either with problems or with My Presence.  Make Me central in your conscious by praying continually: simple, short prayers flowing out of the present moment.  Use My Name liberally, to remind you of My Presence.  Keep on asking and you will receive, so that your gladness may be full and complete.

In John 16:24, Jesus tells us to "ask, using my name, and you will receive, and you will have abundant joy."
When I pray, I try not to just ask for things - I praise God, confess to Him, thank Him, and then ask Him for things... Some things I have asked for and gotten recently - peaceful sleep, painless pregnancy, answers about work, being able to have energy to do things around the house, and just being able to go on living in general.  In spite of my painful circumstance, God is giving me things to be thankful for daily.

Sweet Pea is approaching 28 weeks quickly here, I can't wait to meet her, name her, hold her, and tell her all about her daddy and her grandpa.  A quick fact about her is that her brain is very active - she is going to be one smart cookie! 
I can feel her a LOT lately, and it is so cool!!

April 2010 | Minneapolis | One of our many mini vacations.  We went to Minneapolis and stayed at the Millennium Hotel, walked around downtown, ate at Hell's Kitchen, drank Boones Farm in our hotel room, swam (well, played) in the pool, sat in the hot tub, and even sat in the sauna (for like 30 seconds).  Joe actually poured water on the rocks in the sauna - it was steamingly funny.  So, anyways, about this picture... This church was just down the block from our hotel, and we instantly fell in love with this statue and had to take a picture so we could share it with everyone. 
Make sure to look closely at the details.

trust and thankfulness

December 2009 | Church Ave Apt in St. Charles | This was our 2009 Christmas Card photo - my short hair - yowch!  Joe was sweet for letting me put together Christmas cards and send them out, it was a little silly, being a non-married couple with no children, but he did it because he knew it made me happy - the reason he did most of the things he did during our time together.  He often had to take the self portraits of us too, for whatever reason he could always get a better shot of us than I could.  I was so lucky.

Trust and thankfulness - two things difficult for me right now...
Today's reading from Jesus Calling:

Trust and thankfulness will get you safely through this day.  Trust protects you from worrying and obsessing.  Thankfulness keeps you from criticizing and complaining: those "sister sings" that so easily entangle you. 

Keeping your eyes on Me is the same thing as trusting Me.  It is a free choice that you must make thousands of times daily.  The more you choose to trust Me, the easier it becomes.  Thought patterns of trust become etched into your brain.  Relegate troubles to the periphery of your mind, so that I can be central in your thoughts.  thus you focus on Me, entrusting your concerns into My care.

Colossians 2:6-7

And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him.  Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him.  Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, ad you will overflow with thankfulness.

1 Peter 5:7

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

I invite you to a praise and worship night this Thursday from 7 to 8:30 at PV - even if you come at 8:20, you will get a lot out of it - or if you can come at 7 only for a few moments - or any time in between.  It will be a great night... informal, come and go, all ages.  I definitely look forward to it!

Post 51

Today was a nice day - spent the afternoon with my mom, sisters, and Andrea.  We had a delicious lunch at the Waterfront and some tasty ice cream at The Pearl afterwards - very nice!!
Now home for some couch time... My grief and sadness doubles at this time, when I am tired and worn out from a long day... But I do enjoy being alone to let it all out.  I really like being home too - it comforts me to be in our home.
Today's picture is from August 6, 2010, the day after we got engaged... Sitting at our favorite booth at our favorite little cafe, Del's, in Saint Charles.  We had many meals there, usually feeling like outcasts, since most of the patrons were over the age of 80, sitting alone, drinking coffee and reading the paper; however, we enjoyed our trips to the little joint.  I miss his hands.........

Why do we worry about little things in life?  The little things don't matter?  What matters is our salvation and eternity... Luke 10: 41-42 - "but the Lord said to her, "My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details (she was upset that she was doing all of the cooking and her sister was sitting with Jesus)!  There is only one thing worth being concerned about.  Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her."

Three Months to Baby!

