MEA

So, here in Minnesota there are two days where the public K-12 schools are out and there is an education convention in Minneapolis/St. Paul.  As a teacher, I have always had these two days off, which looked like a great time for a minivacation (even though, as a teacher, I should have gone to the convention).  So, since Joe worked third shift, he would take Thursday night, and sometimes Sunday night, off, so we could go away.  MEA vacation spots for us included Wisconsin Dells, Prairie du Chein, and Virginia... We had 6 MEA weekends together, but I don't think we did anything during our first one - so that makes 5 but I can only remember 3 places... hmmm, I hope the other comes to me.  We had other minivacations but I'm having a hard time pinpointing which were which at this very moment.  I'll have to check my photos!  So, blessed by God, I have to work on the Friday of MEA - I will have a few hours with the preschoolers... and Thursday, DJoe and I are spending some time with Madi + I'm getting a massage.  Then on Saturday, my sister Peggy is getting married.... So, God has blessed me with having my first MEA without Joe being a weekend filled with doings.  Saturday is also my friend Brandi's bachelorette party, so I may end up there later ... Then Sunday is my birthday, so that might actually be a little hard, but I'm getting to see Megan, whom I haven't seen since January!  I'm super excited.  Her, Amy, and I are going to have breakfast before they head home.  Anyways, my anticipatory anxiety is always worse than the real thing.... But, it is a hard time of year for me because we always did something special, just the two of us on this long weekend.

Here are two photos from the MEA weekend we went to visit Megan in Virginia...

This past Sunday was the 2nd annual memorial ride for my dad... This picture is from the one last year... Oh, how I wish that is how we rode this year too... Instead, I drove my Compass with Andrea in the passenger seat and my mom and DJoe in the back.

holidays

holy spotted cows do i miss my dad and joe.
today we took our memorial cruise in memory of my dad - it was nice, but i sure wish we didn't have a reason to do it.
on the way, we saw a sign: "This field fertilized with swine manure." - i'm wondering - so? why do we care? ... so, if you know why, please let me know!
so the holidays are going to be here before we know it. i kind of dread them. i tear up just thinking about them right now. last thanksgiving was our first one without dad, we actually had it at our house! joe and i started a tradition of making cheesy hashbrown potatoes  -  that would be the dish we'd make for every thanksgiving! well, turns out we only had one. so the family is talking about what to do this year, and i wish that i had to confer with my husband... having to figure out who's house to go to and when can seem like chaos, but i wish i had to do that right now. ... and then christmas. last christmas we got gifts for the little sweet pea brewin' inside of me. this year we were going to start our own family traditions with our new little family. well, turns out i alone will be making those traditions with her now.
some would say - sweet! you get to make all of the decisions, you don't have to discuss with anyone.  well, if you know me - i hate making decisions. and now having to make all the decisions? my head spins a little more than normal. pretty soon there will be more decisions to make too, when djoe starts eating more than breastmilk, for one.
i always dreamed of being married and having at least one kid by my 30th birthday (10/21/12) - never did i think i'd be a widowed single mom.
here are two pictures i created today.

well, my computer has 13% brain power left and i'm in bed and the charger is in the living room.  if you made it this far, thanks for reading. God is great. Yes i miss my dad and joe and i'm sad, but God is good - have you seen the amazing little girl he gave me? and the amazing family we have surrounding us?

respect

we live in a world where so many people take each other for granted...
when i hear you say that you wish your husband was more ______ (ex: romantic), pretty sure i want to jump across the table and shake you, telling you to be happy that your husband is alive.  or when i hear you say you wish your dad was more _______ ... yeah, same thing.  not saying that i never said those things, but i regret it, and would do about anything to have them back .. regardless of those characteristics i wished they would have had.
take a step back, imagine getting a phone call, the worst phone call, then would you be complaining to others about how your husband isn't romantic? don't complain about your husband at all. it is so disrespectful and if he knew you were doing it, he would be hurt. that happened to me once. i inadvertently disrespected joe in front of others and he was hurt. imagine getting a text from someone very close to you saying they are in the bathroom at work crying because a song that reminded them of your husband came on the radio and they miss him so much they couldn't contain themselves. do you still wish he was more romantic? or are you glad you have him? the problem is we try to have expectations for people that only God truly can fulfill.
luckily, i have found God, and He is the Father to the fatherless and the Defender of widows.
so, even though my flesh wants to jump across the table and put you in your place, because i have God in my corner, i do not.
You don't realize that God is all you need until He is all you have.
the other day when i picked up my amazing daughter from daycare, i was thinking "I love life!" and then i realized - woah, what did i just say? how could that be? thanks be to God for all of the wonderful blessings despite the devastating trials.
enough ranting.
be happy for what you have.
i'm learning to live with less and love it.

