wants.

i miss joe bunches.
i miss my dad bunches.
my name is amanda and i'm a believer in jesus christ who struggles with loneliness and hopelessness... i struggle. but i'm healing.
my healing was threatened this week when i got some less than satisfying news. as you may know, joe was a donor. he donated his eyes, which each are benefiting an older man's life. he also donated much tissue and bone, all that was possible. this week, however, i found out that this tissue and bone couldn't be used, due to damage caused in his accident. wow. that was a low blow. it is going to take me some time to process this. for eight months i have been wondering how many lives he touched with his donation. this is hard to take. thankfully, even though the bone and tissue couldn't be used, God provided for his eyes to be used, so i'm not completely thrown. but my healing was definitely threatened, as this opened up some wounds, in a painful way. i want him back.
tomorrow there is another suicide prevention walk (the first being in rochester last weekend). i wish there wasn't a reason for me to go. i want him back.
joe's dad fixed up the cherokee so it would be good for djoe and i so i can sell my compass and save money. he is so kind. i am so grateful for him and his willingness to help us out. i knew the day was coming when it would be sitting in my driveway. tonight when i pulled up it was here. i have been so excited to get this back. did i think joe would be with it? hmmm. i sat in my compass and cried for a bit before i could get out. i am proud to drive it. i already put djoe's car seat in it, ready to drive it tomorrow. then i plan to clean it out. keep it clean. make both of them proud. my dad always kept his vehicles very clean.
i didn't get married to be a widow.
i didn't get pregnant to be a single mom.
everything that happens to me first gets filtered through God's hands.
He will help me through.
He is helping me through.
i'm growing, not going, through these tragedies.
God trusted me to be a single parent to one of his children - wow. cool. i'm going to give it all i've got.
here she is, our little sweet pea, four months old:

50% mom + 50% dad = `100% me

who do you think she looks like?

wow - 5 years ago... we were so young! the day before my 25th birthday!