Almost TEN years ago I made a post that I was back and going to begin writing again. Well, ha! In that post, DakotaJoe was 3 - that means she is THIRTEEN now. I can't believe this is where we are. Where has time gone? So much has happened, and maybe I'll actually start writing about it again!

I now also have a wonderful husband (of over a year!!), three BONUS kids, and three GRANDkids!! My husband, Dan, has three children and three grandchildren. 

My family has grown immensely since I last wrote! I'm RICH!

And, I have a GREAT niece!

We're Back!

I've recently decided to begin blogging again.  I can't believe it has been 2 years since I've posted.  DJoe is now 3, and I am back to teaching high school special education.  

I'm excited to share with you, stay tuned!

Beautiful day!

What a perfect day for an interview!

t-ball makes me cry

wow, that was a big picture on my last post - huh?
maybe i won't add pictures from my phone anymore!

so, tonight was the first night of winona park & rec t-ball, and both my niece and nephew are participating.  it was fun.  my niece was a little hesitant to run across the field with her new teammates for their first big huddle, which i can completely understand - her first team sport, a little intimidating... so, i ran across with her and sat with her through their meeting, and then she ran off and played - wonderfully, i might add.  i saw one of my old students from the preschool too, when i sat down with my niece, he got up from his spot and came over and plopped down next to me, exclaiming, "I like you!"  that was sweet. 

when my niece took her first run around the bases, the tears began to flow.  then my nephew, more tears.  i just got this overwhelming feeling about how proud my dad, their grandpa, and joe, their *favorite* uncle, would be of them... uff-da.  how life would be so much different if they were both sitting their cheering them on.  i felt like i was punched in the gut.  then, they ran the bases some more, and threw the balls around, and i wasn't so sad anymore.  until djoe and i were leaving.  i'm pushing her in the stroller across the grass towards the parking lot, when i see a boy with his parents squatting down behind him, beaming with delight, getting a photo taken of the three of them.  punch in the gut #2.  we will never have any photo like that.  djoe won't have her dad in the stands at t-ball, dance recitals, band concerts, graduation.  this punch in the gut made me feel like i was going to lose my lunch, but i collected myself.

unfortunately, i don't have any t-ball pictures to share since i have been getting real good at letting my phone run out of battery life, and tonight was one of those times.

ALL things

Excerpt from "streams in the desert"

He requires many different colors which individually maybe quite drab, to weave into the harmonious pattern. 

Separate tones notes and even discords are required to compose melodious musical anthems; a piece of machinery requires many separate wheels parts and connections. 

One part from a machine may be useless or one note from an anthem may never be considered beautiful but taken together combined and completed they lead to perfect balance and harmony. 

We can learn a lesson of faith from this: "you do not realize now what I'm doing, but later you will understand" (John 13:7). 

This all stems from Romans 8:28 "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose". 

To me this means all of the crappy things that have happened and are happening in my life will together form an amazing story.

 What does it mean to you?

Today I cancelled my tv programming. Tv channels do not help to live a simple life.  I have also started paving the path to reducing debt. Life, here I come! 

simple.

it's been a while!
i hope to give updates more frequently.
in addition to djoe updates and insights from God's Word, I will update you on my new endeavor to simplify my life!

so, on wednesday, i lost the job i thought i'd have until retirement.  i started it in january, and loved it..  i was completely blindsided on wednesday, being told that it isn't the "right fit" ... my work was "exemplary", but i wasn't the "right fit" ... what does that mean?

with that being said .... I KNOW WHO GOES BEFORE ME, I KNOW WHO STANDS BEHIND... THE GOD OF ANGEL ARMIES IS ALWAYS BY MY SIDE... we sang that song at CR tonight... listen to the whole song here!

i'm not worried.  yes, i'm upset because it was such a shock, but i'm holding God to his promises, and look forward to what he has planned for me next!

Psalm 31:3 states "Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me."  That is my prayer right now.  I do not want to make any quick decisions before truly listening to what God wants me to do.

Will you pray with me?

Simplicity:
a simple life frees up time for things that matter
less stuff is better than more stuff

less stress
slow down
i am going to be getting rid of "stuff" and not allowing any new "stuff" come into our home - except for necessities, food, toiletries, etc.  we do not need anything.  yes, there are wants, but wants complicate life.  "stuff" creates chaos.  i don't want djoe growing up in a world with chaos. i don't want to live in a world of chaos.

i'm excited to get simple.

a promise

this is my promise to make an entry once each week...

here is a photo from sweet pea's 1st birthday!

hello!!

