jonah

I'm getting my first big wave of emotion - I know that it is going to come in waves, i'll feel pretty good for a while and then have a horrible day or two, or perhaps a week.  i say first, but i know that in the past i could go for a week and have a horrible day and then repeat that cycle - well i've been 'okay' for maybe a few weeks now, but tonight is the first time i am actually having a hard time looking at pictures - it is so very painful at this moment.  this wave was probably brought on by my receiving the accident report.  i read it yesterday in what must have been a state of total numbness - i didn't even cry.  but the more the words from the papers flowed through my mind over and over, it is now making my eyes sting and feel dried out.  it is just like repeating jan 13 all over again.  the 2nd worst day of my life.  it is also much worse and harder when i don't fill myself up with God's love, which I only did a little bit during my morning prayer time (after which I went back to bed for about 3 hours).  this is all just so unbelievable to me and becoming more real each day.  i am okay waiting for God to bring my baby into this world when both she and I are completely ready, but man do i need the next part of my life to start.  i'm so sad but i'm not the kind of person that gets sad and calls on people to come hold me - not yet anyways.  i'd rather cry on my own - i feel like i am with God, Joe, and my dad when I am alone.  plus, I am still stuck in the "if I can't have Joe, I don't want anyone" time of my life... I mean, that is what happens when you let someone become your everything... he was my everything, and sometimes when I am in my lowest of lows I feel like I have nothing... and I don't want people to feel sorry for me or feel like they need to come to my side - i will probably push them away.  no hug is comparable to a joe hug.  no kiss is comparable to a joe kiss.  no smile is comparable to a joe smile.  no car ride is comparable to a car ride with joe.  no dinner is comparable to a dinner with joe.  no grocery shopping trip is comparable to a grocery shopping trip with joe.  since i can't have him, i'd rather do it myself now.  it is going to take a while for me to get out of this, so please be patient with me. i sure hope he knew how i felt, that i felt this way about him.  i'm pretty sure he did... on my way home tonight i heard a new song - yet another that seems to fit my life perfectly...  I'm currently stuck in the beginning of the song, but I know that the ending of the song will come true again soon.

Lay it Down
by Jaci Velasquez
I've been looking till my eyes are tired of looking
Listening till my ears are numb from listening
Praying till my knees are sore from kneeling
On the bedroom floor

I know that You know that my heart is aching
I'm running out of tears and my will is breaking
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore

All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are slowly slipping through my folded hands

So I'm gonna lay it down, I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up, I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go, I'm gonna lay it down

I've been walking through this world like I'm barely living
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been digging
But you're pulling me out and I'm finally breathing
In the open air

This room may be dark but I'm finally seeing
There's a new ray of hope and now I'm believing
That the past is the past and the future's beginning
To look brighter now

'Cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

So I'm gonna lay it down, I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up, Your love, Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go, I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down, I'm gonna lay it down

This morning we read the book of Jonah.  I have known the story but never actually read it out of the Bible...  I feel a little like Jonah did
Jonah 2: 5-9
“I sank beneath the waves,
and the waters closed over me.
Seaweed wrapped itself around my head.
I sank down to the very roots of the mountains.
I was imprisoned in the earth,
whose gates lock shut forever.
But you, O Lord my God,
snatched me from the jaws of death!
As my life was slipping away,
I remembered the Lord.
And my earnest prayer went out to you
in your holy Temple.
Those who worship false gods
turn their backs on all God’s mercies.
But I will offer sacrifices to you with songs of praise,
and I will fulfill all my vows.
For my salvation comes from the Lord alone.”
Sometimes I hated doing the same thing weekend after weekend  -  it was getting old.  going out on the river to drink all day and then going to the bar and feeling like crap the next day.  but, looking at us standing side by side here - next to our boat - that he labeled 'lovebirds' on the back - makes me miss it and wish i was going to be doing it every single weekend for the rest of my life.  time for my {safe} sleeping pill and hopefully a restful night of sleep!

i love you and miss you so much Joe  ~  more and more each day.