poop

well, little miss DakotaJoe is pooping more often now - and it stinks!
the days of having a baby with stinkless poop are over!
we are so in love and miss daddy and grandpa so much... she didn't even know them and still, already, misses them!  She is such a sweetheart... if you haven't met her yet, you are really missing out!
Next Sunday we will be walking in the Goodview Days parade with the Celebrate Recovery float (as long as I'm not in too much pain from getting wisdom teeth out on Thursday)... and the following Sunday I will be publicly presenting DJoe to the Lord and committing to be a godly parent, as the Bible teaches that parents have the primary responsibility to nurture the faith of their children.  The 30th would be Joe's 29th birthday, and I plan to do something special at the cemetery that day, let me know if you would like to join us.
This picture shows my new favorite past-time... taken from my webcam, so not the greatest quality.

Tomorrow marks seven months since Joe has been gone.  i have now been a widow longer than i was a wife... I miss him just as much as I did back then, and my broken heart still aches as God is repairing it back together.

One piece of today's discussion in church was on what it means to truly be Jesus' disciple... A true disciple is obedient to Jesus' teaching - that obedience leads to knowledge, which leads to freedom.
I'm working on this, working on being freed from my loneliness, sadness, and despair.

Proverbs 24:14 
Know that wisdom is such to your soul; if you find it, there will be a future, and your hope will not be cut off.

the steak.

well, i finally threw the steak away that has been in my freezer for 7 months... i couldn't throw away the ice cream though.. it is weird- it is just ice cream, and i haven't had any in the last 7 months, and i'm not sure if i will in the next 7, but it was his... you might understand, you might not - but i'm keeping it. 
our wedding night ... looking at our faces makes me so sad but so happy at the same time... it has been a while since i smiled like that. i miss you joe and i will love you forever...

saturday night was a good friend from high school's bachelorette party - first time out since pre-pregnancy.  my wonderful mother had djoe overnight, and they had a great time together. 
 i sang for the first time in 7 months - 7 months from tonight actually ... 1/6/12  this was my wonderful audience... i actually made it through "What's Up" by the 4NonBlondes - a song that holds memories of both my dad and joe... i think i made them smile.

 after 7 months of not seeing some of the best friends i have ever known, i was bound and determined to make my way to buffalo city.  after the bachelorette party, some of the ladies had to head that way anyways, so i had a ride. 
 they were [almost] all there ... only two were missing. it was a great night of catching up - so great to see them.  most of them welcomed my appearance, but there is one that i don't think can handle seeing me yet - it is too hard for him.  it was hard to see them all but it was something i felt i had to do.  i felt very safe, back at 'home' for a night with my brothers.
  i did lose half of my hand pump and have chigger bites from the knees down, but it was a great time.  amazing time with all the ladies and a great time with the guys.
  (i wish i had a picture of me and the guys, but my camera stayed in my purse while i was there - weird!)

DakotaJoe is an amazing little lady.  She is laying next to me right now jibber-jabbering away.  We are about done for the night, ready for a six hour sleep {hopefully}!  She can hold her head up and is smiling and 'talking' more and more each day.  She has the most beautiful eyes.  Soon I will post baby pictures of both of us.. She looks exactly like Joe, but there is a little bit of me in her too.  I couldn't possibly care less if she looked a bit like me - as long as she looks like her daddy!!

when i am weak, i am strong:
2 Corinthians 12: 9-10
"'My grace is enough for you.  When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you.'  So I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses.  Then Christ's power can live in me.  For this reason I am happy when I have weaknesses, insults, hard times, sufferings, and all kinds of troubles for Christ.  Because when I am weak, then I am truly strong."

why i believe:
Philippians 1:6
"And I am sure that God who began the good work within you will keep right on helping you grow in his grace until his task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns."

the golden rule - did you know it came from God?:
Luke 6:31
"Treat others as you want them to treat you."

why i do my best to forgive:
Colossians 3:13
"Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges.  Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others."

how i get my strength:
Romans 8:31
"So what should we say about this?  If God is with us, no one can defeat us."