wants.

i miss joe bunches.
i miss my dad bunches.
my name is amanda and i'm a believer in jesus christ who struggles with loneliness and hopelessness... i struggle. but i'm healing.
my healing was threatened this week when i got some less than satisfying news. as you may know, joe was a donor. he donated his eyes, which each are benefiting an older man's life. he also donated much tissue and bone, all that was possible. this week, however, i found out that this tissue and bone couldn't be used, due to damage caused in his accident. wow. that was a low blow. it is going to take me some time to process this. for eight months i have been wondering how many lives he touched with his donation. this is hard to take. thankfully, even though the bone and tissue couldn't be used, God provided for his eyes to be used, so i'm not completely thrown. but my healing was definitely threatened, as this opened up some wounds, in a painful way. i want him back.
tomorrow there is another suicide prevention walk (the first being in rochester last weekend). i wish there wasn't a reason for me to go. i want him back.
joe's dad fixed up the cherokee so it would be good for djoe and i so i can sell my compass and save money. he is so kind. i am so grateful for him and his willingness to help us out. i knew the day was coming when it would be sitting in my driveway. tonight when i pulled up it was here. i have been so excited to get this back. did i think joe would be with it? hmmm. i sat in my compass and cried for a bit before i could get out. i am proud to drive it. i already put djoe's car seat in it, ready to drive it tomorrow. then i plan to clean it out. keep it clean. make both of them proud. my dad always kept his vehicles very clean.
i didn't get married to be a widow.
i didn't get pregnant to be a single mom.
everything that happens to me first gets filtered through God's hands.
He will help me through.
He is helping me through.
i'm growing, not going, through these tragedies.
God trusted me to be a single parent to one of his children - wow. cool. i'm going to give it all i've got.
here she is, our little sweet pea, four months old:

50% mom + 50% dad = `100% me

who do you think she looks like?

wow - 5 years ago... we were so young! the day before my 25th birthday!

desktop

so my desktop background has been this since i got this computer (a few months):

today, i just changed it to this:

I could stare at this picture and cry all day... is that healthy or not?  I'm thinking - should I really subject myself to that, getting sad each time I turn my computer on?  I love looking at his handsome face, but is it just too much to put myself through?  Maybe I should wait until a time that I can look at it and just smile, instead of cry?  Will that ever happen?  Or maybe seeing his face each time I turn my computer on will help me heal?  Or will it make me think, again, that he is just on a long vacation?  A military family I know from high school just got reunited after 7 months... I know how she felt with not seeing her husband for 7 months, and I sure wish that I could see mine.  Growing up without her daddy is going to be hard for DakotaJoe, just like it has been and will be hard for me without my dad - and there will be tough times, but I will pray to my loving Father to guard our hearts and surround us by others that will lift us up.  I hope I can do a good job at letting her know how much her daddy loved her and wanted her - I feel like that is the hardest job one could ever have.  There will be so many questions...  She has a super grandpa and many uncles and cousins that will be great male role models in her life, but I can't help but be sad for both of them... that she never got to meet her daddy who loved her so much while she was just a sweet pea in my womb and he never got to meet the daughter he was so excited for and loved so much.  I have made some progress in my healing and recovery, I still miss him so much, but I'm not as lonely as I was, or longing for companionship.  When I see the date - August 23, 2012 - it has been over 7 months since I saw him, a longer period of time than we were actually married.. I can't believe it has been this long.  I still miss him just as much as I did in the first month.  I dreamt about him again last night, it was a great dream - I just wish it would have been real.

Psalm 68:5 says, God is a Father to the fatherless and a defender of widows.

Here is our little beauty, 3 months old! 

P.S.
Yesterday involved two up-her-back poops - one which even got on my shirt, pants, and the floor of the bathroom I was changing her in!

poop

well, little miss DakotaJoe is pooping more often now - and it stinks!
the days of having a baby with stinkless poop are over!
we are so in love and miss daddy and grandpa so much... she didn't even know them and still, already, misses them!  She is such a sweetheart... if you haven't met her yet, you are really missing out!
Next Sunday we will be walking in the Goodview Days parade with the Celebrate Recovery float (as long as I'm not in too much pain from getting wisdom teeth out on Thursday)... and the following Sunday I will be publicly presenting DJoe to the Lord and committing to be a godly parent, as the Bible teaches that parents have the primary responsibility to nurture the faith of their children.  The 30th would be Joe's 29th birthday, and I plan to do something special at the cemetery that day, let me know if you would like to join us.
This picture shows my new favorite past-time... taken from my webcam, so not the greatest quality.

