the last kiss.

three months ago today - Thursday, January 12th, 2012 - this morning i received my second to last morning phone call from the love of my life, my joseph stanley gillett.  we are looking forward to Jenpachi on saturday for Cindy's birthday - we are also looking forward to the Gillett Christmas at the Metropolis in Eau Claire Feb 4-5.  we also have a doctor appointment to check up on Sweet Pea Monday morning!  we are under a winter weather advisory, and the storm is supposed to give us up to 7 inches of snow by the end of today...by the end of the day we will actually have 5 inches, and Cochrane will have 3.5 - Joe will get the snowblower out and clean us up, he always did his husbandly duties.  after work today i went to babies r us to look around at the clearance clothes and i got these super cute newborn jeggings - they are so little! i also got a cute little pink skirt with a purple skull on it- Joe loves that.  i'm big into selling things on facebook right now- making room for sweet pea, getting rid of purses, wallets, shoes, clothes, jewelry - anything i can.  when i get home from work tonight joe is going to hop in with me to make a delivery ... cute, he has his pj pants on with his snow boots :)  for supper we will have homemade shake n bake chicken breasts (that he was going to make, but i did instead because he was outside snowblowing), mac & cheese, and a veggie.  with all of this snow, he has asked if i would be mad if he go snowmobiling tomorrow - of course i wouldn't be mad! in fact, i'd rather he go tomorrow instead of wanting to go saturday, since we have plans for Cindy's birthday on saturday. 

that was the last day i saw him alive.  the last kiss.  the last hug.  the last supper.  the last look into his glistening eyes.  i believe our days are numbered and God knows what he is doing, but i can't help but wonder sometimes - what if it wouldn't have snowed?  - what if i would have said 'no, don't go' when he asked?  the crazy thing is i had sent him a text that said "i don't want you to die" or something like that and he said "i'm not planning on it"  why would i say that? i was always so worried about snowmobiling and safety - but he always seemed to be the safest one of the bunch... holy crap, i miss him.  he is in my dreams almost every night - but they are better dreams than they used to be... not disturbing or disorienting ones.  i hope that i and all of our families and friends can make sure that this little girl knows how much her daddy already loved her when she was just a little pea in my belly - how ecstatic he was on December 19th when we saw her during our ultrasound and he heard the magical words, "It's a girl."  How excited he was on Christmas Eve morning when he felt her move in my belly.  I'm so sad that life didn't go how I wanted it... but it just proves to me that we don't control the world.  we were so excited to parent together, to grow old together, to share memories of my dad with her - now it is going to be sharing memories of my dad and her dad. maybe someday her and i will have a boat and enjoy summer days on the river... this summer we will go to the lakeview as long as it is during her waking hours - we will take either the Cherokee or the Dodge.  i need to represent Joe and do things that we would have done and that he would have wanted her to experience.

i had to take a quick break and play a game of spider solitaire to let my eyes dry up a little. ugh. this is so tough, but if you read yesterday's post's scripture, you know how I am continuing to go on and look towards the future.  there is both bad grief and good grief... "bad grief stays in a tunnel with no light, and good grief is in a tunnel but it sees a light, or at least believes light exists" (Lutzer, E & R, 2011).  today i'm going to share with you two verses regarding peace, the peace i feel, that peace that is pulling me up out of the darkness - or pulling me through the dark tunnel...  John 14:27: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."  Philippians 4:7: "The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  I love that - this peace is guarding my heart and my mind. 

Today is not a 1 picture day - actually, I have 27 here to share.  They may have been posted previously, but I just went through one of my albums and selected all of the pictures of us together, I love looking at them all and swimming in the happiness we had together.  I'm not going to try to give dates, but I will do my best on locations and who we were with or what was going on...

 Church Avenue apartment in Saint Charles with Bud, Karen, and Amy

 Slippery's in Wabasha (via boat) - just the two of us

 Red Wing hotel room - just the two of us

 Red Wing pottery place - just the two of us.

 Cochrane Inn - with classmates after Krista's wake

 Westfield Golf Course - Amy & Tom's wedding

 Buffalo City Resort probably after a day on the river

 Cindy & Bob's Heights Blvd house for Christmas

 Spur Lane - Thanksgiving

 in the back of Ron's Grand Cherokee on the way back from Eau Claire (I lost an earring!:()

Holiday Inn Rochester New Years Eve

not sure

 Whitewater State Park - just the two of us

 I think Kentucky, on our way to Virginia - just the two of us.

 for sure Kentucky - just the two of us (holy bad hair)

 Peggy and Jake's house for someone's birthday

 road side stop between here and Virginia - just the two of us

 Virginia - with Megan

 Winona Bowl New Year's Eve with Amy, Tom, Mindy, Mike, and Karen

 Tomah hotel - just the two of us.

 Mike & Mindy's wedding (obviously having a BLAST)

 Winona Bowl New Year's Eve with Amy, Tom, Mindy, Mike, and Karen

 i think this is actually in a Winona hotel - we would do that sometimes when i lived in Roch and he in BC

 Burnstad's Market in Tomah WI - just the two of us

 Cindy & Bob's Heights Blvd house - for Andrea's birthday and/or Father's Day

 Oakview Drive apartment in Saint Charles before I left for Las Vegas

Heavenly Father, thank you for your peace, the peace that guards my heart and my mind.  Thank you for all of the amazing memories I have with Joe and the pictures that will never let those memories be erased, and for our baby growing in my womb.  I pray for you to guide me in all that I do today, and to be with all of those reading this right now.  Amen.