Happy Birthday to my mom today!!
Today marks 3 months to Sweet Pea's due date!!
She made me a little light headed this morning, again like the day I was making crafts with the kiddos at my mom's house ... but we made it through. :-)

Love

Do you have love in your life?  Where does this love come from?  Who or what fills up your love tank?  Does your love tank ever get empty and leave you feeling bitter, annoyed, and spouting out at people?  I'm sure you have heard that Jesus loves you, but did you know that God loves you - and that he loves you just as much as he loves his one and only son, Jesus?  Yep - he does.  In John 17:23 Jesus tells us, "May they (us) experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you (God) sent me and that you (God) love them (us) as much as you (God) love me." 
In 1 John 4: 7-21, John the Apostle tells us how and why to love one another. 
1 John 4:7
Who should we love? "Dear friends, let us continue to love on another"  Where does love come from?  "for love comes from God."  Who loves?  "Anyone who loves is a child of God"  What does that show?  "and knows God."
1 John 4:8
What if I don't love?  What if I don't know God?  "But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love."
1 John 4:9
Has God showed me love?  "God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world"  Why would he do that?  "so that we might have eternal life through him."
1 John 4:10
"This is real love - not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son"  Why did he send him?  "as a sacrifice to take away our sins."
1 John 4:11
What does this mean for me?  "Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other."
1 John 4:12
But I've never seen God, how can I believe?  "No one has ever seen God.  But if we love each other, God lives in us"  How do I show love?  "and his love is brought to full expression in us."
1 John 4:13
Is there proof?  "And God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us."
1 John 4:14
"Furthermore, we have seen with our own eyes and now testify that the Father sent his Son to be the Savior of the world."
1 John 4:15
How do I get to have God and the Spirit in me?  "All who confess that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God."
1 John 4:16
What is the point of this?   "We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love.  God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them."
1 John 4:17
How do I get better at loving?  "And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect."  Why does this help me?  "So we will not be afraid on the day of judgement, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world."
1 John 4:18
If I am filled with God's love, why am I still afraid of life?  "Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear.  If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment"  What does this show?  "and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love."
1 John 4:19
Why, again, do we love each other?  "We love each other because he loved us first."
1 John 4:20
How do I know if people truly have God in them and show His love?  "If someone says, "I love God," but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar;"  How can I call them a liar?  "for if we don't love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see?"
1 John 4:21
Has God commanded us to do this, or is it just a suggestion for good living?  "And he has given us this command:  Those who love God must also love their Christian brothers and sisters."

Today's picture of love:

This is a Honeymoon picture - sitting on the back porch of our cabin facing Lake Michigan out one window and Green Bay out the other, with "Death's Door" straight ahead... Look it up, pretty interesting - we had fun reading about the history and how it got that name.  Our cabin was literally at the tip of the peninsula - right at the end of Highway 42, in Northport (see the pink heart on the picture below).  Like I've said before, we had a fabulous time, and this picture shows how happy we were and the love that we shared.  I miss my Joe every minute of every day and love to smell his dirty work clothes that I haven't washed yet -

Night Time

Although I'm doing pretty good falling back asleep when I wake up in the middle of the night, I am really getting sick of hearing only my breathing in bed, not being able to roll over and put my arm around him, or text him. (I wish I could text God or Joe in Heaven.) I want to say that this is so unfair, but I again, I'm not the author...

God, calm me, and help me to have a couple more peaceful, restful hours of sleep. Amen

my bodyguard

Sweet Pea and I had a pretty good day today- started with a vendor/craft fair with Grandma Edith, where I found a cute owl pillow for her room.  Then we stopped to see Wes and Madi for a bit, and then went to McDonald's for a Shamrock Shake.  When I got home, I got a lot of stuff done around the house, some organizing - I'm actually kind of excited about the laundry room.  Mom walked over later, Peg and the kids stopped over, and then Andrea came and her and I went out for supper at Golden China.  Now SP and I are home, and life gets tough at this point.  When we are tired it increases are sadness.  Doing things around the house today was ok, I can handle that, but now it is Saturday night - I am supposed to be laying on the couch or decorating the baby's room with my husband (well, according to my plan, but I did not write my book)... I know I have told you this before, but I miss him so much! I also went to Paperbacks and Pieces today and while I was perusing the shelves, there was a family in there - mom, dad, and a couple kids... At first, when the dad said something to the daughter about 'mom', I got sad - but then I remembered how wonderful I had it.  Don't be sad for me that it isn't wonderful anymore, be happy for me that it was wonderful.  Many people are in crappy relationships with kids, and yes there is both a mom and a dad, but there aren't real relationships, and love... We did have that, and as much as I wish it was still going on, I can at least be thankful that I got to experience it.