Tomorrow marks seven months since Joe has been gone.  i have now been a widow longer than i was a wife... I miss him just as much as I did back then, and my broken heart still aches as God is repairing it back together.

One piece of today's discussion in church was on what it means to truly be Jesus' disciple... A true disciple is obedient to Jesus' teaching - that obedience leads to knowledge, which leads to freedom.
I'm working on this, working on being freed from my loneliness, sadness, and despair.

Proverbs 24:14 
Know that wisdom is such to your soul; if you find it, there will be a future, and your hope will not be cut off.

the steak.

well, i finally threw the steak away that has been in my freezer for 7 months... i couldn't throw away the ice cream though.. it is weird- it is just ice cream, and i haven't had any in the last 7 months, and i'm not sure if i will in the next 7, but it was his... you might understand, you might not - but i'm keeping it. 
our wedding night ... looking at our faces makes me so sad but so happy at the same time... it has been a while since i smiled like that. i miss you joe and i will love you forever...

saturday night was a good friend from high school's bachelorette party - first time out since pre-pregnancy.  my wonderful mother had djoe overnight, and they had a great time together. 
 i sang for the first time in 7 months - 7 months from tonight actually ... 1/6/12  this was my wonderful audience... i actually made it through "What's Up" by the 4NonBlondes - a song that holds memories of both my dad and joe... i think i made them smile.

 after 7 months of not seeing some of the best friends i have ever known, i was bound and determined to make my way to buffalo city.  after the bachelorette party, some of the ladies had to head that way anyways, so i had a ride. 
 they were [almost] all there ... only two were missing. it was a great night of catching up - so great to see them.  most of them welcomed my appearance, but there is one that i don't think can handle seeing me yet - it is too hard for him.  it was hard to see them all but it was something i felt i had to do.  i felt very safe, back at 'home' for a night with my brothers.
  i did lose half of my hand pump and have chigger bites from the knees down, but it was a great time.  amazing time with all the ladies and a great time with the guys.
  (i wish i had a picture of me and the guys, but my camera stayed in my purse while i was there - weird!)

DakotaJoe is an amazing little lady.  She is laying next to me right now jibber-jabbering away.  We are about done for the night, ready for a six hour sleep {hopefully}!  She can hold her head up and is smiling and 'talking' more and more each day.  She has the most beautiful eyes.  Soon I will post baby pictures of both of us.. She looks exactly like Joe, but there is a little bit of me in her too.  I couldn't possibly care less if she looked a bit like me - as long as she looks like her daddy!!

when i am weak, i am strong:
2 Corinthians 12: 9-10
"'My grace is enough for you.  When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you.'  So I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses.  Then Christ's power can live in me.  For this reason I am happy when I have weaknesses, insults, hard times, sufferings, and all kinds of troubles for Christ.  Because when I am weak, then I am truly strong."

why i believe:
Philippians 1:6
"And I am sure that God who began the good work within you will keep right on helping you grow in his grace until his task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns."

the golden rule - did you know it came from God?:
Luke 6:31
"Treat others as you want them to treat you."

why i do my best to forgive:
Colossians 3:13
"Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges.  Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others."

how i get my strength:
Romans 8:31
"So what should we say about this?  If God is with us, no one can defeat us."

Lots going on this month, well, and the next two, and i guess the next two also...
This month we have auntie Steph's birthday, uncle Jake's birthday, our final shower, DJoe's Dedication, Joe's birthday (I'm planning to do something special), oh yeah - and I am getting my wisdom teeth pulled - AAAHH!
Next month we have a little friend's 1st birthday, the Out of the Darkness suicide prevention walk, my sister's wedding shower weekend, auntie Peggy's birthday, and I just found out about a suicide prevention 5K in winona too - so that might be added to the list!
October will mark the 30th anniversary of my birth, celebrating with an 80's themed party!  It is also uncle Bobby's birthday, Grandpa Gerry's birthday, Great Grandma Mary (J)'s birthday, Peg & Jake's wedding, DJoe's first Halloween, and we will also hold another memorial ride for my dad.
phew!! then it will be time for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's! Before I know it, the little jomanda will be one year old!

wow - this is an amazing feeling - so my little girl is laying here next to me... staring at me ... i look down, smile, say "hi" and i get the biggest, most beautiful smile back.  you are missing out!