This is the day of our surprise engagement party... As always, Madi would only ever sit still if she was on Joe's lap. She enjoyed running around and didn't sit much - Joe's lap was usually the only one she would sit in for longer than 5 seconds, and he loved it.
I just spent about 20 minutes looking through pictures on my computer and that brought a lot of tears. I miss Joe so much and I'm so sad. Thankfully, because of God I'm not in a constant state of extreme sadness. I am able to do things that I need to do each day, and am not lying in bed swimming in my tears 24/7. I could just stare at pictures of him, running my finger over them, kissing them, all day. I can smile because of how happy he made me, but I cry a lot and hard because I lost him, and the way I thought and wanted my life to go is over. I hate getting in these slumps, and I think that they are partly brought on my pregnancy hormones. I have alot going on in my mind right now - i miss my dad, i miss joe, i'm 8 months pregnant - about to be a single mom - that is not why i got pregnant - i didn't get pregnant so i could raise a child on my own - sometimes i'm so mad - yes, i said it - joe and i got married and pregnant to start a family together - two key words - start, meaning this is just the beginning with more to come... and together, meaning with each other. now, both of those pieces that I planned and thought I could control are gone - when i get so far down like this, i need to talk to God, pray to Him, ask Him for help....... Heavenly Father, I adore you for all of creation, for your never-changing unconditional love, for your wisdom and for sharing that wisdom with us. God, I confess to being angry at you for the way my life has gone. I confess to wanting to control my life. I confess to these things, and ask for your forgiveness. God I thank you for having me be born into a wonderful family, and all of the wonderful years I had with my dad and everything I was able to learn from him... I thank you for bringing Joe and I together, our great relationship, and for our child... I thank you for the miracle of our Sweet Pea that you are knitting together in my womb... I thank you for your grace, love, mercy, and peace - each of which I would not be able to go on each day without, and I pray for continuance of this especially in these days where reality is coming into focus - I pray for you to hold me in your arms and pull me out of this despair I am in. I pray for myself to allow you to put my broken heart back together, daily if necessary. I pray for guidance and wisdom in my last month of pregnancy and in beginning my adventure as a mom. I pray to know your will for my life, and that I do not try to control what is not mine to control. God I love you and I pray all of this in your holy name....... Amen.
Philippians 1:9-11
I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return. May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation—the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ—for this will bring much glory and praise to God.
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