I took the day off of work today, I've been really tired lately and had some stuff I'd like to do around the house. Mom came over and we did some things together. I remember the moment when Joe woke up and saw my mom helping me do something simple - he came in the laundry room where we were sitting, gave me that 'aw, my sweetie.. but really? you are having your mom help you with that?' smile, a hug, and a kiss on the forehead. I've said this before, but he did that all the time and I loved it and really miss those. We took advantage of the extra time together today and decided to go to a 4:00 movie: "Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol". We hadn't been to a movie in a long time, and I think this is the first time we ever went during the week. Odd for us, but I am so thankful that we did this - I truly believe that was a blessing God gave me - having one last perfect date night. We had our large buttered popcorn, large cherry coke, and were the only ones in the theater. It was so special. We did have supper before the movie, which was kind of early, but we knew that we would have popcorn at the movie and that when we got home it would be time for Joe to go back to bed. We had "tacos" and tator tots. I say "tacos" because we didn't have any lettuce, salsa, or cheese - so it was just taco flavored meat and sour cream in a tortilla... we laughed at it, it was fun. ... the movie and the silly tacos - blessings in disguise. I had no idea how important those ticket stubs and the taco memory would be to me.
Thinking of these last days is good for me, I think.. it is making me very emotional, but I think is helping me get a good grip on (or at least think about) reality. Take the bathroom for example... his toothbrush is still in it's holder, 'his' scissors is still in 'his' drawer with little facial hairs on it (I almost used it the other day but put it back...), the last washcloth he used is still there, his soap and loofa are still in the shower, his shaving cream, shaver, deodorant, lotion and cologne are still in the cupboard, among other things... sometimes I wonder why - I'm not fooling myself, thinking he is coming back... I know it isn't that... maybe it comforts me? makes me feel like he is still with me? He was such a part of me, we were so connected, truly "one" like a marriage is supposed to be - maybe it is like I feel like if I get rid of that stuff that it would feel like someone removed half of my brain? or an arm? leg? heart? lots of things I think about daily. Is it unhealthy to keep it? Would it be therapeutic to remove it? His clothes are a different story - I can wear those once I am back to a normal size (well, his tops but not likely his pants), and they can be a part of my daily life - not something I am just holding on to. Well, I guess the same could go for his toiletries too? I could use his soap, deodorant, etc. - if I wanted to smell like a guy that is. I do occasionally just smell them to bring back memories (I loved the smell of his fresh deodoranted armpits). I think I might be ready to talk to some other widows about their experiences - especially younger, pregnant ones like me. I have contact information for three, but wasn't feeling the need to speak with them yet - maybe I could just bounce ideas off of them, listen to their stories, share mine...
This feels like a good journal entry, truly releasing some emotions. For some reason it is even more helpful to me to know that you are reading this right now, and it isn't just in a notebook in a drawer. Two days from today is Friday the 13th - the second of the year, the first of which I lost my husband on, three months ago. yowch. There is the saying that "you don't know what you've got till its gone" .. but I saw something on Facebook once that says, "you knew what you had, you just didn't think you'd lose it." - that is where I am.
God's answer to us for the tough questions in our daily lives comes from Jesus' words in Mark 10:27: "Jesus looked at them intently and said, 'Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But not with God. Everything is possible with God.'" That is how I survive daily - everything is possible with God, you just have to let Him in and let Him help you. He is knocking at your door waiting for an answer.
7.18.2010 | Mississippi River Pool 5
Joe loved it when there were children in his family in Buffalo City for the weekend... He loved to take them out on the river to give them a fun experience- and for a few, their first river experience. He especially loved this trip he got to take his niece Katie on. She loved the boat ride and he even let her drive! There are some videos from this day (thank you Cari), that are hard to watch, but I am very grateful for... just wish we could make more of those memories.
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