Imagine a day when you have chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, play at the park all morning, and eat pizza and ice cream for lunch. And then you spend the rest of the day playing with your favorite toys. What a great day! Toys and treats are lots of fun, but they don't last very long. But God will always be around. The happiness we get from him is even better than pizza and pancakes. It's the only thing that lasts forever. ___ today's entry from DJoe's devotional. so true! (you can change treats and toy for anything that gives you temporary satisfaction :)) "The joy of the Lord is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10

I am not strong, but the joy of the Lord gives me strength!

my new job is helping my emotions - i am feeling productive & useful.

check out my precious little girl playing peek-a-boo (stupid red-eye)

trying out a new snack

 

   here she is in her new jammies!

Love: 

 

 one of her favorite things to do:

yuck

if you and i see or talk to each other regularly, you will probably be upset with me after reading this post... i am not one to share my thoughts and feelings face to face, and for some reason it is easier here.
i am sad.
i am very sad.
i am so so very sad.
i am actually realizing i was hiding, perhaps even in denial of, how sad i have been.  i am slowly breaking out of that denial.
i was a daddy's girl.  his little baby.  i wonder what he would think now, his baby all grown up, with a baby of her own.  my dad knew everything.  he knew how to do everything.  how to fix anything.  how to make anything work.  he would come rescue you wherever, whenever, no matter the weather.  three specific times that will never leave my mind (among others) are when my sister's car died in Cannon Falls, and he drove all the way up there to take care of her, when I lived in rochester and we had a bad snow storm, but i was supposed to run karaoke that night in winona and he and my mom came to get me, bring me to winona so i could do karaoke, and then take me home again at the end of the weekend, and when someone pulled out in front of joe on 61 on his way home from work and he called my dad, and he came to rescue him. i mean, come on. how many parents do things like that for you?
i think that when i saw joe lying in the hospital bed that cold night over a year ago, i thought that we were in a movie. this is just a scene in a movie, life will be back to normal soon. i think i honestly thought he'd be back by now. i was fooling myself, thinking this was just a phase, it will pass - life will be back to how it was, how it was supposed to be, soon... well, now that a year has passed, i think my mind and heart are beginning to realize that this is not a movie, or if it is, i guessed the ending wrong, and it is much longer than i had thought.  you know how some movies have the option of an alternate ending?  i wish i could chose that right now.  i wonder what that ending would be like.  would we be planning our second child?  would we have a new garage door?  would i have so many body aches?  i'm pretty sure that i will never find another man that loved me like joe did. i know i have shared about our love a lot .. but, i have been thinking about it a lot lately.  i have a lot of flaws, and my family is a huge part of my life and we are always together, and i know not every spouse enjoys or even tolerates that... joe, well, he was right there alongside of me.  he loved me in spite of my flaws, and i could totally be myself around him, and he loved me.  and he was cute!  and he was so much like my dad - he knew everything. he knew how to do everything. he knew how to fix anything. he knew how to make anything work.  i am so lost. i am so sad. i have no motivation. djoe is lucky she gets her diaper changed half the time.  maybe i am just having a rough day.  my house is a disaster.  if you ever come here, please don't judge me.  i am depressed. i am a widowed single mother without her own dad. i'd rather buy new clothes or dishes than clean the ones i have.  that isn't how i want to be. i have the best intentions, visions of a clean, organized house. not shit everywhere. but, frankly, i see no point right now. well, i do, i mean, i want djoe to grow up in a not-chaotic house, but, well, i just don't know. .. like i said, i have great intentions, it is just the follow through.  i have always been like this, but it is so so much worse now.  my dad isn't here to tell me i should keep my vehicle clean.  joe isn't here wanting a clean house. i'm not ready for help yet though, and i don't know when i will be.  if you ask if you can help, i will probably say no. if you do something without asking i might be annoyed or thankful, depending on the day. 
i'm not asking you to feel sorry for me, this is more like a diary entry. an entry most people wouldn't let anyone else read. me; however, well, maybe it is a cry for help. i see a doctor regularly regarding my depression, anxiety, and other issues- we are working on meds and natural remedies (like exercise. i want to exercise! i have videos waiting to be popped into the dvd player- but motivation, nope, don't have that yet.)... and i am also going to celebrate recovery as often as life allows, but it is my day to day happenings that are the hardest.  and when i'm at work it is like i am a different person.  i can just think about work and get things done. but when i walk out the doors, toward the jeep, knowing it is just me and my baby, reality hits - very hard. i honestly can't believe i have been breastfeeding djoe for over 8 months. besides a job and my relationship with joe, i'm not sure there is much that i have done for that long. it is starting to get hard though, coordinating work and pumping, making sure she has enough milk for while i'm at work... but i just want  to make it until May... less than 4 months.
the difference between my posts as of late and my earlier posts are the involvement of God. that is what I am missing also.  I need God and exercise - those are the two prescriptions that would help me the most.  i just get in such a stinkin' rut sometimes. i think it is definitely this season..
on the other hand, i have, seriously, THE happiest baby EVER> which helps, and i feel guilty, it should help more - how can she not be all the motivation i need? am i a bad mom?
besides missing joe so much, i miss being in an intimate relationship. and i want to be in one bad. but as soon as i picture myself with a man on a date (weird, a date?!) i get an upset stomach... so i know i'm nowhere near being ready for a relationship, but i ache for one. i ache for joe. to have the two most important men snatched from me in an instant less than a year apart... that makes me ache. maybe that is why my body aches. i had my teeth cleaned yesterday, and when i tried to get up after laying there for that time, i was so stiff, it hurt to get up. yuck. i need warm temps so i can go outside and walk. or i need a free gym membership. and i need a new vehicle. the heat doesn't work very good in the jeep, and djoe is going to need the next stage of carseat soon, which is one that stays in the car, facing the back - that will be awfully hard to get her in and out of in a two door jeep with a slight lift.
after swimming lessons tomorrow we are heading to eau claire for some gillett family fun. i'm both excited and nervous - it will be fun, but also overwhelming. being around joe's family is a reality kick to the heart. but, we will be there.