Lots going on this month, well, and the next two, and i guess the next two also...
This month we have auntie Steph's birthday, uncle Jake's birthday, our final shower, DJoe's Dedication, Joe's birthday (I'm planning to do something special), oh yeah - and I am getting my wisdom teeth pulled - AAAHH!
Next month we have a little friend's 1st birthday, the Out of the Darkness suicide prevention walk, my sister's wedding shower weekend, auntie Peggy's birthday, and I just found out about a suicide prevention 5K in winona too - so that might be added to the list!
October will mark the 30th anniversary of my birth, celebrating with an 80's themed party!  It is also uncle Bobby's birthday, Grandpa Gerry's birthday, Great Grandma Mary (J)'s birthday, Peg & Jake's wedding, DJoe's first Halloween, and we will also hold another memorial ride for my dad.
phew!! then it will be time for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's! Before I know it, the little jomanda will be one year old!

wow - this is an amazing feeling - so my little girl is laying here next to me... staring at me ... i look down, smile, say "hi" and i get the biggest, most beautiful smile back.  you are missing out!

he is just lost - unable to come home.

I keep having dreams that Joe is just lost or locked up somewhere, not able to come home, and I am trying to find him.  Well, last night I found him - what a relief!  He was in jail in Chippewa Falls.  I don't know what he was there for, but I was so unbelievably excited to see him.  He was in a class with one of the teachers I taught with in Rochester.  I wanted to just run in and see him, but they made me wait out in the hallway because they were nervous he would be so excited and disrupt the entire room if he saw me.  So, I waited in the hallway and he came out and we hugged and kissed and it was so amazing.  I went back and visited him a couple more times, each time was just as special.  The last time I went, I helped him escape.  We needed to be together, so he had to get out of there.  I don't know what happened then, that is about when DJoe woke up...

I'm not sure the reality of what has happened will sink in until Joe's headstone is complete and in place.  I still feel like he is just gone, and will be returning.  I'm not sure my heart and head have totally comprehended that this actually happened.  Some days I think I have realized and accepted, but then some days I definitely do not.  It is hard to believe that it has been six months already - I still miss him SO much.

Here is a picture of us from July 21, 2006 - the night we became "official"... 

And here is another old picture I found, from Feb 24, 2007, of my handsome husband being goofy with my glasses on - I thought he looked amazing in them, so he basically just put them on (& spiked his hair) for me :)

The man I will love forever and always, no matter what.

This past Sunday I was the large group teacher for the elementary Sunday School (KidzZone) at church!  The lesson was on Philippians 4:4-19, which are amazing verses and includ my most favorite (4:6-7:  "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.").  The goal of the morning was to teach the precious little ones that God offers contentment, and one part of getting that contentment is to be soaked with the Holy Spirit - let God be a part of every part of our lives... The fun activity of the morning then, was for the kids to get a little sponge, representing themselves, and pour water on it, representing the Holy Spirit, showing them being soaked (and overflowing) with the Holy Spirit!  It went well.  I found another verse regarding this concept:  "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

With all that has happened in my life, I need to trust in God - what else can I do?  A friend recently told me that he was stood up by someone and he is 'losing faith in his friends' - this happens all the time - we can't hold that much faith in our friends - in anything Earthly for that matter - the only thing worthy of our faith is God.  Now this doesn't mean I don't adore my family and friends, but we are all human, we all let each other down once in a while.  There are many days that I overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit... I do get excited about life and excited about what God has planned for my future; however, there are definitely times when I need to stop, look, and listen - if you will - and let my big and mighty God of hope fill me with the joy and peace... He is there, wanting to do it for me, but it isn't always easy to let him in and feel what he offers - but I do know it is what is best for me and my daughter.

She is two months old already, I can't believe it... Here are some pictures to look at her growth!

