Wow - what? this has actually happened? I am going to bed tonight, for the 11th night, as a widow... a pregnant widow. me? no, you must have the wrong jomanda... I miss my love so much it hurts, as if i am missing a part of my body, and I am not sure I have many more tears left in me. Just a few months ago I would comment on how perfect my life would be if only my dad were still here - married to my best friend, cute little house near family, good job, and already expecting! wow, I was in a fantastic spot. Now what - my life would be perfect if i still had my dad and my husband? how can this even be possible? far, far from perfect.
this is all God's reminder that our time on Earth is so minimal compared to our eternal life with Him... but man, it sucks right now.
i took care of some business today, including depositing the overwhelming amount of support we have been given - what a blessing, the teller that happened to be open at the time we arrived lost her husband when she was 27 years old (she is probably in her 50's now) and had much compassion and empathy for me, even coming out from behind the counter and giving me a hug... then we had some leisure time downtown and ate at Cha Chis (is that what it is called?) - Sweet Pea didn't like that much, I don't think we will be going back there... then landed back on mom's couch. I need to go home. As hard as it is going to be, I need to go home - and, perhaps, it will be comforting to be among Joe's things. Staying here has been great, don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my mom, but it is just prolonging necessary grieving. again... is joe just on vacation? will he be there when i get home? no - what a flabbergasting thought. how could it be? everything in life was so so so sweet and wonderful.
if i would have known, would i have done anything different? the only thing i would have done would be to have answered him "YES" when he asked if i would be mad if he went snowmobiling that day. but i couldn't, he was so excited... other than that - no, our marriage was wonderful, and we made the most of every moment of every day... and those are the moments i am treasuring so close.
i am doing my best to stay in the moment and not think about the future we were planning - we were working on finishing up our laundry room... trying to get the garage door programmed... prepping for parenthood... i guess the doctor will cut the cord now, when i asked joe if he wanted to, he said "well, of course!"... my mom will be attending my birthing class with me in April, the one Joe and i had chosen to attend just the week before... he had also been reassuring me that whenever i felt like it was 'time' that i could just call him at work and he would be right home - now that is all gone, and i'm a bit confused, but working through the confusion. strange, i can't even believe i am writing this - is it real?
by the way - if you have been following my lost key 'catastrophe,' I just had my Jeep towed over to Chrysler today so they can order and program me a new one... I'm sure they will turn up somewhere, but then I will have the extra set i should have always had.
tonight's scripture verse: Psalm 68:5 (NLT) "Father to the fatherless, defender of the widows - this is God, whose dwelling is holy."
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