overamonth

wow, i cannot believe it has been over a month since i posted!  i thought that once my paper was done i would have more time to blog!  i guess i have been filling up that time with other things...
i have so much to update you on, but today is just a post to say that that will soon happen!
here is a smilemaker for you while you are waiting!

it is finished

i just turned my paper in!
wahoo!
excited to get it graded and be awarded my Master's degree! (hopefully)

i'm at one of those moments in my life again where i feel like i just heard the news... like it just happened. sometimes i feel like i lost my dad then lost joe the very next day. and now our daughter is almost 7 months old. she has been living longer than we were married. we were married for 6 months, 3 weeks, and 5 days.  she is now 6 months, 3 weeks, and 6 days old. and boy have those last 6 months gone fast.  she can now sit up pretty good. not perfect, but perfect for now. she has eaten peas, pears, carrots, and avocado. if it were up to her, she would sample everything that i eat and drink, but i want her to get a good taste for veggies and fruits, then lean proteins ... before junk.  being solely responsible for her well-being is stressful for me.  it may sound appealing to some who have a hard time making decisions with their spouse/parental partner, but having to make decisions is difficult when you are the one responsible for everything.  i would like to put her in a bubble, but i don't think that would be socially appropriate! (lotis) i still have one hamper full of joe's dirty work clothes. they have been there for almost a year now. maybe i will wash them one of these days. it hurts so bad to know they will never be in that hamper again, dirty from rtp's black hole.  i'm not sure when i will go through things in the garage.  as far as i'm concerned, it can stay just how it is. things can be done as needed. i am in no hurry at all to clean, organize, nothing... maybe i will set a goal of having it presentable by DJoe's first birthday, so she can have her party out there if we have nice weather... that gives me just a little over 5 months, i think i can handle that... maybe.  because of buying my engagement ring and wrap, joe was in the diamond club through the jewelry store... because of that he receives a coupon for $50 off $100 once a year for three years.  Last year he bought me my Christmas present with it - the beautiful bracelet with a heart charm he had engraved "Forever My Love" - upon which I have added thumbprint charms for both him and my dad, as well as a charm with DakotaJoe's name on it... Well, another came in the mail this year, and I just used it.  Joe helped buy me a ring to honor our daughter with.  It is an emerald (her birthstone) and diamond ring, and I love it (thanks honey!) ... There will be another coupon coming in the mail next year, looking forward to that gift from him also.  the jeep is fixed, it needed a new alternator.  i thought i would love driving it, and sometimes i do, but i think it is making me miss joe even more, and gives me a lump in my throat every time i get in, realizing that he is not here to drive it... or fix it.. or anything. joe's dad wants it, and i think i will be ready to give it up sooner than i thought.  i'm torn. thinking of not having it breaks my heart, but getting in it every day breaks my heart too. knowing that it is still in the family and maybe i could drive it once in a while would be helpful (therapeutic?) though... i might be getting talked into purchasing a mini van... joe used to (and his dad does too) say they are "uglier than sin" ... but i think he would be ok with DJoe and i having one now, if it made our lives a little easier.  i don't want a car, i hate getting the carseat in and out of the back so low... do i regret getting rid of my compass, you ask? no, i don't. i do not miss the $315/month payments. if i get something else now, it is going to be something much more pocketbook friendly.

we have two parties this afternoon, so i better get some things ready while my precious baby is still napping!

with all my struggles i still have hope -- and i pray that God's light can shine through the cracks of my brokenness...