 More professional pictures to come too - Andrea was over last night for a little photo shoot!

up the back!

DJoe has spent time in her crib three times now - it is hard for me to put her in there - i can't imagine what it will be like when she starts school!  Friday night she spent her first chunk of the night in there, yesterday morning she took her nap in there.  For the first time, I laid her down 'awake but drowsy' and let her cry for about 5 minutes on and off to expel her extra energy and fall asleep.  This is going to help her learn to sooth herself to sleep instead of needing to be held, rocked, etc. to fall asleep.  I'm super excited, and I hope we can keep it up.  Last night she slept in there all night - she slept 10:30ish to 3:30ish and then 4:30ish to 7:30ish!  she got the love of sleep that both Joe had and I have.

We went to the "All About Baby" class/meeting that the Women's Health department at the clinic offers yesterday.  I've been wanting to go for a while now, but it just never worked - yesterday I just made it work.  The most exciting thing was seeing how much she weighs now - 10lbs 2oz!

Thursday we have our first play date!  This one will probably be more for me than her, but I'm sure we will both have fun.

Monday, she had her first explosive poop.  She stopped eating, but was still sitting in my lap.  I could tell that the noises coming out of her were not dry... and they kept coming out, while I continued to get more scared to open her up.  I knew this was a job for the changing table (often I will just change her in the living room).  After much hesitation, I carefully opened her up and, sure enough, it had squeezed out the back of her diaper and went up her back.  Luckily, I had enough dirties to throw her sleeper in the wash right away - yuck!  Joe for sure would have had to change that one if he is here with us.

I definitely miss my best friend a ton.  Little things, like sitting on the couch with Dakota and wanting the book that is on the other side of the room.  We are so comfortable I don't want to move - Or last night, when she was not wanting to go to sleep but I needed sleep so bad - Or when she smiles and coos - Or when I'm pumping and she doesn't want to let me - Or heck, when I want (need) to shower (or just go to the bathroom).  [Not to mention all the times I want him for me.]  All of these tasks will get increasingly difficult when she becomes mobile. - but me and my girl will work it all out together - we know that God works all things together for good for those that love Him.

Some of you may still be wondering about God - why I talk about Him so much and live to follow Him.  I'm getting strength from somewhere, and it is definitely not from my own being.  Sometimes I do feel like I'm going crazy, but God quickly reminds me why I am not...

I get a lot of my STRENGTH FROM THE BIBLE - knowing God's Word including stories of people just like me and the trials followed by blessings that they went through...
Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path. Psalm 119:105

From practice, I know that GOD ANSWERS PRAYER - there have been big things in life that I have prayed for and He has answered (healthy pregnancy, delivery, and baby) - as well as little things like keeping crazy, disturbing dreams away from my sleep (and even just helping me calm down and fall asleep at times).
If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. John 15:7

Pictures to come, but for now I have to just post this - I already had to edit/update it once after it sat for over a day before being finished and posted... life is busy!

eyelashes!

sweet pea has had a very eventful first month of life!

This week included...

 her first time watching Wes & Madi's swimming lessons:

her first Steamboat Days kiddie parade:

her first wedding: 

i love my new outfit and can't wait to dance the night away!



having some love time with mommy

her first Steamboat Days parade:

her first game of rock paper scissors:

It also included her first Father's Day without her daddy.  We were going to drive his Jeep today, but it is dead :-(  We spent some time out at his grave and grandpa's grave... I miss them both so very much, and keep thinking about how proud they would be of our little sweet pea.

My number one job right now is parenting.  And for me, it is the role of both mother and father - perhaps the hardest job there is?  In 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12, the Apostle Paul describes three characteristics of a Christian father:  "For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory."  Fathers are to be encouraging, comforting, and exhorting.  Now, I am not her father, and this of course doesn't only apply to fathers, but I am going to pray that I apply this to our lives.  When DakotaJoe is tempted to give up, I will encourage her to keep going.  When DakotaJoe is carrying a burden, I will give her comfort that helps her carry the burden, grief, or pain - aiming to lighten and lessen her burden.  There will also be tough times when I will need to move from DakotaJoe's side to stand squarely in front of her and confront her with something she needs to face.



