it is finished

i just turned my paper in!
wahoo!
excited to get it graded and be awarded my Master's degree! (hopefully)

i'm at one of those moments in my life again where i feel like i just heard the news... like it just happened. sometimes i feel like i lost my dad then lost joe the very next day. and now our daughter is almost 7 months old. she has been living longer than we were married. we were married for 6 months, 3 weeks, and 5 days.  she is now 6 months, 3 weeks, and 6 days old. and boy have those last 6 months gone fast.  she can now sit up pretty good. not perfect, but perfect for now. she has eaten peas, pears, carrots, and avocado. if it were up to her, she would sample everything that i eat and drink, but i want her to get a good taste for veggies and fruits, then lean proteins ... before junk.  being solely responsible for her well-being is stressful for me.  it may sound appealing to some who have a hard time making decisions with their spouse/parental partner, but having to make decisions is difficult when you are the one responsible for everything.  i would like to put her in a bubble, but i don't think that would be socially appropriate! (lotis) i still have one hamper full of joe's dirty work clothes. they have been there for almost a year now. maybe i will wash them one of these days. it hurts so bad to know they will never be in that hamper again, dirty from rtp's black hole.  i'm not sure when i will go through things in the garage.  as far as i'm concerned, it can stay just how it is. things can be done as needed. i am in no hurry at all to clean, organize, nothing... maybe i will set a goal of having it presentable by DJoe's first birthday, so she can have her party out there if we have nice weather... that gives me just a little over 5 months, i think i can handle that... maybe.  because of buying my engagement ring and wrap, joe was in the diamond club through the jewelry store... because of that he receives a coupon for $50 off $100 once a year for three years.  Last year he bought me my Christmas present with it - the beautiful bracelet with a heart charm he had engraved "Forever My Love" - upon which I have added thumbprint charms for both him and my dad, as well as a charm with DakotaJoe's name on it... Well, another came in the mail this year, and I just used it.  Joe helped buy me a ring to honor our daughter with.  It is an emerald (her birthstone) and diamond ring, and I love it (thanks honey!) ... There will be another coupon coming in the mail next year, looking forward to that gift from him also.  the jeep is fixed, it needed a new alternator.  i thought i would love driving it, and sometimes i do, but i think it is making me miss joe even more, and gives me a lump in my throat every time i get in, realizing that he is not here to drive it... or fix it.. or anything. joe's dad wants it, and i think i will be ready to give it up sooner than i thought.  i'm torn. thinking of not having it breaks my heart, but getting in it every day breaks my heart too. knowing that it is still in the family and maybe i could drive it once in a while would be helpful (therapeutic?) though... i might be getting talked into purchasing a mini van... joe used to (and his dad does too) say they are "uglier than sin" ... but i think he would be ok with DJoe and i having one now, if it made our lives a little easier.  i don't want a car, i hate getting the carseat in and out of the back so low... do i regret getting rid of my compass, you ask? no, i don't. i do not miss the $315/month payments. if i get something else now, it is going to be something much more pocketbook friendly.

we have two parties this afternoon, so i better get some things ready while my precious baby is still napping!

with all my struggles i still have hope -- and i pray that God's light can shine through the cracks of my brokenness...

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.