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

keeping up

i'm having a hard time keeping up...
things will get better after this week though, when I'm done with my Master's.
are you mad at your spouse? ungrateful?
take a moment - close your eyes, and go through a typical day in the life of your family in your head... today, perhaps, with all of the snow...

did your spouse help you out? or did you act alone today, taking care of you and your children, shoveling, doing all of the things parents have to do for their kids as well as for themselves? 

Now... Imagine that same day without them.  You have to do all of the things you did, but without them in the picture.

Do you appreciate them now?


I'm not asking for you to feel sorry for me, I'm just thinking outloud - journaling, if you will. 
Today was rough.  Thankfully, I put the Jeep in the garage last night since it was supposed to snow.  DJoe slept wonderfully!! 8:30-5:30, got up to eat, then we went back to bed till 8:30- got myself ready quick, went out and started the Jeep, then put her (still in her jammies, cuz she hadn't woken up yet) in her car seat and we were off to church.  Roads weren't too bad, but I did drive slow.  We got to church a bit late, then I went to the nursery to change and feed her. The message was great, I will talk about that later.  On the way home from church, stopped to get gas, drove through McDonald's for breakfast, stopped at Walgreens to get Christmas cards to hand out today, and went home - she had fallen asleep. So, I took the opportunity to do some shoveling.  thick, sloppy snow. got a skinny strip done on the sidewalk around the house.  Straightened my hair a bit, she is still sleeping - just about time to go to the Bagniewski Christmas celebration and she wakes up.  So, I change her diaper and clothes (she was still in her jammies) and quickly head out the door.  I met Cindy & Bob at the Spur so they could follow me, since the Jeep is "squirrely" in the snow, and I wanted someone close in case I needed help.  It was fine, the highway was nice.  About halfway there I went to pull something out of my bag, and lo-an-behol it wasn't there!! 
GREAT!
that means no diapers, burp cloths, wallet, etc... but i did have my phone in my pocket, the Christmas cards to hand out, and a pie for the potluck. 
Bob carried DJoe (her+carseat = so heavy!) in, and we proceeded to celebrate Christmas.  I handed my pie to my aunt to put by the other desserts.  I told her my friend dropped it off yesterday so I thought I'd bring it.. Cindy jokingly says, "I hope it is baked!"  She looked at it and says "oh yeah, it is!"  My cousin has a 14(ish) month old, and he wears diapers one size bigger than DJoe, and she said we could have one if needed. phew! a few things happened but lets fast forward to eating. we are eating, and I went to get some desserts (yes SOME dessertS) and Cindy said she wanted a piece of the apple pie I brought.  So, I bring her a piece.  She picks at it a little and exclaims "It isn't baked!" ROFLMAO (excuse me) {Yesterday I got a call from my dear friend Chantel, saying she was at a pie making party all day and was sent home with 5 pies, and was dropping one off on my porch... when i got home, to prevent myself from eating it all last night, i just grabbed it from the porch and put it into the fridge then pulled it out this morning and took it, assuming it was baked!} we soon had to say our goodbyes as we had another event back in Winona at 2:00.  We left my aunt & uncles and headed for Hoff Funeral Home.  Today was their annual memorial service for those lost in the last year.  Joe's parents and niece Grace came too, and we were presented with a nice service.  I knew what to expect, since, sadly, I was there last year also.. We listened to a speaker, a quartet - which, side note, my niece's college adviser was in, which was funny - , got a candle and ornament in memory of Joe, ate some cookies, and drank some cider.  Upon leaving, we noticed the snow was changing texture... making for probably not the best driving anymore... meaning, we are not going to be able to go to Buffalo City tonight for a tree lighting ceremony in memory of loved ones lost, including Joe.  I really wanted to go, but we just couldn't drive out there in this snow... So, we went to my mom's since Frank & Steph were still in town.. we hung out with them, ate supper with my mom, let DJoe have some moving room that she did not get much of this weekend, and left around 7.  With all this snow, I had a hankering to get her a real snow suit that won't soak through, that I could lay her in the snow in and take pictures - and maybe she would roll around ;)... So, we are off to Target! (are you thinking what I wasn't thinking?) On the way, I pulled over to wipe the lights off because they seemed dim - well, there was no snow on them.. hmm.. a few blocks later, the radio started cutting out.    on.    off.    on.    off.    on.    off.    then, soon, we got beeping.    beeping.    beeping.     beeping.    beeping.      i tried turning it off and it wouldn't.    beeping.    beeping.    beeping.    beeping.    finally it just shut off.  we pull into target, almost pull into a parking spot and I realize - I don't have my wallet, duh! - so, to home we go.
I pull into the driveway, put the Jeep in neutral and pull up the Ebrake, hop out and open the garage door.  As I'm walking back to the Jeep it started sounding real sad, idling real slow - uh-oh - I quick get back in to rev it up, but I was too late. dead. tried to start it. click.click.click. sheesh! alright, guess it is staying right here! sent a text to get help from Joe's dad after he gets off of work tomorrow. texted Cindy to see if she would come over and watch DJoe and let me take her car to an appointment I have tomorrow at noon. ok, everything is ok. got it covered. went in, laid DJoe on the floor with appropriate-only things in her reach (she isn't crawling yet), kiss her, go back outside to shovel.  Shoveled one shovel-width down one sidewalk, shoveled the sidewalks that go down into the road, then looked in the front window to make sure she was ok - yep, playing away, talking to herself - turned the corner and shoveled one strip down the sidewalk on the front side of the house. peeked in on her again, shoveled another strip back around the house... (i got inappropriately annoyed during my shoveling time seeing how both of my neighbors' sidewalks were perfectly clear, stopping at our exact property line... i mean, don't they know i'm a widowed single mom who could use a little help? ugh! ... i only thought that for a second or two, but i enjoy taking care of my own business - it makes me feel like i'm accomplishing something - and if you know me, i don't really like asking for help - i feel guilty if people do things for me if i'm capable of getting it done myself - but still, are there no good people out there anymore that just do things "because"? especially since it was obvious they had snowblowers... my shoveling job is pretty humorous.  i hope i make someone's day when they are walking down my side walk and get a laugh out of my shoveling job!) anyways, i didn't touch the driveway, since the jeep is there until further notice anyways. came in, she was still playing (rolled over, but still playing and talking to herself). pulled out the peas from the fridge, put in microwave for 15 seconds and picked her up from floor, took off her pretty Christmas sweater, sat her in her chair, put on her bib, and fed her her peas.... while i was feeding her i read the Baby Bullet book for suggestions on other "first" foods.  She finished her peas, cleaned her up, and we went in her bedroom to put on her jammies, read stories, nurse, and go to sleep.  phew! what a full day! she has been sleeping for about an hour now, and should sleep till 5-6... i hope! my arms are sore. i'm exhausted. now i'm going to try to make the wireless work on my new laptop again (i'm currently on my old beat-up one) so i can get my paper done.    life is crazy.    never a dull moment.    as long as i don't forget my baby somewhere, i'll be ok.          joe was the snowblower in the family.         he also would have the jeep running with tip-top performance (i wouldn't be driving it if he were here anyways).         he probably would have carried DJoe out to the car so I could remember to grab our bag.                            i added a solar operated snowflake light by his headstone yesterday morning - maybe that is why we have all of this snow. hah.