Today's picture:

My Stud Muffin

This picture is from October 2010, in the quonset celebrating Bob's 40th birthday with a surprise party.  He was getting used to, and I think at times even enjoying, being "bamboozled by the Bagniewskis" as Bob would say.  My family is uber close and we do everything together, and he had no problem being there by my side with my dad, sisters, nieces, nephew, and other family members.  He actually became very close friends with some of my cousins.  He was also close to my girlfriends, which is not something every girl can say about her husband.  He enjoyed hanging out with my friends.  He wanted to have another get-together in our garage before Sweet Pea arrived... He was really changing his priorities and was so proud of where his (our) life was headed... I still can't believe I'm writing this - really? he is gone?! no way.

Yesterday's reading in Jesus Calling included the following: "Ask Me to open your eyes, so you can find all I have prepared for you in this precious day of Life."  It is easy to close me eyes, both figuratively and literally, and not believe, accept, or want to go on... I need to remember that God is with me, protecting me from falling into despair.  Today's reading in Jesus Calling states, "I am with You.  These four words are like a safety net, protecting you from falling into despair.  Because you are human, you will always have ups and downs in your life experience.  But the promise of My Presence limits how far down you can go.  Sometimes you may feel as if you are in a free fall, when people or things you had counted on let you down.  yet as soon as you remember that I am with you, your perspective changes radically.  Instead of bemoaning your circumstances, you can look to Me for help.  You recall that not only am I with you, I am holding you by your right hand.  I guide you with My counsel, and afterward I will take you into Glory.  This is exactly the perspective you need: the reassurance of My Presence, and the glorious hope of heaven.

"In a free fall" is a good description of how I feel at times - I get really overwhelmed, tired, and sad, feeling like I am in a bottomless pit, going down, down, down.  Realizing he is not coming back.

Psalm 73: 26 "My health may fail and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever."

Zephaniah 3:17 "For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness.  With his love, he will calm all your fears.  He will rejoice over you with joyful songs."

Sweet Pea fact of the day:  She is sleeping and waking at regular intervals!

Bill & Tami Greenwood

Tonight at CR I had the privilege of hearing testimonies and new music from Bill & Tami Greenwood, and really enjoyed it... I invite you to check them out:  http://www.billgreenwood.org

God Bless you!

best friends

I picked up another book today from the church library: Hope & Help for the Widow: The Reality of Being Alone by Dr. Jan Sheble.  She begins by saying "This is a book I wish I didn't have to write and one I wish you didn't have to read." ... Isn't that the truth.  In just flipping through the book, the first bolded part that jumped out at me was: "My husband was my best friend and confidant.  Now, I have no one to share my deepest thoughts with.  My friends don't understand.  Whom can I turn to?"  This is so true for me.  I find myself talking to myself a lot when making decisions (big or small), watching tv, or especially when something silly happens that I know we would have laughed about - I absolutely hate not having him here to talk to and make decisions with.  The author goes on to say that some widows may wish their husband would have been their best friend, so I am thankful that he was and that we were that close.  I miss being able to bounce ideas off of him, I miss having him as my companion, I miss him.  Psalm 68: 4-5 sums up why I need the Lord so much right now, "Father to the fatherless, defender of the widows - this is God, whose dwelling is holy." Yep, that is me, a fatherless widow - who would have imagined?  God does indeed care that I am without my best friend, he is there for me, he will be here for me always, and I need to trust him... "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5: 7

Today's pictures:

 This is one of our engagement shots - on a beach of the Mississippi.  This really shows our 'best friend'  lifestyle.  We were just busting a gut together, something was obviously extremely funny. I'm pretty sure it was just really hard for me to sit on his lap and for him to not slide down the hill and me not to fall off with that little dress on.  See how his hand is on my knee? Yeah, I miss my best friend.

I wanted to also share a photo of my parents... Almost 11 months ago, my mom lost her best friend and confidant too.  I love this picture and how it shows how truly happy they were - just like our picture above.

In memory of my most favorite men in the world:

The world is diminished because my dad and Joe are gone ... but it is a better place because they were here.

Sweet Pea Fact of the Day:  (27 weeks today!) She is now about the same weight as a head of cauliflower! (about 2 pounds).

a simple prayer request

This morning I was asked about 'little things' that Joe did ... he did everything, it is so hard to pick apart things... but he called every morning after work when I was on my way to work, he kissed me goodbye at least two times before he left for work each night, he cooked supper, he took me on dates, he did the dishes, he put my socks on, he rubbed my back, he snuggled on the couch with me every day, he had sweet nicknames for me, he rubbed my belly, he would come hug and kiss me when I was up front singing karaoke, he would end his karaoke song with "I love you Amanda," he would weigh my food portions, he would hold my hand always - even when we were lying in bed together, he would prepare random candlelit dinners for me, he would write me a note on the back of a picture of us for me to take with on a trip without him ... there are so many more things, I think I could begin writing a book for men on how to be a wonderful husband just from having a wonderful husband. 