Last year at this very moment, June 17 2011, we were in Black River Falls preparing for our wedding.  I was in a room with the girls and Joe was with his family - he tried so hard to see me that night, but no one would let him... we wanted that moment when i began walking down the aisle the next day to be very precious - and that it was.  Wes and Madi are going to come over tomorrow to help me eat our wedding cake - since we saved it to eat together on our first anniversary.

Forever My Love

kisses

Wow, what a wonderful baby God has given me.
Friday she came with Grandma and I to Rochester - we went to the John Marshall HS graduation rehearsal, the galleria to meet Auntie Steph for lunch, and the mall.  Yesterday, we were back in Rochester - this time Auntie Cindy came along.  We had a graduation party for two of my students, she got some new flip flops at TJMaxx, and we went to the JM graduation.  She is such a good traveler and is very patient!  Today, we went to first service for church, and she was awake the entire time!  She laid on my lap and just looked around, enjoying being awake.  She is sitting here awake right now too, here she is ...

She loves the nature sounds and vibration of the chair.  After a busy couple of days, we spent today relaxing.  After church we did a lot of snuggling and napping!  Nursing is going well, and she had her first bottle yesterday.  I have done some pumping, so last night during graduation Cindy was able to give her a bottle.  Nights have been going well too, She is only waking up once, maybe twice, in the night.  She can put herself to sleep too.  Not always, but there have been a couple of times when she is laid down awake but sleepy and will fall asleep on her own.  She definitely does love being rocked, snuggled, or sang to sleep - she loves her forehead being rubbed too.

who do you think she looks like?

Many people, even those that only met Joe once, or only saw pictures of him, say that she truly resembles him.  That excites me, and I am even more excited to see the resemblance grow.  One night she really reminded me of him.  She was going to sleep for the night, but was having a hard time falling asleep.  She was whimpering a bit, so I laid her on my chest.  She fell right to sleep.  This reminded me of him because we always had to be as close to each other as possible.  When we were sleeping we would always have to be super close to each other to be truly comfortable and fall asleep.

There are many things that bring up fear in me - daily things and things to come in the future.  When this fear comes in me, I call on my amazing God.  The fear and anxiety comes upon me, but if I call on God and ask Him to help me through and to take it away, it does not build up or fester inside of me.  He calms my heart, mind, and body.

LIVING TO PLEASE GOD – WITHOUT FEAR
For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13

poop!

well, after a week with no poop, she finally pooped!! yippee, i've never been happier.  the last time she pooped was last saturday morning, and all week she had been eating well, really gassy, and not seeming uncomfortable, but no poop - what a mystery!  she finally pooped yesterday, what a relief!  and then, she pooped again today!

nursing is going well so far, and i have pumped a couple times too!  she is going to get her first bottle on saturday when i'm handing out diplomas at graduation and she is with auntie cindy.

today she got to meet her great grandma mary and her great uncle peter! we had lunch with them, grandma, nana, and bimpa - it was her first restaurant experience and she liked it, but let us know when it was time to go. :)

yesterday when we were at the store looking at cards, i picked up a "first" father's day card and wished i had to pick one out. i wish i could give my dad one too.  i plan to take djoe for a ride in the cherokee and tell her stories about her daddy and grandpa on father's day.

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

(Proverbs 22:6)

Pleasant words promote instruction.

(Proverbs 16:21)

i miss laughing with him.

if you have seen me lately, you may have noticed me not wearing my wedding ring - it is a little snug at the moment!  i am always so hot, and i don't want it to get stuck.

soon, she and i will laugh together.  for now, we stare at each other. 

i am in love again.