okay, so today's message at church was on joy.
despite my story of today, i have a lot to be thankful for in my life. i have an amazing baby. i have an amazing family. i have a fine house with a running furnace, fridge, water heater, washer & dryer, working plumbing, and many other 'essentials' - many of which there are families that do not have these. i have great friends. i have a shovel. i have a video monitor so i can watch my baby sleep. i have a great church. i have a job interview Tuesday!! what? i didn't tell you? yeah!! 20 hours + benefits, working with 16-24 year olds - back to the age group I was created to work with! i'll tell you more about it later, if i make it to the second round of interviews.  anyways, back to today's message...
1. expect joy - joy is here! it is sent to us! - sometimes we confuse happiness and joy - happiness is temporary and joy is eternal.... think about that - is what you are feeling right now temporary, or eternal?  
2. choose joy - experience joy by helping others experience joy!
Philemon 1:6: And I am praying that you will put into action the generosity that comes from your faith as you understand and experience all the good things we have in Christ.
I have joy in the Lord.  Jesus died for my sins (yours too!), proclaiming "it is finished" - the war is over, He won. We do not have to go to Hell because He did that for us.  Isn't that awesome?  We have to believe he is who he says he is, he did what he said he did, and that he will do what he says he will do.  Do you? I sure do. things of this world - be it happiness or sadness - are temporary. joy in the Lord is eternal. my daily struggles of being a widowed mom are temporary. and with that, i do not worry about future endeavors. to worry about the future would be imagining life without God. why would I worry? If our God is for us, who could be against us? 

our daughter LOVES singing!! if you sing to her, she dances, shakes side to side.  she does her own little singing along too, it is so cute! what would you expect from parents that sang together?

this is one of our Christmas photos - sweet baby, so precious. <3

november.

in case you didn't know, i miss joe a lot.
on the 13th of this month it will be ten months since the world lost him.
it has not gotten much easier.
halloween has come and gone and our little house didn't get any decorations... joe loved halloween.  we have decorations in the closet, but no energy or motivation to get them out.  (we'll see about christmas.. maybe that will come out, who knows)  djoe (and i) did get dressed up though, and i did put a bag of candy out on the front railing for the little goblins since we weren't home.
here we are, mommy and baby owl:

last year we carved pumpkins. finally. i had wanted to carve pumpkins every year, but halloween came and went and on our front steps our pumpkins sat... with all of their skin and guts in tact. here are the pumpkins (and joe's foot) from last year that will go down in history:

i haven't spent much time with God lately, and boy can i tell.  i have felt more depressed and lonely than i have in a while.  my little girl can brighten any gloomy day, but i still miss joe's companionship and our life together.  without God i get in these horrible ruts, dig myself down, go crazy over simple things, yuck.
i am going to start using cloth diapers, and am excited to save money and the planet.
you will soon be seeing pix of her in them!
this month she will be 6 months old - holy crud, i can't believe it.  here are a couple pix from her 5 month photo shoot:

yep, the yellow newborn tutu dress still fits!