Today's picture ...

One of our trips up north to the Ashland/Bayfield area... We were just taking a leisurely stroll along the banks of Lake Superior.  It was a beautiful day, and when I think back to this trip, I feel like we had been together a lot longer than just a little over a year - we felt pretty comfortable together beginning towards the end of the first night we met... Not the beginning though, ha! That will be a story for another day. :)

Sweet Pea fact for today: she is 25% of her expected birth weight!

I had a conversation with work today, and my desire to come back part-time was denied.  It is either all or nothing... So, now I have to weigh all of the options and pray about it - do I go back March 1, wait until April 2, or not go back at all?  If I didn't have a commute to work and could come home at lunch time if I needed to, it wouldn't be such a hard decision... But I'm not sleeping well, and have break-downs during the day.  I'm a little nervous about going back - for my own sanity and for the education of the students I work with... I want them to have a teacher that is 100% there!!

God tells us not to judge - that includes ourselves, not just others.  When we feel guilty, we are judging ourselves... I never thought of this before.  When I feel guilty, I am doing something God tells us not to do, judging myself.  Forgiveness is an act of grace from God ... we have to have faith to accept this forgiveness.  I am thankful for my faith, how is yours?  A simple prayer can help us... "Cleanse Me, Lord from the silt of guilt."  Scripture to remember today and always, "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." - Psalm 46:1

Have a great Thursday, and if you desire, could you pray for me?  Pray that I am able to hear and choose God's will in regard to my work situation?  Thanks and God Bless.......

Strong Enough

Two days worth of devotional readings from Jesus Calling for you today:

     Give yourself fully to the adventure of today.  Walk boldly along the path of Life, relying on your ever-present Companion.  You have every reason to be confident, because My Presence accompanies you all the days of your life - and onward into eternity.  

     Do not give in to fear or worry, those robbers of abundant living.  Trust Me enough to face problems as they come, rather than trying to anticipate them.  Fix your eyes on Me, the Author and Perfecter of your faith, and many difficulties on the road ahead will vanish before you reach them.  Whenever you start to feel afraid, remember that I am holding you by your right hand.  Nothing can separate you from My Presence!

     Come to Me with all your weaknesses: physical, emotional, and spiritual.  Rest of the comfort in My Presence, remembering that nothing is impossible with Me.

     Pry your mind away from your problems so you can focus your attention on Me.  Recall that I am able to do immeasurably more than all you ask or imagine.  Instead of trying to direct Me to do this and that, seek to attune yourself to what I am already doing. 

     When anxiety attempts to wedge its way into your thoughts, remind yourself that I am your Shepherd.  The bottom line is that I am taking care of you; therefore, you needn't be afraid of anything.  Rather than trying to maintain control over your life, abandon yourself to My will.  Though this may feel frightening - even dangerous, the safest place to be is in My will.

I would like to again share Psalm 23

"The Lord is my shepherd, I have all that I need.

He lets me rest in green meadows, he leads me beside peaceful streams.

He renews my strength.

He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.  

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid for you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.

You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies.

You honor me by anointing my head with oil.

My cup overflows with blessings.

Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever."

Today's picture....

He caught the garter at Mike & Mindy's wedding! | April 2008 | Riverport Inn | He was very excited, and we had a fun night that, of course, ended with karaoke!  Each day I get the woah, what? how did this happen? huh, really?! feeling.. that feeling is almost getting larger, more painful.  I don't lay around sobbing though, because I choose not to - Joe hated it when I cried, and if you read the readings above, you can see that God is by my side and I truly believe it, and can "feel" him carrying me along.  I miss the love of my life, but I am still living and have a large beautiful job of raising our child.  Sweet Pea sat on a nerve or something today and I got lightheaded and had to quit the craft I was doing with the kids and lay down for a while - then I was SUPER tired the rest of the day too.. Today's fact: she may be able to hear my voice now!!

