holidays

holy spotted cows do i miss my dad and joe.
today we took our memorial cruise in memory of my dad - it was nice, but i sure wish we didn't have a reason to do it.
on the way, we saw a sign: "This field fertilized with swine manure." - i'm wondering - so? why do we care? ... so, if you know why, please let me know!
so the holidays are going to be here before we know it. i kind of dread them. i tear up just thinking about them right now. last thanksgiving was our first one without dad, we actually had it at our house! joe and i started a tradition of making cheesy hashbrown potatoes  -  that would be the dish we'd make for every thanksgiving! well, turns out we only had one. so the family is talking about what to do this year, and i wish that i had to confer with my husband... having to figure out who's house to go to and when can seem like chaos, but i wish i had to do that right now. ... and then christmas. last christmas we got gifts for the little sweet pea brewin' inside of me. this year we were going to start our own family traditions with our new little family. well, turns out i alone will be making those traditions with her now.
some would say - sweet! you get to make all of the decisions, you don't have to discuss with anyone.  well, if you know me - i hate making decisions. and now having to make all the decisions? my head spins a little more than normal. pretty soon there will be more decisions to make too, when djoe starts eating more than breastmilk, for one.
i always dreamed of being married and having at least one kid by my 30th birthday (10/21/12) - never did i think i'd be a widowed single mom.
here are two pictures i created today.

well, my computer has 13% brain power left and i'm in bed and the charger is in the living room.  if you made it this far, thanks for reading. God is great. Yes i miss my dad and joe and i'm sad, but God is good - have you seen the amazing little girl he gave me? and the amazing family we have surrounding us?