MEA

So, here in Minnesota there are two days where the public K-12 schools are out and there is an education convention in Minneapolis/St. Paul.  As a teacher, I have always had these two days off, which looked like a great time for a minivacation (even though, as a teacher, I should have gone to the convention).  So, since Joe worked third shift, he would take Thursday night, and sometimes Sunday night, off, so we could go away.  MEA vacation spots for us included Wisconsin Dells, Prairie du Chein, and Virginia... We had 6 MEA weekends together, but I don't think we did anything during our first one - so that makes 5 but I can only remember 3 places... hmmm, I hope the other comes to me.  We had other minivacations but I'm having a hard time pinpointing which were which at this very moment.  I'll have to check my photos!  So, blessed by God, I have to work on the Friday of MEA - I will have a few hours with the preschoolers... and Thursday, DJoe and I are spending some time with Madi + I'm getting a massage.  Then on Saturday, my sister Peggy is getting married.... So, God has blessed me with having my first MEA without Joe being a weekend filled with doings.  Saturday is also my friend Brandi's bachelorette party, so I may end up there later ... Then Sunday is my birthday, so that might actually be a little hard, but I'm getting to see Megan, whom I haven't seen since January!  I'm super excited.  Her, Amy, and I are going to have breakfast before they head home.  Anyways, my anticipatory anxiety is always worse than the real thing.... But, it is a hard time of year for me because we always did something special, just the two of us on this long weekend.

Here are two photos from the MEA weekend we went to visit Megan in Virginia...

This past Sunday was the 2nd annual memorial ride for my dad... This picture is from the one last year... Oh, how I wish that is how we rode this year too... Instead, I drove my Compass with Andrea in the passenger seat and my mom and DJoe in the back.

holidays

holy spotted cows do i miss my dad and joe.
today we took our memorial cruise in memory of my dad - it was nice, but i sure wish we didn't have a reason to do it.
on the way, we saw a sign: "This field fertilized with swine manure." - i'm wondering - so? why do we care? ... so, if you know why, please let me know!
so the holidays are going to be here before we know it. i kind of dread them. i tear up just thinking about them right now. last thanksgiving was our first one without dad, we actually had it at our house! joe and i started a tradition of making cheesy hashbrown potatoes  -  that would be the dish we'd make for every thanksgiving! well, turns out we only had one. so the family is talking about what to do this year, and i wish that i had to confer with my husband... having to figure out who's house to go to and when can seem like chaos, but i wish i had to do that right now. ... and then christmas. last christmas we got gifts for the little sweet pea brewin' inside of me. this year we were going to start our own family traditions with our new little family. well, turns out i alone will be making those traditions with her now.
some would say - sweet! you get to make all of the decisions, you don't have to discuss with anyone.  well, if you know me - i hate making decisions. and now having to make all the decisions? my head spins a little more than normal. pretty soon there will be more decisions to make too, when djoe starts eating more than breastmilk, for one.
i always dreamed of being married and having at least one kid by my 30th birthday (10/21/12) - never did i think i'd be a widowed single mom.
here are two pictures i created today.

well, my computer has 13% brain power left and i'm in bed and the charger is in the living room.  if you made it this far, thanks for reading. God is great. Yes i miss my dad and joe and i'm sad, but God is good - have you seen the amazing little girl he gave me? and the amazing family we have surrounding us?

respect

we live in a world where so many people take each other for granted...
when i hear you say that you wish your husband was more ______ (ex: romantic), pretty sure i want to jump across the table and shake you, telling you to be happy that your husband is alive.  or when i hear you say you wish your dad was more _______ ... yeah, same thing.  not saying that i never said those things, but i regret it, and would do about anything to have them back .. regardless of those characteristics i wished they would have had.
take a step back, imagine getting a phone call, the worst phone call, then would you be complaining to others about how your husband isn't romantic? don't complain about your husband at all. it is so disrespectful and if he knew you were doing it, he would be hurt. that happened to me once. i inadvertently disrespected joe in front of others and he was hurt. imagine getting a text from someone very close to you saying they are in the bathroom at work crying because a song that reminded them of your husband came on the radio and they miss him so much they couldn't contain themselves. do you still wish he was more romantic? or are you glad you have him? the problem is we try to have expectations for people that only God truly can fulfill.
luckily, i have found God, and He is the Father to the fatherless and the Defender of widows.
so, even though my flesh wants to jump across the table and put you in your place, because i have God in my corner, i do not.
You don't realize that God is all you need until He is all you have.
the other day when i picked up my amazing daughter from daycare, i was thinking "I love life!" and then i realized - woah, what did i just say? how could that be? thanks be to God for all of the wonderful blessings despite the devastating trials.
enough ranting.
be happy for what you have.
i'm learning to live with less and love it.