I want to share a song with you tonight too...
"Strong Enough" by Matthew West

You must  

     You must think I'm strong  

         To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me  

     Forgive me if I'm wrong  

         But this looks like more than I can do On my own
I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be 

     I give up  

         I'm not strong enough  

               Hands of mercy won't you cover me 

Lord right now I'm asking you to be  

     Strong enough  

         Strong enough  

              For the both of us
Well, maybe  

     Maybe that's the point  

         To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally 

     Finally at rock bottom  

         Well, that's when I start looking up  

               And reaching out
I know I'm not strong enough to be Everything that I'm supposed to be  

     I give up  

         I'm not strong enough  

              Hands of mercy won't you cover me  

Lord right now I'm asking you to be  

     Strong enough 

         Strong enough
Cause I'm broken  

     Down to nothing 

           But I'm still holding on to the one thing 

                You are God and you are strong 

                       When I am weak
I can do all things 

      Through Christ who gives me strength 

         And I don't have to be  

                Strong enough 

                      Strong enough
I can do all things 

     Through Christ who gives me strength 

         And I don't have to be 

                 Strong enough 

                      Strong enough
Oh, yeah
I know I'm not strong enough to be  

     Everything that I'm supposed to be 

         I give up 

              I'm not strong enough  

                    Hands of mercy won't you cover me 

Lord right now I'm asking you to be Strong enough 

Strong enough 

Strong enough

Happy Valentine's Day

Phew - I made it through the 13th, but now today is the 14th.  I will say the same thing I said on Facebook: 

Even though this would have been our first Valentine's Day as husband and wife, I am thankful that we weren't a big Valentine's Day couple- all of these sappy commercials aren't doing me too much harm - we didn't need Hallmark to tell us when to be loving to each other. I enjoyed the random candle light dinners Joe would have ready for me when I got home.

Today's picture ... 

One of our engagement pictures, from the fall of 2010.  This is my Valentine's Day picture to you - even though my pinky didn't do what it was supposed to do!!  The love that we had has helped carry me through, and I've been thinking about my love tank - He isn't here filling it up anymore, but it is still full because of him; however, God's love fills my love tank up constantly - so it is absolutely overflowing.  If I didn't have God's love though, the levels of my tank would get dangerously low at times, and I wouldn't be able to function.  I'm thankful that you are reading this... and I hope you aren't just 'reading' it.  I hope you would take what I say both about the wonderful relationship Joe and I had and the wonderful relationship God and I have and think, live, be thankful, take life seriously.  

A fact about Sweet Pea in this 26th week - she is going to be passing up 14" long and 2 pounds soon!  She is able to inhale, exhale, and even cry!

Some notes from church this week...
     with my thoughts.
Never doubt in the dark what God has shown you in the light.
     I struggle with this because it is so easy to be emotionally brought down as the darkness of the night (and life) comes upon us... but God's light is still there.
Trials are not meant to destroy us but to develop us.
     Hard to believe, since trials feel like they are destroying us.
Faith is a moment by moment decision, not a feeling.
     It truly is  moment by moment - every moment of every moment!
Focus on the joy God gives us in spite of our circumstances.
     In spite of my circumstances, are you kidding me?! However, if I didn't have the unexplainable joy God gives me, I would be in a padded room with 24 hour surveillance.
Anything that drives you to God is a blessing from God.
     Seriously?  It is hard to see this as a blessing... but:
God didn't cause the terrible event, but he did allow it and he will bring us through the fire turning us into gold.
     As I am immersed in the hot burning flames of this trial, God is turning me into gold.
Trials are painful but if you are patient, God will bring relief.
     Patience ... what a hard gift to unwrap and use.
If I'm doing "ok," I'm not denying my feelings, but I can live in spite of my situation with God's joy.  The happiness of the world will repeatedly bring us slowly up a mountain and quickly down, just like a roller coaster (and the safety strap may even come undone), but God's joy is constant.
     This is an area I hold guilt in - When you ask me how I am doing and I say that I am OK, do you understand how I can be doing OK?  It comes from God's joy.  I feel guilty that I am doing OK, like I should be a complete wreck - being a pregnant fatherless widow at 29... I feel like I should lie to you, or that you will think I am a bad person for being "OK". 
You can live in avoidance or acceptance - when you accept, you will grow in ways you can't even imagine.
     Acceptance - what a gigantic thought... what if I don't want to accept this?
Trials increase our endurance - DON'T QUIT - if we endure, it opens the door for what God wants in our lives.
     hmmm... what GOD wants, not what I want.
God is most present when His children are suffering. 
     I can attest to this thought.
The harder the trial, the closer He moves toward us.
     Again, I can attest to this.
To resist a trial is simply to delay failure.
     If I was in denial, it would only make this harder later on.

When we are enrolled in Graduate level courses in Character Development with God, trials are the major tests............ 

Scripture to live on today...
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.  Romans 8:28
I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy.  Psalm 116:1
So the Lord blessed Job in the second half of his life even more than in the beginning.  Job 42:12
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10