wants.

i miss joe bunches.
i miss my dad bunches.
my name is amanda and i'm a believer in jesus christ who struggles with loneliness and hopelessness... i struggle. but i'm healing.
my healing was threatened this week when i got some less than satisfying news. as you may know, joe was a donor. he donated his eyes, which each are benefiting an older man's life. he also donated much tissue and bone, all that was possible. this week, however, i found out that this tissue and bone couldn't be used, due to damage caused in his accident. wow. that was a low blow. it is going to take me some time to process this. for eight months i have been wondering how many lives he touched with his donation. this is hard to take. thankfully, even though the bone and tissue couldn't be used, God provided for his eyes to be used, so i'm not completely thrown. but my healing was definitely threatened, as this opened up some wounds, in a painful way. i want him back.
tomorrow there is another suicide prevention walk (the first being in rochester last weekend). i wish there wasn't a reason for me to go. i want him back.
joe's dad fixed up the cherokee so it would be good for djoe and i so i can sell my compass and save money. he is so kind. i am so grateful for him and his willingness to help us out. i knew the day was coming when it would be sitting in my driveway. tonight when i pulled up it was here. i have been so excited to get this back. did i think joe would be with it? hmmm. i sat in my compass and cried for a bit before i could get out. i am proud to drive it. i already put djoe's car seat in it, ready to drive it tomorrow. then i plan to clean it out. keep it clean. make both of them proud. my dad always kept his vehicles very clean.
i didn't get married to be a widow.
i didn't get pregnant to be a single mom.
everything that happens to me first gets filtered through God's hands.
He will help me through.
He is helping me through.
i'm growing, not going, through these tragedies.
God trusted me to be a single parent to one of his children - wow. cool. i'm going to give it all i've got.
here she is, our little sweet pea, four months old:

50% mom + 50% dad = `100% me

who do you think she looks like?

wow - 5 years ago... we were so young! the day before my 25th birthday!

desktop

so my desktop background has been this since i got this computer (a few months):

today, i just changed it to this:

I could stare at this picture and cry all day... is that healthy or not?  I'm thinking - should I really subject myself to that, getting sad each time I turn my computer on?  I love looking at his handsome face, but is it just too much to put myself through?  Maybe I should wait until a time that I can look at it and just smile, instead of cry?  Will that ever happen?  Or maybe seeing his face each time I turn my computer on will help me heal?  Or will it make me think, again, that he is just on a long vacation?  A military family I know from high school just got reunited after 7 months... I know how she felt with not seeing her husband for 7 months, and I sure wish that I could see mine.  Growing up without her daddy is going to be hard for DakotaJoe, just like it has been and will be hard for me without my dad - and there will be tough times, but I will pray to my loving Father to guard our hearts and surround us by others that will lift us up.  I hope I can do a good job at letting her know how much her daddy loved her and wanted her - I feel like that is the hardest job one could ever have.  There will be so many questions...  She has a super grandpa and many uncles and cousins that will be great male role models in her life, but I can't help but be sad for both of them... that she never got to meet her daddy who loved her so much while she was just a sweet pea in my womb and he never got to meet the daughter he was so excited for and loved so much.  I have made some progress in my healing and recovery, I still miss him so much, but I'm not as lonely as I was, or longing for companionship.  When I see the date - August 23, 2012 - it has been over 7 months since I saw him, a longer period of time than we were actually married.. I can't believe it has been this long.  I still miss him just as much as I did in the first month.  I dreamt about him again last night, it was a great dream - I just wish it would have been real.

Psalm 68:5 says, God is a Father to the fatherless and a defender of widows.

Here is our little beauty, 3 months old! 

P.S.
Yesterday involved two up-her-back poops - one which even got on my shirt, pants, and the floor of the bathroom I was changing her in!

poop

well, little miss DakotaJoe is pooping more often now - and it stinks!
the days of having a baby with stinkless poop are over!
we are so in love and miss daddy and grandpa so much... she didn't even know them and still, already, misses them!  She is such a sweetheart... if you haven't met her yet, you are really missing out!
Next Sunday we will be walking in the Goodview Days parade with the Celebrate Recovery float (as long as I'm not in too much pain from getting wisdom teeth out on Thursday)... and the following Sunday I will be publicly presenting DJoe to the Lord and committing to be a godly parent, as the Bible teaches that parents have the primary responsibility to nurture the faith of their children.  The 30th would be Joe's 29th birthday, and I plan to do something special at the cemetery that day, let me know if you would like to join us.
This picture shows my new favorite past-time... taken from my webcam, so not the greatest quality.

Tomorrow marks seven months since Joe has been gone.  i have now been a widow longer than i was a wife... I miss him just as much as I did back then, and my broken heart still aches as God is repairing it back together.

One piece of today's discussion in church was on what it means to truly be Jesus' disciple... A true disciple is obedient to Jesus' teaching - that obedience leads to knowledge, which leads to freedom.
I'm working on this, working on being freed from my loneliness, sadness, and despair.

Proverbs 24:14 
Know that wisdom is such to your soul; if you find it, there will be a future, and your hope will not be cut off.

the steak.

well, i finally threw the steak away that has been in my freezer for 7 months... i couldn't throw away the ice cream though.. it is weird- it is just ice cream, and i haven't had any in the last 7 months, and i'm not sure if i will in the next 7, but it was his... you might understand, you might not - but i'm keeping it. 
our wedding night ... looking at our faces makes me so sad but so happy at the same time... it has been a while since i smiled like that. i miss you joe and i will love you forever...

saturday night was a good friend from high school's bachelorette party - first time out since pre-pregnancy.  my wonderful mother had djoe overnight, and they had a great time together. 
 i sang for the first time in 7 months - 7 months from tonight actually ... 1/6/12  this was my wonderful audience... i actually made it through "What's Up" by the 4NonBlondes - a song that holds memories of both my dad and joe... i think i made them smile.

 after 7 months of not seeing some of the best friends i have ever known, i was bound and determined to make my way to buffalo city.  after the bachelorette party, some of the ladies had to head that way anyways, so i had a ride. 
 they were [almost] all there ... only two were missing. it was a great night of catching up - so great to see them.  most of them welcomed my appearance, but there is one that i don't think can handle seeing me yet - it is too hard for him.  it was hard to see them all but it was something i felt i had to do.  i felt very safe, back at 'home' for a night with my brothers.
  i did lose half of my hand pump and have chigger bites from the knees down, but it was a great time.  amazing time with all the ladies and a great time with the guys.
  (i wish i had a picture of me and the guys, but my camera stayed in my purse while i was there - weird!)

DakotaJoe is an amazing little lady.  She is laying next to me right now jibber-jabbering away.  We are about done for the night, ready for a six hour sleep {hopefully}!  She can hold her head up and is smiling and 'talking' more and more each day.  She has the most beautiful eyes.  Soon I will post baby pictures of both of us.. She looks exactly like Joe, but there is a little bit of me in her too.  I couldn't possibly care less if she looked a bit like me - as long as she looks like her daddy!!

when i am weak, i am strong:
2 Corinthians 12: 9-10
"'My grace is enough for you.  When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you.'  So I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses.  Then Christ's power can live in me.  For this reason I am happy when I have weaknesses, insults, hard times, sufferings, and all kinds of troubles for Christ.  Because when I am weak, then I am truly strong."

why i believe:
Philippians 1:6
"And I am sure that God who began the good work within you will keep right on helping you grow in his grace until his task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns."

the golden rule - did you know it came from God?:
Luke 6:31
"Treat others as you want them to treat you."

why i do my best to forgive:
Colossians 3:13
"Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges.  Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others."

how i get my strength:
Romans 8:31
"So what should we say about this?  If God is with us, no one can defeat us."

Lots going on this month, well, and the next two, and i guess the next two also...
This month we have auntie Steph's birthday, uncle Jake's birthday, our final shower, DJoe's Dedication, Joe's birthday (I'm planning to do something special), oh yeah - and I am getting my wisdom teeth pulled - AAAHH!
Next month we have a little friend's 1st birthday, the Out of the Darkness suicide prevention walk, my sister's wedding shower weekend, auntie Peggy's birthday, and I just found out about a suicide prevention 5K in winona too - so that might be added to the list!
October will mark the 30th anniversary of my birth, celebrating with an 80's themed party!  It is also uncle Bobby's birthday, Grandpa Gerry's birthday, Great Grandma Mary (J)'s birthday, Peg & Jake's wedding, DJoe's first Halloween, and we will also hold another memorial ride for my dad.
phew!! then it will be time for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's! Before I know it, the little jomanda will be one year old!

wow - this is an amazing feeling - so my little girl is laying here next to me... staring at me ... i look down, smile, say "hi" and i get the biggest, most beautiful smile back.  you are missing out!